2013 is quickly coming to a close and I find myself reminiscing about the year and all that it has encompassed.
Many significant things have happened in my world in 2013. My best friend and neighbor for the past 5 years or so relocated out of state. That relationship has certainly morphed into another form that I no longer recognize. It has saddened me on many levels and has been up and down for me throughout the year. It is better this way. He is happy in Tennessee and is where I truly believe he is supposed to be. God knows better than us who should be in our lives.
2013 brought opportunities for meeting new people and reconnecting with people I've not seen in many years. Social media brought me in contact with a dear friend that I had not seen in over 7 or 8 years. We were college friends and resided in the same residence hall for the duration of our time at WTAMU.
She has brought a whole new realm of craziness to my world. I went to Waco, TX with her and 4 other professionals to participate in a homeless simulation. The rekindling of this relationship has been a wonderful thing in and of itself. Coupled with the experience of homelessness was life changing. Sounds dramatic, I know. But it was truly a blessed experience that forever changed me. I have had a lot to ponder since that experience. That was in the summer. Then, in the fall, God called Elia and me back to Waco. We attended a faith based conference on empowering the poor and marginalized in the fall. So unexpectedly, God grabbed a hold of me there and shook me to the core. I was sitting in this conference among so many caring and loving children of God listening to a simple group of three persons singing Jesus music. I began to feel anxious and uncomfortable with my surroundings. I started to scan the room for the closest exit. I was moved to tears and do not even know why. I was so overwhelmed and tears just began to flow. I began to pray that God just hold me and let this pass. I was embarrassed by the tears that seem to flow so much easier these days than ever before. I learned so much about other people are doing in an effort to love their neighbor. I was set on ablaze during both of these adventures. I'm not sure what it is that God wants me to do next, but I will try to be a good and faithful servant and follow His direction.
My daughter turned 15 just a couple of short weeks ago. She started high school this year and things are changing so quickly. She is such a joy to me. Thinking about how funny, smart, mature, caring and quirky she can be brings a smile to my face. I am so grateful that God is in her heart and has helped her thus far. I have not been the model mom that I had hoped to be, in fact I have been very absent and preoccupied with my own feelings at times. I know God has a hand in shaping her in spite of who her mom is. I love this kid more than life itself and can hardly wait to see what God has in store for her future.
2013 brought financial struggles that I was not sure I could survive. I have paid a great deal of money in late fees, interest rates and penalties. I have been just days from closing my business. I struggle with knowing what to do with all of that. After much prayer and investigating options, I cashed in my retirement from my state employment. I have paid all my business debts and have a small cushion in the bank to operate with. It feels fantastic to start the new year debt free in my business. My business has not ever really paid me and I feel an urgency to make it work better for our family finances. Now, keep in mind, I say make it work, but have been open for 6 1/2 years. I have only survived, not being able to rely on income from this venture for our sole income. I truly enjoy what I do and hope that people feel happy and loved there. It is my hope that people receive nourishment there. Not just from the food, but that the atmosphere is inviting and safe for all people. I worry if this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do. Survival has been my mode for the past several years. I am ready to thrive now.
In highlighting the major occurrences in 2013, I have to mention the fact that I am no longer a smoker or a drunk. I picked April 1st as an appropriate day to stop those vices. I have discovered that I can have a drink or two without getting hammered. I have also discovered that I do not have to have alcohol to have a good time. This has been very freeing to me.
Now, that is not to say that I am perfect. I am anything but perfect. But these are huge steps in the right direction. In this healing process, I had to admit out loud to some people that I had problems. The problems were bigger than me and I was drowning. I have made apologies and forgave my own self. Fortunately for me, my God is bigger than those problems and I feel very hope filled. The healing has started within my family and I hope that I can continue to be a healthy part of this wonderful group.
After becoming aware of my addictions and having the courage to admit them and face them head on, I have learned to have less fear. I feel that I have had many instances in my life where I have had to be very brave and courageous. I am no longer fearful of the small things.
In a quest to grow without fear, I have gone zip lining, experienced homelessness, spoke to groups about my homeless experience and about God's desire for us to love one another, I have started reading God's word at Mass, I have made friends, I have straightened out my priorities and am striving to be a much better parent and I have learned to leave things/people behind that are not in my best interest. I have also learned to cry and just let it happen when it comes.
I'm not big on new years resolutions. I have never been. It may be because I have a tendency to not follow through with things. It could be that I am a procrastinator. I'll set a goal to start January 1, however I may not get to it until summer. It may be because I have a tough time setting goals. Historically, when I've set goals, a force stronger than me changes
circumstances that seem to crush the current goal. Having said these things, I realize that I am often the biggest obstacle to my own growth and success. So, in the upcoming new year I will strive to get out of my own way. I will continue to pray that God guide my steps and that He use me in whatever way He sees appropriate.
Rather than big resolutions being made for 2014, I hope to build on the positives from this year.
I am beyond excited to see where God takes Elia and I in serving others. I am learning to live intentionally. I am learning to love more freely. I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and to allow others to help me. I would like to become a smarter giver. I intend to nurture and care for myself. I will watch what I allow in my life and how I allow other people to treat me. I have learned to stop using negative comments towards myself. I will worry less and want less material things. I will learn new things daily. I have a desire to spread hope and love as far as I possibly can. I will practice moderation and meditation. I will be encouraging to others and show people value.
I hope to write a book, although I don't know about what.
I hope to acquire reliable transportation and travel more.
I hope to travel abroad and experience many new things.
I'm not sure if 2014 is ready for me or not. But I am very ready for it and am certain it will be a blessed, joyful and hope filled year. I have faith that God will provide. Look out, I'm ready to make some noise!
Lord, please direct my footsteps and use me as you see fit. Please help me to love others freely without expectation. I pray that I will be encouragement for others, to be a good example of your love. I also pray that I will allow others into my life and accept what they may offer. I am grateful for all you have given me this year and all that I have. May 2014 bring much peace and goodness throughout the world. Amen
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Blest Beyond Belief
Being how this is Thanksgiving week I thought I would reflect on a couple of the things I am most grateful for this year.
Friendship
Friendship has become a very important part of my life. I mean friendship is always something special but it is not something I have often sought out. I have always been quite a shy person, way introverted. Mostly an observer of people rather than a participant in friendships. A loner or sorts, the odd one. Seems people always leave. They leave for various reasons. They move away geographically, they die or they simply don't want to be in my life anymore. I know that is shocking to believe, but yes, it's true - some people simply don't appreciate me.
Once they are gone, the relationship simply is over or is unrecognizable as it's previous form. It's painful to lose people you love. Is it worth the pain? My answer today is yes. I am grateful that I have a handful of people that I truly consider my friends. They are mostly strong faithful women whom I learn from daily and love as my sisters. I can hardly wait to see what God has planned for some newly developed as well as old rekindled friendships.
Everyone needs friends in their life. Genuine relationships that make us better simply by knowing one another. That cannot be replaced by anything. Embrace your friendships.
Family
I am grateful for family. My daughter has often asked, "Mom, why can't we just be like a normal family? Why can't we (fill in the blank) like real families?" Well, not all families look the same. It is the two of us in our home. We have no pets and visitors are a rarity. This scene does not at all reflect the childhood family I experienced. However, I love my daughter so much and would give my life for her. We are a real and true family.
I am grateful my parents are close by. It is tough to watch them aging and ailing but I must remind myself that it is also a gift that many people do not get to experience.
I am beyond excited for my sister and brother-in-law to be expecting a baby in a few short months. I hope to be a positive and loving part of his life. Our family has experienced some difficulties within the dynamics and relationships of us all. I have poured out my soul in the past year with confessions, admissions, apologies, tears and a promise to change things to these family members. It is slow healing for them, and my desire is that they will come around. I am grateful for them all.
My Health
It is so odd now to think that there have been many times in my life that I wanted to die. I just wanted to go away. Not be a burden to anyone. Not be a convenience to anyone. Just simply not be. I felt insignificant and lonely. I felt invisible. I did not take care of myself. That was not a priority at all.
It makes my liver quiver now to think of the alcohol binging and consumption over the years. I was a smoker. I smoked cigarettes off and on for many years. My weight has significantly fluctuated over the years. I made a choice to take better care of myself. I quit smoking April 1st and alcohol consumption just isn't even really an issue. I went to therapy and started to get focused, motivated and ambitious. I am now at an all time high weight. I know that I will take steps to get healthier each and every day.
All test results this year have indicated that I am the healthiest I have been in a very long time. I am so grateful. One of my dear friends, who is 90 years old, told me that if a person is healthy they are very wealthy. For without your health, nothing else matters. I watch people struggle daily with major health issues and it is heart breaking. I will strive to bring peace and joy to those in pain, physical or spiritual. I am so grateful for my health and for every breath I take.
Forgiveness
I am grateful for forgiveness. The peace that comes from forgiving others that have wronged me is extraordinary. I have been able to forgive others by realizing that we are all simply humans. We are all the same. It does not matter what color, race, gender, religion or lack of, beliefs, education, finances, disabilities... The list goes on and on. None of those things matter. We were created in the likeness of God who loves us all the same and teaches us to love one another by his example. People make mistakes. People often cause injury to one another, many times with realizing the impact on others.
God forgives us daily for our sins. Do you know how huge that is?? We are forgiven! We get another chance to try to get it right.
It is in my failings that I learn to do better. Forgiving myself and knowing now that when I know better, I do better has released chains that had me bound in ways unimaginable.
God has brought me so far in the past couple of years and for that I am most grateful. I am excited to see where this all goes from here. I will continue to strive to be a strong, courageous and faithful servant.
These are only a tip of the iceberg of things I am truly thankful for. Thank you Lord for your many blessings bestowed upon me in my life. Thank you for showing me the light within myself to escape the darkness I stumbled in for so long. Thank you for using me in ways you see fit to live out your word. May we continue to recognize our blessings and forever sing praise and thanks for the gifts we receive.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
LIFECHANGER?!?
So. I have tried numerous times to blog about a significant event for me that occurred this past July. It has been 2 short months since I took a road trip to Waco TX with 5 other individuals. I haven't been able to process that whole experience yet. This is my first attempt to actually start typing. I guess we'll see where it take us!
I am on facebook. I have been quite surprised by my interest in this social network. I am not the most social person ever, however I am very interested and intrigued by people. I believe this is a fun app where I find myself expressing myself with quotes, pictures, cartoons, etc. It has been fun to reconnect with people I haven't seen for a while and to stay connected with family and friends. I have always had a fascination with the human race and have the habit of observing others. For me, watching others is the best way to learn.
When I had the desire to be a social worker, I did college internship with the Maternity and Adoption Unit of Catholic Family Services as well as the Financial Services Area of the same agency. I learned from other caseworkers. I learned from the clients. I learned by watching. I learned by listening. I learned by asking questions. I learned by doing.
When I decided to open a restaurant, I watched TV shows where people cooked. I had watched my grandmothers and my dad cook all my life and saw the happiness it brought them as well as those they served. I had a previous restaurateur come show me how he ran things. He commented that if he was planning to rob a bank, I would be someone he would be afraid of. He said he could see me soaking in every bit of what he was showing me. I felt it was the best way to learn what would work.
I also feel I should preface this story with the fact that I have been on a journey of self discovery for the past couple of years. The summer of 2012 had been life changing as well. I participated in an ACTS retreat and God dropped some people in my lap that I wasn't sure what to do with. Turns out He gave me new perspective and new friendship in what He threw in my path. I was so changed and in such a tail spin for the next year. I have learned a lot about myself and renewed my personal relationship with God. I had made a decision to kind of lay low and stay mostly to myself and my daughter. A time to get reacquainted with myself and find the true me. The me God created and maybe even the me God created me to become. I was feeling adventurous.
Then one day on facebook, I see a friend of mine has posted that she will be participating in a poverty simulation in Waco, TX in a couple of weeks. I comment that I would like to go and next thing I know, she replies that she and 4 other professionals would be traveling and they had room for one more. Now, Elia is a friend I met in college 25 years ago. We had recently reconnected on facebook. It also seems she is working on a book and wanted me to look at some things, so we had communicated recently. But I had not seen her in about 6 or 7 years. I am not considered a professional in the service community, not sure this is the group for me. Hmmm...I thought about it overnight.
The next day, I texted Elia and asked if she seriously had an opening and what did I need to do to get signed up. She told me it would cost $60 and travel to Amarillo. I would go with the others to Waco from there. I told her I was in!
I thought it was a chance of a lifetime to learn what true poverty and/or homelessness was actually like. I have worked with the poor on different levels. Hell, I am poor! I have been interested in the human race and serving one another as God has taught us. This would be a great experience to learn more about what homelessness is like on a daily basis. I'm tough. I'll go and it will be good to see Elia. I'm down for it! I've been looking for like minded people in my lonely world. I'll give it a try. Sign me up!
Within a few days, I could feel the anticipation increasing. I looked up the website missionwaco.org to try to learn more about what I was really signed up for. Naturally this is a Christian based group, I mean they are dealing with the poor. I feel comfy with this concept and I start to get nervous. Then, I received an email from Elia. She is addressing our "Team" with the names and phone numbers of the people going as well as an itinerary. There I was. Listed at the bottom of team members, all of which had their job title and place of employment or Church affiliation, was my name. We are Team Waco. I continue reading... Dalhart Community Lifechanger. Woah! Wait just a minute! A LIFECHANGER, really??? What was I getting myself into?
It sounded like this may be more of an adventure than I had bargained for. Was I going to learn so much that I would return a LIFECHANGER? Would it really be so powerful that it might change MY life? Would it be possible that I would become a lifechanger for someone else? I don't know about all that! I told myself, just be open to learning something new. That is just a label Elia has used. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. People use labels all the time.
Keep an open mind. Now, it's the night before the trip. It seems I am supposed to do this. Really feels like it is Gods will. I am nervous and apprehensive yet so excited. What does one pack to be homeless?
The reaction I had received from friends and family was interesting. My daughter and I joked about the fact that people would probably totally think I was homeless because of how I dress all the time. My dear friend at work, asked me to leave my shoes there because they totally look like "homeless" shoes. While I was excited, people thought I had lost my mind and wondered why I would do such a thing. Especially if I didn't have to. It's not a job requirement. I don't need the college credit. I already have a bachelors degree, this isn't going to further my education that much. I just felt it was something in my path of self discovery I needed to do. My attitude was very positive and I was excited. I would be traveling with new people to a city I've never seen. It's already a good thing. I can hardly wait until the weekend is over to see what other good things come my way.
Lord please help me keep an open mind about this experience. Please open my eyes and heart to see what I need to see there. Please watch over me as I awkwardly join these professional service providers in this journey of the unknown. Please work through me Lord Jesus Christ, to be an instrument of your love and peace. Thank you for the opportunity to learn something new.
I am on facebook. I have been quite surprised by my interest in this social network. I am not the most social person ever, however I am very interested and intrigued by people. I believe this is a fun app where I find myself expressing myself with quotes, pictures, cartoons, etc. It has been fun to reconnect with people I haven't seen for a while and to stay connected with family and friends. I have always had a fascination with the human race and have the habit of observing others. For me, watching others is the best way to learn.
When I had the desire to be a social worker, I did college internship with the Maternity and Adoption Unit of Catholic Family Services as well as the Financial Services Area of the same agency. I learned from other caseworkers. I learned from the clients. I learned by watching. I learned by listening. I learned by asking questions. I learned by doing.
When I decided to open a restaurant, I watched TV shows where people cooked. I had watched my grandmothers and my dad cook all my life and saw the happiness it brought them as well as those they served. I had a previous restaurateur come show me how he ran things. He commented that if he was planning to rob a bank, I would be someone he would be afraid of. He said he could see me soaking in every bit of what he was showing me. I felt it was the best way to learn what would work.
I also feel I should preface this story with the fact that I have been on a journey of self discovery for the past couple of years. The summer of 2012 had been life changing as well. I participated in an ACTS retreat and God dropped some people in my lap that I wasn't sure what to do with. Turns out He gave me new perspective and new friendship in what He threw in my path. I was so changed and in such a tail spin for the next year. I have learned a lot about myself and renewed my personal relationship with God. I had made a decision to kind of lay low and stay mostly to myself and my daughter. A time to get reacquainted with myself and find the true me. The me God created and maybe even the me God created me to become. I was feeling adventurous.
Then one day on facebook, I see a friend of mine has posted that she will be participating in a poverty simulation in Waco, TX in a couple of weeks. I comment that I would like to go and next thing I know, she replies that she and 4 other professionals would be traveling and they had room for one more. Now, Elia is a friend I met in college 25 years ago. We had recently reconnected on facebook. It also seems she is working on a book and wanted me to look at some things, so we had communicated recently. But I had not seen her in about 6 or 7 years. I am not considered a professional in the service community, not sure this is the group for me. Hmmm...I thought about it overnight.
The next day, I texted Elia and asked if she seriously had an opening and what did I need to do to get signed up. She told me it would cost $60 and travel to Amarillo. I would go with the others to Waco from there. I told her I was in!
I thought it was a chance of a lifetime to learn what true poverty and/or homelessness was actually like. I have worked with the poor on different levels. Hell, I am poor! I have been interested in the human race and serving one another as God has taught us. This would be a great experience to learn more about what homelessness is like on a daily basis. I'm tough. I'll go and it will be good to see Elia. I'm down for it! I've been looking for like minded people in my lonely world. I'll give it a try. Sign me up!
Within a few days, I could feel the anticipation increasing. I looked up the website missionwaco.org to try to learn more about what I was really signed up for. Naturally this is a Christian based group, I mean they are dealing with the poor. I feel comfy with this concept and I start to get nervous. Then, I received an email from Elia. She is addressing our "Team" with the names and phone numbers of the people going as well as an itinerary. There I was. Listed at the bottom of team members, all of which had their job title and place of employment or Church affiliation, was my name. We are Team Waco. I continue reading... Dalhart Community Lifechanger. Woah! Wait just a minute! A LIFECHANGER, really??? What was I getting myself into?
It sounded like this may be more of an adventure than I had bargained for. Was I going to learn so much that I would return a LIFECHANGER? Would it really be so powerful that it might change MY life? Would it be possible that I would become a lifechanger for someone else? I don't know about all that! I told myself, just be open to learning something new. That is just a label Elia has used. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. People use labels all the time.
Keep an open mind. Now, it's the night before the trip. It seems I am supposed to do this. Really feels like it is Gods will. I am nervous and apprehensive yet so excited. What does one pack to be homeless?
The reaction I had received from friends and family was interesting. My daughter and I joked about the fact that people would probably totally think I was homeless because of how I dress all the time. My dear friend at work, asked me to leave my shoes there because they totally look like "homeless" shoes. While I was excited, people thought I had lost my mind and wondered why I would do such a thing. Especially if I didn't have to. It's not a job requirement. I don't need the college credit. I already have a bachelors degree, this isn't going to further my education that much. I just felt it was something in my path of self discovery I needed to do. My attitude was very positive and I was excited. I would be traveling with new people to a city I've never seen. It's already a good thing. I can hardly wait until the weekend is over to see what other good things come my way.
Lord please help me keep an open mind about this experience. Please open my eyes and heart to see what I need to see there. Please watch over me as I awkwardly join these professional service providers in this journey of the unknown. Please work through me Lord Jesus Christ, to be an instrument of your love and peace. Thank you for the opportunity to learn something new.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
About to BuRsT!!!!!!
I haven't posted a blog for about a year.
It seems at that time, I was beginning to catch glimpses of me. I had realized some positive qualities in myself. I was excited about the prospects of where I could really be in this life. I had hopes of things to come.
So, here we are a year later. Where am I now? Whew! I'm not really even sure where to start. All I really know is I'm about to BuRsT!!! I have learned some things that I just can't be quiet about. I am so hopeful! I feel that I need to make some noise.
I have put a lot of time into ME within the past 12 months. I have showed a lot of ugly. I have faced truths. I have cried. I have left things behind...on purpose. I made a decision to make things better for my family. I have been very lost. I have been in a very dark place. I have not loved myself. I have not respected myself. I have not been honest.
When it's dark and your lost, it causes confusion. Sometimes you don't even know how you are surviving, much less contributing anything to anyone else.
Within this time frame I was extremely loud and wordy to a few dear people. One dear woman, Teresa, had me drop in on her world via God. She listened to me. She listened everyday, it seems I have had a lot to say. She made a point to know me, truly know me. She is the first person I have ever, in my entire life been very real with. Excruciatingly honest about myself, inside and out. She tried to love me and was very generous in her actions and I, being the stubborn person I am, rejected every bit of it. Rejected it, but didn't go away. Was drawn to it, but didn't know what to do with it. I took up so much of her time every day for a very long time! Ranted, cried, yelled, laughed, cried some more - all in texts every day. I'm not sure how she has put up with me as long as she has. Except for the fact that she has prayed for me and allowed God to work through her.
At some point, she told me NO! (Well, a couple of times she told me NO! Haha) Once on retreat, she said No! You cannot keep on this way, you need help. And offered help. Hmmmm...
And then a year or year and a half later, again, she said No! You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results. No! Unless you make changes, you got to quit contacting me.
Woah! I was totally blown away. I'm not a bad person. Why would you ask me to leave your world? I found safety and love there, please don't ask me to leave. I know you have a ton on your plate, especially with your loved ones relocation of out the country. In my egotistical mind, I was a good diversion for you as well. And really? You've had it?
Of course she had had it! I had been disrespectful, stubborn, under the influence, angry... I had long worn out my welcome. I don't know what it was that I couldn't stop it...the noise in my mind was so overwhelming I had to yell it! I was undergoing major transition in my life, I could feel it! A lot of it was so painful!! I couldn't let go of everything all at once! This was going to take some time. I felt so alone! I felt so lost. Teresa reminded me that I wasn't alone, God is there the whole time.
I sought out more help. I started therapy. Which I hope is not embarrassing to anyone, it's not to me. Sometimes, a person just needs help. Help from someone who knows about that stuff. I leaned on some friends pretty hard. I tried to share my blog with a few people, seemingly random people, I'll admit. I have quite a diverse group of people I call friends. I found courage to face some truths and admit some mistakes along with those truths to those most close to me. Tough stuff, I tell ya!
Realizing that how I looked at situations could change how I feel about them, things started to settle down. I made major changes. I truly turned to God. Holy Thursday I went before the crucifix and as I wept I told God that I has placing my total trust and faith in Him, I was laying my frailties at His feet and asking for forgiveness.
I grabbed a hold of some addictions that I simply could not shake before, I faced them. I mustered up the courage to admit my faults and fight those damn dragons for once and for all! I have cried a lot of tears ( I know, cry me a river :) ) - but seriously, have cried a lot of tears. I didn't know what to do with everything I had bottled up for so many years. I sure don't recommend it. But it is so freeing to face it, ask God for forgiveness, allow yourself to be loved and love other people. It is very lonely in that dark place. It is much better with the light on.
I made a decision to just be still for a bit. I was so embarrassed about having gone too far in relationships with friends and running people away. I needed to just be still for a minute. Don't seek anything out. Love my daughter and take care of her needs. Go to work and continue to try to succeed there. Take care of myself. But be quiet for a bit.
I did a lot of reflecting when I got quiet. I prayed. I read. I reconnected with positive people. I continued to participate in worship. I tried to reach out, often in my awkwardness, to people that I believed were like-minded. I became less afraid and more confident. I can feel God at work in my life and can see Him all around me. I'm AWAKE! and it is AMAZING! I am far from perfect but I have love in my heart. I am no longer angry. I see blessings everywhere and for that I'm grateful. It is my hope that people will see Christ in me and want to do good things for one another. There are so many social issues that I personally understand and feel strongly about. Some I want to learn more about. I am not sure where God is directing me next, but I'm excited to see it unravel. I want to live! I want to fully experience what God has planned for me.
Thank you for the wonderful gifts you have placed in my life Lord. I am so blessed by the people you put in my life on a daily basis. I am grateful for your Perfect love and example of how to love. May I be a friend to the friendless and remind others of your love as well.
#Godhasaplan #Ifeelitsperfect #hopefilled
It seems at that time, I was beginning to catch glimpses of me. I had realized some positive qualities in myself. I was excited about the prospects of where I could really be in this life. I had hopes of things to come.
So, here we are a year later. Where am I now? Whew! I'm not really even sure where to start. All I really know is I'm about to BuRsT!!! I have learned some things that I just can't be quiet about. I am so hopeful! I feel that I need to make some noise.
I have put a lot of time into ME within the past 12 months. I have showed a lot of ugly. I have faced truths. I have cried. I have left things behind...on purpose. I made a decision to make things better for my family. I have been very lost. I have been in a very dark place. I have not loved myself. I have not respected myself. I have not been honest.
When it's dark and your lost, it causes confusion. Sometimes you don't even know how you are surviving, much less contributing anything to anyone else.
Within this time frame I was extremely loud and wordy to a few dear people. One dear woman, Teresa, had me drop in on her world via God. She listened to me. She listened everyday, it seems I have had a lot to say. She made a point to know me, truly know me. She is the first person I have ever, in my entire life been very real with. Excruciatingly honest about myself, inside and out. She tried to love me and was very generous in her actions and I, being the stubborn person I am, rejected every bit of it. Rejected it, but didn't go away. Was drawn to it, but didn't know what to do with it. I took up so much of her time every day for a very long time! Ranted, cried, yelled, laughed, cried some more - all in texts every day. I'm not sure how she has put up with me as long as she has. Except for the fact that she has prayed for me and allowed God to work through her.
At some point, she told me NO! (Well, a couple of times she told me NO! Haha) Once on retreat, she said No! You cannot keep on this way, you need help. And offered help. Hmmmm...
And then a year or year and a half later, again, she said No! You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results. No! Unless you make changes, you got to quit contacting me.
Woah! I was totally blown away. I'm not a bad person. Why would you ask me to leave your world? I found safety and love there, please don't ask me to leave. I know you have a ton on your plate, especially with your loved ones relocation of out the country. In my egotistical mind, I was a good diversion for you as well. And really? You've had it?
Of course she had had it! I had been disrespectful, stubborn, under the influence, angry... I had long worn out my welcome. I don't know what it was that I couldn't stop it...the noise in my mind was so overwhelming I had to yell it! I was undergoing major transition in my life, I could feel it! A lot of it was so painful!! I couldn't let go of everything all at once! This was going to take some time. I felt so alone! I felt so lost. Teresa reminded me that I wasn't alone, God is there the whole time.
I sought out more help. I started therapy. Which I hope is not embarrassing to anyone, it's not to me. Sometimes, a person just needs help. Help from someone who knows about that stuff. I leaned on some friends pretty hard. I tried to share my blog with a few people, seemingly random people, I'll admit. I have quite a diverse group of people I call friends. I found courage to face some truths and admit some mistakes along with those truths to those most close to me. Tough stuff, I tell ya!
Realizing that how I looked at situations could change how I feel about them, things started to settle down. I made major changes. I truly turned to God. Holy Thursday I went before the crucifix and as I wept I told God that I has placing my total trust and faith in Him, I was laying my frailties at His feet and asking for forgiveness.
I grabbed a hold of some addictions that I simply could not shake before, I faced them. I mustered up the courage to admit my faults and fight those damn dragons for once and for all! I have cried a lot of tears ( I know, cry me a river :) ) - but seriously, have cried a lot of tears. I didn't know what to do with everything I had bottled up for so many years. I sure don't recommend it. But it is so freeing to face it, ask God for forgiveness, allow yourself to be loved and love other people. It is very lonely in that dark place. It is much better with the light on.
I made a decision to just be still for a bit. I was so embarrassed about having gone too far in relationships with friends and running people away. I needed to just be still for a minute. Don't seek anything out. Love my daughter and take care of her needs. Go to work and continue to try to succeed there. Take care of myself. But be quiet for a bit.
I did a lot of reflecting when I got quiet. I prayed. I read. I reconnected with positive people. I continued to participate in worship. I tried to reach out, often in my awkwardness, to people that I believed were like-minded. I became less afraid and more confident. I can feel God at work in my life and can see Him all around me. I'm AWAKE! and it is AMAZING! I am far from perfect but I have love in my heart. I am no longer angry. I see blessings everywhere and for that I'm grateful. It is my hope that people will see Christ in me and want to do good things for one another. There are so many social issues that I personally understand and feel strongly about. Some I want to learn more about. I am not sure where God is directing me next, but I'm excited to see it unravel. I want to live! I want to fully experience what God has planned for me.
Thank you for the wonderful gifts you have placed in my life Lord. I am so blessed by the people you put in my life on a daily basis. I am grateful for your Perfect love and example of how to love. May I be a friend to the friendless and remind others of your love as well.
#Godhasaplan #Ifeelitsperfect #hopefilled
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