2013 is quickly coming to a close and I find myself reminiscing about the year and all that it has encompassed.
Many significant things have happened in my world in 2013. My best friend and neighbor for the past 5 years or so relocated out of state. That relationship has certainly morphed into another form that I no longer recognize. It has saddened me on many levels and has been up and down for me throughout the year. It is better this way. He is happy in Tennessee and is where I truly believe he is supposed to be. God knows better than us who should be in our lives.
2013 brought opportunities for meeting new people and reconnecting with people I've not seen in many years. Social media brought me in contact with a dear friend that I had not seen in over 7 or 8 years. We were college friends and resided in the same residence hall for the duration of our time at WTAMU.
She has brought a whole new realm of craziness to my world. I went to Waco, TX with her and 4 other professionals to participate in a homeless simulation. The rekindling of this relationship has been a wonderful thing in and of itself. Coupled with the experience of homelessness was life changing. Sounds dramatic, I know. But it was truly a blessed experience that forever changed me. I have had a lot to ponder since that experience. That was in the summer. Then, in the fall, God called Elia and me back to Waco. We attended a faith based conference on empowering the poor and marginalized in the fall. So unexpectedly, God grabbed a hold of me there and shook me to the core. I was sitting in this conference among so many caring and loving children of God listening to a simple group of three persons singing Jesus music. I began to feel anxious and uncomfortable with my surroundings. I started to scan the room for the closest exit. I was moved to tears and do not even know why. I was so overwhelmed and tears just began to flow. I began to pray that God just hold me and let this pass. I was embarrassed by the tears that seem to flow so much easier these days than ever before. I learned so much about other people are doing in an effort to love their neighbor. I was set on ablaze during both of these adventures. I'm not sure what it is that God wants me to do next, but I will try to be a good and faithful servant and follow His direction.
My daughter turned 15 just a couple of short weeks ago. She started high school this year and things are changing so quickly. She is such a joy to me. Thinking about how funny, smart, mature, caring and quirky she can be brings a smile to my face. I am so grateful that God is in her heart and has helped her thus far. I have not been the model mom that I had hoped to be, in fact I have been very absent and preoccupied with my own feelings at times. I know God has a hand in shaping her in spite of who her mom is. I love this kid more than life itself and can hardly wait to see what God has in store for her future.
2013 brought financial struggles that I was not sure I could survive. I have paid a great deal of money in late fees, interest rates and penalties. I have been just days from closing my business. I struggle with knowing what to do with all of that. After much prayer and investigating options, I cashed in my retirement from my state employment. I have paid all my business debts and have a small cushion in the bank to operate with. It feels fantastic to start the new year debt free in my business. My business has not ever really paid me and I feel an urgency to make it work better for our family finances. Now, keep in mind, I say make it work, but have been open for 6 1/2 years. I have only survived, not being able to rely on income from this venture for our sole income. I truly enjoy what I do and hope that people feel happy and loved there. It is my hope that people receive nourishment there. Not just from the food, but that the atmosphere is inviting and safe for all people. I worry if this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do. Survival has been my mode for the past several years. I am ready to thrive now.
In highlighting the major occurrences in 2013, I have to mention the fact that I am no longer a smoker or a drunk. I picked April 1st as an appropriate day to stop those vices. I have discovered that I can have a drink or two without getting hammered. I have also discovered that I do not have to have alcohol to have a good time. This has been very freeing to me.
Now, that is not to say that I am perfect. I am anything but perfect. But these are huge steps in the right direction. In this healing process, I had to admit out loud to some people that I had problems. The problems were bigger than me and I was drowning. I have made apologies and forgave my own self. Fortunately for me, my God is bigger than those problems and I feel very hope filled. The healing has started within my family and I hope that I can continue to be a healthy part of this wonderful group.
After becoming aware of my addictions and having the courage to admit them and face them head on, I have learned to have less fear. I feel that I have had many instances in my life where I have had to be very brave and courageous. I am no longer fearful of the small things.
In a quest to grow without fear, I have gone zip lining, experienced homelessness, spoke to groups about my homeless experience and about God's desire for us to love one another, I have started reading God's word at Mass, I have made friends, I have straightened out my priorities and am striving to be a much better parent and I have learned to leave things/people behind that are not in my best interest. I have also learned to cry and just let it happen when it comes.
I'm not big on new years resolutions. I have never been. It may be because I have a tendency to not follow through with things. It could be that I am a procrastinator. I'll set a goal to start January 1, however I may not get to it until summer. It may be because I have a tough time setting goals. Historically, when I've set goals, a force stronger than me changes
circumstances that seem to crush the current goal. Having said these things, I realize that I am often the biggest obstacle to my own growth and success. So, in the upcoming new year I will strive to get out of my own way. I will continue to pray that God guide my steps and that He use me in whatever way He sees appropriate.
Rather than big resolutions being made for 2014, I hope to build on the positives from this year.
I am beyond excited to see where God takes Elia and I in serving others. I am learning to live intentionally. I am learning to love more freely. I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and to allow others to help me. I would like to become a smarter giver. I intend to nurture and care for myself. I will watch what I allow in my life and how I allow other people to treat me. I have learned to stop using negative comments towards myself. I will worry less and want less material things. I will learn new things daily. I have a desire to spread hope and love as far as I possibly can. I will practice moderation and meditation. I will be encouraging to others and show people value.
I hope to write a book, although I don't know about what.
I hope to acquire reliable transportation and travel more.
I hope to travel abroad and experience many new things.
I'm not sure if 2014 is ready for me or not. But I am very ready for it and am certain it will be a blessed, joyful and hope filled year. I have faith that God will provide. Look out, I'm ready to make some noise!
Lord, please direct my footsteps and use me as you see fit. Please help me to love others freely without expectation. I pray that I will be encouragement for others, to be a good example of your love. I also pray that I will allow others into my life and accept what they may offer. I am grateful for all you have given me this year and all that I have. May 2014 bring much peace and goodness throughout the world. Amen
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