I haven't posted a blog for about a year.
It seems at that time, I was beginning to catch glimpses of me. I had realized some positive qualities in myself. I was excited about the prospects of where I could really be in this life. I had hopes of things to come.
So, here we are a year later. Where am I now? Whew! I'm not really even sure where to start. All I really know is I'm about to BuRsT!!! I have learned some things that I just can't be quiet about. I am so hopeful! I feel that I need to make some noise.
I have put a lot of time into ME within the past 12 months. I have showed a lot of ugly. I have faced truths. I have cried. I have left things behind...on purpose. I made a decision to make things better for my family. I have been very lost. I have been in a very dark place. I have not loved myself. I have not respected myself. I have not been honest.
When it's dark and your lost, it causes confusion. Sometimes you don't even know how you are surviving, much less contributing anything to anyone else.
Within this time frame I was extremely loud and wordy to a few dear people. One dear woman, Teresa, had me drop in on her world via God. She listened to me. She listened everyday, it seems I have had a lot to say. She made a point to know me, truly know me. She is the first person I have ever, in my entire life been very real with. Excruciatingly honest about myself, inside and out. She tried to love me and was very generous in her actions and I, being the stubborn person I am, rejected every bit of it. Rejected it, but didn't go away. Was drawn to it, but didn't know what to do with it. I took up so much of her time every day for a very long time! Ranted, cried, yelled, laughed, cried some more - all in texts every day. I'm not sure how she has put up with me as long as she has. Except for the fact that she has prayed for me and allowed God to work through her.
At some point, she told me NO! (Well, a couple of times she told me NO! Haha) Once on retreat, she said No! You cannot keep on this way, you need help. And offered help. Hmmmm...
And then a year or year and a half later, again, she said No! You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results. No! Unless you make changes, you got to quit contacting me.
Woah! I was totally blown away. I'm not a bad person. Why would you ask me to leave your world? I found safety and love there, please don't ask me to leave. I know you have a ton on your plate, especially with your loved ones relocation of out the country. In my egotistical mind, I was a good diversion for you as well. And really? You've had it?
Of course she had had it! I had been disrespectful, stubborn, under the influence, angry... I had long worn out my welcome. I don't know what it was that I couldn't stop it...the noise in my mind was so overwhelming I had to yell it! I was undergoing major transition in my life, I could feel it! A lot of it was so painful!! I couldn't let go of everything all at once! This was going to take some time. I felt so alone! I felt so lost. Teresa reminded me that I wasn't alone, God is there the whole time.
I sought out more help. I started therapy. Which I hope is not embarrassing to anyone, it's not to me. Sometimes, a person just needs help. Help from someone who knows about that stuff. I leaned on some friends pretty hard. I tried to share my blog with a few people, seemingly random people, I'll admit. I have quite a diverse group of people I call friends. I found courage to face some truths and admit some mistakes along with those truths to those most close to me. Tough stuff, I tell ya!
Realizing that how I looked at situations could change how I feel about them, things started to settle down. I made major changes. I truly turned to God. Holy Thursday I went before the crucifix and as I wept I told God that I has placing my total trust and faith in Him, I was laying my frailties at His feet and asking for forgiveness.
I grabbed a hold of some addictions that I simply could not shake before, I faced them. I mustered up the courage to admit my faults and fight those damn dragons for once and for all! I have cried a lot of tears ( I know, cry me a river :) ) - but seriously, have cried a lot of tears. I didn't know what to do with everything I had bottled up for so many years. I sure don't recommend it. But it is so freeing to face it, ask God for forgiveness, allow yourself to be loved and love other people. It is very lonely in that dark place. It is much better with the light on.
I made a decision to just be still for a bit. I was so embarrassed about having gone too far in relationships with friends and running people away. I needed to just be still for a minute. Don't seek anything out. Love my daughter and take care of her needs. Go to work and continue to try to succeed there. Take care of myself. But be quiet for a bit.
I did a lot of reflecting when I got quiet. I prayed. I read. I reconnected with positive people. I continued to participate in worship. I tried to reach out, often in my awkwardness, to people that I believed were like-minded. I became less afraid and more confident. I can feel God at work in my life and can see Him all around me. I'm AWAKE! and it is AMAZING! I am far from perfect but I have love in my heart. I am no longer angry. I see blessings everywhere and for that I'm grateful. It is my hope that people will see Christ in me and want to do good things for one another. There are so many social issues that I personally understand and feel strongly about. Some I want to learn more about. I am not sure where God is directing me next, but I'm excited to see it unravel. I want to live! I want to fully experience what God has planned for me.
Thank you for the wonderful gifts you have placed in my life Lord. I am so blessed by the people you put in my life on a daily basis. I am grateful for your Perfect love and example of how to love. May I be a friend to the friendless and remind others of your love as well.
#Godhasaplan #Ifeelitsperfect #hopefilled
No comments:
Post a Comment