So. It's not a secret to everyone, but for all practical purposes has been the deepest, darkest, sweetest secret of my life.
In the fall of 1986 at the new age of 16 years old, I was testing my wings, as I often did. I had the car for the night and there was a dance at the coliseum I was planning to attend. But first, thought I'd hook up with a few friends for drinks first. Better to get "loosened up" before the big social event. I planned to meet them at some guy's house. I didn't know him nor anything about the place, except that drinks would be available and my friends would be around. There were several cars there when I arrived, so I decided to stop.
As I approached the door, I could hear music blaring inside. I knocked. A man answered the door by grabbing me by the arm and tossing me inside. As I tried to get away, it occurred to me that no one else was there. He told me he had been watching me for "some time" and now it was time to have me. He ripped off my clothes, threw me into a dark room that appeared to be a bedroom. He had a strong hold of me saying crazy things, a wild look in his eyes as he turned a light on. When he turned the light on, he was naked and as crazy eyed as anyone I've ever seen before or seen. He proceeded to rape me. I believe at some point I quit fighting and just lay silent, begging did not help - it only made it worse. When he was finished and finally let me up, I frantically gathered my ripped clothes and shredded pride and ran out the door. I was not even totally clothed as I ran. He threw me my shoes and a Jesus medal. He said he had prayed for that night and told me maybe the medal could help me some time. He laughed as I drove away.
The tears would not stop. My mind was filled with a fog. What the hell do I do now? My parents would be very angry at me for not being where I said I'd be, I couldn't show up at the dance in this shape to even begin to look for any friends. Before cell phone age, things were different. If I went to the cops my parents would be contacted...the legal system seemed a very unjust system especially when it involved minor girls and a sexual situation. I felt alot of shame, guilt, anger, sadness....all rolled up in a ball.
This was not my first experience with sex. You see, I was used as a sex toy or whatever you want to call it, since the young age of 5. And just as before, there was so much shame, fear, confusion.
I drove around for what seemed like several hours and then went home. My parents were in asleep. I whispered I was home, threw my clothes away, showered and went to bed. This night could never be mentioned or spoke out loud.
Seems, almost immediately, I became ill. I was vomiting several times a day, every day. I figured it was nerves. I was totally sad, scared and broken down inside but was trying to put on a happy face for the outside.
The sickness did not go away soon. I kinda told my mom what had happened and asked her not to tell my dad. My dad never said anything to me, but they both accompanied me to an appointment with a dr. out of town. It was an OB/GYN. As the doctor told me the statistics that 1 in 100 rapes results in pregnancy, my heart sunk into my stomach and I knew it was true. What I had tried to avoid as the truth, I was indeed pregnant, I saw my mother's expression change into a sadness that was evident for years to come. I opened the door from her office and saw my dad sitting in the waiting room at the end of the hall. He was awaiting the verdict of this dr. Tears streamed down my face as I walked toward him....the closer I got, it seemed he got further away. When he saw my face, he knew. He didn't say anything.
So. From this appointment, my parents took me straight to my mom's sisters house. The adults visited while I was sent to the living room. Then we left. My parents informed me on the way home that I would be moving to live with these family members. I had always been very close to my aunt, staying there some in the summers. They would figure it all out and let me know what was to happen. They didn't seem angry. They didn't yell. They didn't talk. They didn't embrace me. They didn't seem joyful by any stretch. They didn't seem ANYTHING.
That was right before Christmas. I knew it was a secret. That's why I was being sent away, to hide me. They said it would be easier for me. I'm not sure how totally changing everything you know, at a time like this, could be easier...but parents know best. I didn't utter a word of it to anyone.
So, in January at mid term of my Jr. year in high school I moved from my immediate family and started a new school. The staff there knew the situation and I had gone before a board to be admitted there. The students just had rumors and whispers in the hallway. Finally, a boy told me, you know what they are saying about you, right? I told him it was true. I was pregnant. No details were ever asked from that point on. It seemed the kids just accepted that I was pregnant and embraced me, including me in all the school functions. The guy that had so awkwardly asked if I knew what was being said...well, he became a friend and was my date to Jr. Prom. We all went separate ways for the summer, and my future was in limbo. I wasn't sure where I would attend school my sr year or how the summer would turn out.
By January, I had pretty well decided that I would place this child for adoption. He was going to need a lot more than I could provide. I was a kid myself. I had no direction for the future. I had little experience for skills in the work place to support myself, much less anyone else. And quite frankly, I wasn't sure how I would feel about him. I recognized him as a person. I loved him. I felt him growing inside me and moving to the sound of my voice. I would sing to him and say prayers out loud to try to calm him and myself at times.
Seems very silly now to think that I might not have loved him, that I could ever think ill thoughts because of how he was conceived.
On June 18, 1987 at the age of 16, I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy, Matthew Ross. I had bravely and strongly told the hospital staff that I did not want to see him after he was born. I was so afraid that I would not be strong enough to go through with the adoption if I saw him or held him. They respected my wishes and I was placed on another floor of the hospital until I was dismissed. He was dismissed shortly before me.
A few days after being dismissed, I was asked to accompany Matthew and his new adoptive mom and sister out of state to complete more legal paperwork. Reluncantly, I went. I held him, helped take care of him on the trip, stayed in the same hotel room with them and heard his cries. He was heart wrenching to me to leave him behind in his new home with his new family, without me. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to board the plane. But after what seemed an eternity of walking towards the plane, I boarded and returned to my parents home for the summer.
Of course I was sad. I was very sad. I was angry. I still felt I had done the right thing.
The adventure of getting him here, was anything but sweet. But seeing his smiles and changes, to be a part of his life. Fun filled summer visits for 20 years was one of the sweetest, biggest blessings in my life!
Tonight, I celebrate him and the impact he had on my life. 5 years ago tonight, Matthew was out testing his wings. He was driving around a hilly tree lined road with five other kids. He was driving at a high rate of speed and tried to do a skid he had seen in the movies. He hit a tree and died instantly, killing four other teens in the car. I still grieve his early departure from this world. I hope he has found a peace like no other he ever experienced here.
Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord and let perpetual light shine upon him and may he rest in peace.
May his soul and all the souls of the faitfully departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
SeASoNs
There is a time for everything....I'm just now getting my yard in decent shape and the leaves are starting to fall. You can feel a crispness in the mornings, the hot days are a different kind of hot, there are different birds and insects in the yard....Fall is upon us.
Fall has typically always been my favorite season. I love that it changes from so hot to a milder climate. I love the way the leaves change from a simple green into a burst of colors. When they fall from the branches giving them life, they make a crunch under your feet and are fun to fall into.
School starts back up in the fall and creates a buzz and busyness in our home. Ball games, youth group, school activities are added into the schedules. It seems a routine of this sort is embraced in our home. We have become list makers and calendar keepers. This is a big stretch for me, considering I never even find it important to wear a watch.
Fall gets me to start thinking about soups, casseroles, comfort food. Things will start changing up at the restaurant. We are supporters of local football, sports in general, academics, arts and citizenship. The local block party will be this month and that always gives me the warm fuzzies. People coming together to celebrate our little town and history of downtown specifically. Our downtown has always tugged at my heart strings. The bricks streets and architecture of the early 1900 buildings are so full of history. It's awesome.
Fall is the season before winter. Things begin to die and take on other shapes and sometimes purposes. Seems appropriate as I examine my own heart. I have begun a journey of self discovery in recent months and it seems to be climaxing as the season of fall approaches. I have discovered that I, myself, am my biggest obstacle is this life. I tried to blame finances, circumstances, influences....turns out that my own lack of self discipline, self love, strong will and ample amount of stubbornness are my worst enemies. I continue to pray for acceptance of what I can change and the strength to do what it necessary.
Very unnerving thing happened today. I've been cleaning stuff out and in the process found home movies from like 8 years ago. It was hard for me to believe that was me. I didn't look a whole lot different, but my spirit was very different. My daughter didn't believe it sounded like my voice. It was like a totally different person that I have no recollection of. How does that even happen?
I guess a person can sink into the depths of the leaves becoming "dead" of sorts. Fortunately, those leaves can become mulch and help things to grow. There is a part of me dying as I travel this journey. It is extremely pain filled and difficult. I would have argued that I do not have an addiction and that my actions were not hurting anything or anyone. The aftermath shows differently. I'm glad God is being patient with me. I need more time to say goodbye to some of those things anchoring me down. If I stay too long, I will drown. But God has thrown me a safety net. I see things that need to change and have made some efforts to be the change.
I will never forget the son and the husband that I loved and continue to love very much. I am grateful that they were a part of my life and now a part of my heart. They both died very unexpectedly. I lost my grandparents, my aunt who was like a mother, my father-in-law, my son, my husband and an uncle my parents cared for in less than 5 years. It is a natural part of life, none of us gets out alive....but wow! sure tough on those left behind.
I did not die. I gave up living at some point, often thinking that the world would be better off without my craziness. But I did not die.
It is time to live a full life in God who gives me strength and love. It is self destructive to just try to forget the good as well as the pain that ensued from their loss. Feeling it in real time years later and mourning again is almost unbearable but necessary for me to continue in my journey. I have watched the film, I have sorted through the belongings, I have cried, I have been crazy. I have come to place it all in God's loving hands. I will ask them to pray for me and will remember them always.
Alcohol and drugs are not the answer. Becoming someone else to be accepted or losing yourself for someone else's benefit is not the answer. Giving pieces of yourself to others, leaving yourself as something less, is not the answer. Self destructive behavior gets you no where and hurts those who love you.
Seems I'm learning what the answer is not...all in good time I hope to learn better what the answer is. The Lord is kind and merciful full of love to all those who call.
Lord, please help me to let go of the anxieties that I possess. Help me to put my trust in You and be a faithful servant. Help guide me to goodness and abstain from the darkness I often turn to. I thank you for placing vessels of Your goodness in my path for as long as they may remain. Please help me to inspire faith, love and hope to Spence, to be the example You made me to be. To continue this journey with strength and a renewed sense of love for myself and You, who made me.
Fall has typically always been my favorite season. I love that it changes from so hot to a milder climate. I love the way the leaves change from a simple green into a burst of colors. When they fall from the branches giving them life, they make a crunch under your feet and are fun to fall into.
School starts back up in the fall and creates a buzz and busyness in our home. Ball games, youth group, school activities are added into the schedules. It seems a routine of this sort is embraced in our home. We have become list makers and calendar keepers. This is a big stretch for me, considering I never even find it important to wear a watch.
Fall gets me to start thinking about soups, casseroles, comfort food. Things will start changing up at the restaurant. We are supporters of local football, sports in general, academics, arts and citizenship. The local block party will be this month and that always gives me the warm fuzzies. People coming together to celebrate our little town and history of downtown specifically. Our downtown has always tugged at my heart strings. The bricks streets and architecture of the early 1900 buildings are so full of history. It's awesome.
Fall is the season before winter. Things begin to die and take on other shapes and sometimes purposes. Seems appropriate as I examine my own heart. I have begun a journey of self discovery in recent months and it seems to be climaxing as the season of fall approaches. I have discovered that I, myself, am my biggest obstacle is this life. I tried to blame finances, circumstances, influences....turns out that my own lack of self discipline, self love, strong will and ample amount of stubbornness are my worst enemies. I continue to pray for acceptance of what I can change and the strength to do what it necessary.
Very unnerving thing happened today. I've been cleaning stuff out and in the process found home movies from like 8 years ago. It was hard for me to believe that was me. I didn't look a whole lot different, but my spirit was very different. My daughter didn't believe it sounded like my voice. It was like a totally different person that I have no recollection of. How does that even happen?
I guess a person can sink into the depths of the leaves becoming "dead" of sorts. Fortunately, those leaves can become mulch and help things to grow. There is a part of me dying as I travel this journey. It is extremely pain filled and difficult. I would have argued that I do not have an addiction and that my actions were not hurting anything or anyone. The aftermath shows differently. I'm glad God is being patient with me. I need more time to say goodbye to some of those things anchoring me down. If I stay too long, I will drown. But God has thrown me a safety net. I see things that need to change and have made some efforts to be the change.
I will never forget the son and the husband that I loved and continue to love very much. I am grateful that they were a part of my life and now a part of my heart. They both died very unexpectedly. I lost my grandparents, my aunt who was like a mother, my father-in-law, my son, my husband and an uncle my parents cared for in less than 5 years. It is a natural part of life, none of us gets out alive....but wow! sure tough on those left behind.
I did not die. I gave up living at some point, often thinking that the world would be better off without my craziness. But I did not die.
It is time to live a full life in God who gives me strength and love. It is self destructive to just try to forget the good as well as the pain that ensued from their loss. Feeling it in real time years later and mourning again is almost unbearable but necessary for me to continue in my journey. I have watched the film, I have sorted through the belongings, I have cried, I have been crazy. I have come to place it all in God's loving hands. I will ask them to pray for me and will remember them always.
Alcohol and drugs are not the answer. Becoming someone else to be accepted or losing yourself for someone else's benefit is not the answer. Giving pieces of yourself to others, leaving yourself as something less, is not the answer. Self destructive behavior gets you no where and hurts those who love you.
Seems I'm learning what the answer is not...all in good time I hope to learn better what the answer is. The Lord is kind and merciful full of love to all those who call.
Lord, please help me to let go of the anxieties that I possess. Help me to put my trust in You and be a faithful servant. Help guide me to goodness and abstain from the darkness I often turn to. I thank you for placing vessels of Your goodness in my path for as long as they may remain. Please help me to inspire faith, love and hope to Spence, to be the example You made me to be. To continue this journey with strength and a renewed sense of love for myself and You, who made me.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
HARD to FALL
Had been doing really well. Fell exceptionally hard on Saturday. It was quite a fall to recover from. Not sure why I did it. Never want to do it again. Life is much better without the substances I have relied on for so long. Wonder how long it will be until I no longer stumble or fall. God is on my side and I feel his presence even stronger everyday.
I want to experience the world through these new eyes for a while and see what I have been missing out on. I also want to see what is in store for me. Things are changing so quickly in my world. It seems like a slow progression and then boom! Everything is different. Some changes I am REALLY struggling with, others are coming a little easier.
Dear Lord, please continue to watch over me with your gentle kindness and love. I thank you for the positive influences you have placed in my life. Help me to not overuse or abuse the goodness there. I have a tendency to wear people out and I only want to embrace the help, the goodness, the friendship of those around me. I'm afraid of going it alone. I know darkness and ironically have had a fear of the dark since early childhood. It is interesting the new fears that pop up everyday, I accept that these may be obstacles/challenges that will help me learn and grow in my faith in you. Thank you for sending me angels that I recognize and accept direction from, please bless them in return.
I want to experience the world through these new eyes for a while and see what I have been missing out on. I also want to see what is in store for me. Things are changing so quickly in my world. It seems like a slow progression and then boom! Everything is different. Some changes I am REALLY struggling with, others are coming a little easier.
Dear Lord, please continue to watch over me with your gentle kindness and love. I thank you for the positive influences you have placed in my life. Help me to not overuse or abuse the goodness there. I have a tendency to wear people out and I only want to embrace the help, the goodness, the friendship of those around me. I'm afraid of going it alone. I know darkness and ironically have had a fear of the dark since early childhood. It is interesting the new fears that pop up everyday, I accept that these may be obstacles/challenges that will help me learn and grow in my faith in you. Thank you for sending me angels that I recognize and accept direction from, please bless them in return.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
STAGES of LIFE
I have always known, but at times forgot, the beauty you can see when you are cognizant of Him, who created it all.
Went to mass this morning and it felt different. I felt very comfortable and at home. I haven't felt that way there in awhile. As I take baby steps in my journey, I believe my spirit is truly being nurtured and loved by God. In a weird way, I think others around me can sense it. They may not know what is different about me but they seem to notice something. Today, a woman at church, that has been a lifelong friend of our family came up to me and gave me a big hug. With tears in her eyes, she said that I had really touched her heart today and she hoped I was ok. Hmmm...encouragement that I am taking steps in the right direction. A blessing!
So, after church decided to put water on the yard, sit in the shade and just enjoy being for a bit. Then I noticed that a couple of butterflies were playing in the water, which brought a smile to my face. You see, I kind of have a history of the butterfly theme in my life.
Butterflies are very interesting insects that are beautiful colors and fun to watch. I remember chasing many of them with a net as a kid. I would capture the beauty and observe it in a jar before releasing it back to it's natural habitat. They were quite a challenge to catch!
At the age of nine or so I joined 4-H. I particpated in method demonstrations that year with a fellow 4-Her. Method demonstrations are a public speaking project (which quite frankly horrified me, initially) and can be on any topic within certain areas. Anyway, ours was about butterflies. We dressed as butterflies and actually made our entrance emerging from a cocoon, which was actually pretty cool.
What I learned in that process is that butterflies have 4 stages of life. They begin as an egg. When it hatches, a tiny larva (stage 2), called a caterpillar emerges and begins to feed. The 3rd stage is called pupa. Once full grown, the caterpillar molts into a chrysalis. This stage has often been referred to as the "resting stage". It is actually a time of intense developmental activity. Then stage 4. While a chrysalis, the caterpillar is converted to a butterfly.
My grandmother, loved butterflies. We affectionately called her Bow-Bow. She wore big butterfly pins on her scarf or blouse, often times. She was very artistic and often drew pictures of them. She loved when we would catch them and bring them to show her.
When Matthew was born, his adoptive mother made me a stained glass butterfly. She gave it to me as a gift with a letter saying that I was so strong, brave and beautiful. The butterfly was a symbol of life. Life that I had given Matthew and the potential of life I had to live.
My grandmother died in March 2004. The family was gathered at the family farm and it was warm outside. A butterfly kept coming around different people at different times. I joked that it was Bow-Bow spreading her love around us.
Shortly after that, a butterfly flew into my parents house (which used to be my grandparents). It rested on a flower arrangement my mother had on the table. It stayed there for over 3 weeks. I think in a way, it brought my mother comfort. It made her think of her mom and she felt oddly close to her.
Later that year, my granddad, PaPa was living with us and next door my aunt had moved in with my parents. They both required some medical care and we brought them home to live out their last months. When things looked very grave for them, I went to the cemetary and sat next to Bow-Bow's grave to pray. It was a very warm October day. I bowed my head and prayed that she would make a place ready for Mary Lou and Pa-Pa as I felt the time was near. It's weird how sometimes our prayers change for people. Sometimes rather than praying for physical healing our prayer becomes for spiritual healing and that the last stage of their lives is peaceful and painfree. I felt a strong presence of Bow-Bow as I prayed. It seemed she was telling me it was going to be ok and their place was secured in Heaven. Then, a big beautiful orange butterfly landed on my shoulder. I knew whatever God's plan was, it was going to be ok.
Most things in life, I think, have stages. Everything is a process. As people, we have stages of life as well. They are somewhat different than butterflies, obviously, as our bodies are more complex. However, I believe our spirit may go through stages very similar to that of a butterfly. I wonder what stage I am in at this point in my life? Fortunately, unlike a butterfly, our spirits' stages can waver back and forth, always with a possibility of emerging into beautiful butterflies that can take flight. That is what God wants for us.
Lord, thank you for the beauty in nature that you have given us. It is awesome that not only can we be amazed, we can also learn lessons from them. Only Your design could be so perfect. Thank you for the gift of being able to see it and be amazed by it. Help me to see your goodness in others, even when it is difficult to do so. Please help guide me through the stages here on this earth....until I become a beautiful "butterfly" with you in Heaven.
Went to mass this morning and it felt different. I felt very comfortable and at home. I haven't felt that way there in awhile. As I take baby steps in my journey, I believe my spirit is truly being nurtured and loved by God. In a weird way, I think others around me can sense it. They may not know what is different about me but they seem to notice something. Today, a woman at church, that has been a lifelong friend of our family came up to me and gave me a big hug. With tears in her eyes, she said that I had really touched her heart today and she hoped I was ok. Hmmm...encouragement that I am taking steps in the right direction. A blessing!
So, after church decided to put water on the yard, sit in the shade and just enjoy being for a bit. Then I noticed that a couple of butterflies were playing in the water, which brought a smile to my face. You see, I kind of have a history of the butterfly theme in my life.
Butterflies are very interesting insects that are beautiful colors and fun to watch. I remember chasing many of them with a net as a kid. I would capture the beauty and observe it in a jar before releasing it back to it's natural habitat. They were quite a challenge to catch!
At the age of nine or so I joined 4-H. I particpated in method demonstrations that year with a fellow 4-Her. Method demonstrations are a public speaking project (which quite frankly horrified me, initially) and can be on any topic within certain areas. Anyway, ours was about butterflies. We dressed as butterflies and actually made our entrance emerging from a cocoon, which was actually pretty cool.
What I learned in that process is that butterflies have 4 stages of life. They begin as an egg. When it hatches, a tiny larva (stage 2), called a caterpillar emerges and begins to feed. The 3rd stage is called pupa. Once full grown, the caterpillar molts into a chrysalis. This stage has often been referred to as the "resting stage". It is actually a time of intense developmental activity. Then stage 4. While a chrysalis, the caterpillar is converted to a butterfly.
My grandmother, loved butterflies. We affectionately called her Bow-Bow. She wore big butterfly pins on her scarf or blouse, often times. She was very artistic and often drew pictures of them. She loved when we would catch them and bring them to show her.
When Matthew was born, his adoptive mother made me a stained glass butterfly. She gave it to me as a gift with a letter saying that I was so strong, brave and beautiful. The butterfly was a symbol of life. Life that I had given Matthew and the potential of life I had to live.
My grandmother died in March 2004. The family was gathered at the family farm and it was warm outside. A butterfly kept coming around different people at different times. I joked that it was Bow-Bow spreading her love around us.
Shortly after that, a butterfly flew into my parents house (which used to be my grandparents). It rested on a flower arrangement my mother had on the table. It stayed there for over 3 weeks. I think in a way, it brought my mother comfort. It made her think of her mom and she felt oddly close to her.
Later that year, my granddad, PaPa was living with us and next door my aunt had moved in with my parents. They both required some medical care and we brought them home to live out their last months. When things looked very grave for them, I went to the cemetary and sat next to Bow-Bow's grave to pray. It was a very warm October day. I bowed my head and prayed that she would make a place ready for Mary Lou and Pa-Pa as I felt the time was near. It's weird how sometimes our prayers change for people. Sometimes rather than praying for physical healing our prayer becomes for spiritual healing and that the last stage of their lives is peaceful and painfree. I felt a strong presence of Bow-Bow as I prayed. It seemed she was telling me it was going to be ok and their place was secured in Heaven. Then, a big beautiful orange butterfly landed on my shoulder. I knew whatever God's plan was, it was going to be ok.
Most things in life, I think, have stages. Everything is a process. As people, we have stages of life as well. They are somewhat different than butterflies, obviously, as our bodies are more complex. However, I believe our spirit may go through stages very similar to that of a butterfly. I wonder what stage I am in at this point in my life? Fortunately, unlike a butterfly, our spirits' stages can waver back and forth, always with a possibility of emerging into beautiful butterflies that can take flight. That is what God wants for us.
Lord, thank you for the beauty in nature that you have given us. It is awesome that not only can we be amazed, we can also learn lessons from them. Only Your design could be so perfect. Thank you for the gift of being able to see it and be amazed by it. Help me to see your goodness in others, even when it is difficult to do so. Please help guide me through the stages here on this earth....until I become a beautiful "butterfly" with you in Heaven.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Blessed
I am feeling very blessed! I can feel God working in my life in a way I have not recognized for some time. Blessing have been there, but I have not always recognized or acknowledged them.
This morning I was able to greet a newborn baby into the world surrounded by some very special people. It is amazing to me to see God's handiwork in action. He has made us all unique with a watchful eye. There is nothing more amazing than a new baby except for the One that created us. It will be fun to watch her change and grow and see the changes she brings to her new family. What a blessing!
I have been told recently that I am a good listener. As odd as it may seem, a repair guy came to my business this week to work on equipment. He chatted it up with me while he worked. When he was finished, he said he had enjoyed the time, appreciated how I actually listened to him and there would be no cost for the work he had done. Given the financial strains I am currently facing, this was a blessing!
I have been having some struggles in my world recently and today my FRIEND validated my feelings and worth as a child of God, however crazy I may feel. As she actually said the words, "Well, I'm validating you right now", I felt weight lifted off my shoulders. She listened to me, prays for me and holds me accountable for my actions. How can things not be turning around in my life with God in my court this way? He has placed a special person in my secluded little world that has enlightened me in immeasurable ways! For that I give thanks and glory!
Lord, thank you for blessing me in so many ways everyday. I need to remember to be still and pay attention to the goodness you bring to my life. Please bless the people in my life that bring happiness, peace and wisdom my way. Help me to be a friend in return. I will continue to strive to be your servant and live according to Your will.
This morning I was able to greet a newborn baby into the world surrounded by some very special people. It is amazing to me to see God's handiwork in action. He has made us all unique with a watchful eye. There is nothing more amazing than a new baby except for the One that created us. It will be fun to watch her change and grow and see the changes she brings to her new family. What a blessing!
I have been told recently that I am a good listener. As odd as it may seem, a repair guy came to my business this week to work on equipment. He chatted it up with me while he worked. When he was finished, he said he had enjoyed the time, appreciated how I actually listened to him and there would be no cost for the work he had done. Given the financial strains I am currently facing, this was a blessing!
I have been having some struggles in my world recently and today my FRIEND validated my feelings and worth as a child of God, however crazy I may feel. As she actually said the words, "Well, I'm validating you right now", I felt weight lifted off my shoulders. She listened to me, prays for me and holds me accountable for my actions. How can things not be turning around in my life with God in my court this way? He has placed a special person in my secluded little world that has enlightened me in immeasurable ways! For that I give thanks and glory!
Lord, thank you for blessing me in so many ways everyday. I need to remember to be still and pay attention to the goodness you bring to my life. Please bless the people in my life that bring happiness, peace and wisdom my way. Help me to be a friend in return. I will continue to strive to be your servant and live according to Your will.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Whatsoever You Do
As a kid, parents are always giving us words of wisdom. My mother would send us out the door to catch the school bus reminding us "whatsoever you do....".
In church, we would frequently sing the song, Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto Me. This was my mother's daily reminder for us to be nice to others, because what you do to others, you are doing to God.
We would often roll our eyes at her and say "sure Mom, got it". But we did get what she was talking about and often could 'hear' her say it throughout the day. I had attended Catholic school for 4 1/2 years and weekly Mass all my life. The concept was anything but foriegn to me.
We lived in the country and visitors were relatively infrequent. One summer day, my brother and I were playing outside when we saw a stranger walking down our old dusty road towards our home. We watched with a curiosity of who this person could be. We were five miles from town and three miles from paved roads. People walking there was rare.
As he approached, my brother and I ran inside to tell mom there was a "stranger" coming. She laughed at us as we ran out to greet him. He greeted us with a kind smile and didn't speak much. This unknown man had olive skin, blue eyes and shoulder length hair. He was very hot from his walk and appeared to be hungry. We talked to him a minute and offered to fix him something to eat.
As we went in the house to see what we could round up, we joked that he looked like Jesus. He patiently waited outside while we went and made him a couple of sandwiches, chips and drinks. We had little and mom stretched a dollar as far as she could. We were allowed one soft drink per day, typically a Shasta. I suggested we should give him one. Mom asked if I was willing to give up mine for the day so that this man could have it. After a little hesitation, I said sure! And packed another for him, giving mine up for the next day as well.
We returned to the resting man and gave him the food. He was most appreciative and with a gentle smile and sparkling eyes said thank you and went on his way. Feeling pretty good about what we had done, we were still curious about where this man came from and where his journey would take him. We climbed atop a grain bin to observe.
It seemed he went a short distance down the road and disappeared! We looked in every direction and scoped out every avenue we thought possible. We never located him or an abandoned vehicle. He seemed to just vanish!
We were in amazement and really felt like we had fed Jesus.
I became a firm believer that God is everywhere and within everyone. I continue to believe we are all children of God and that whatsoever we do, we do unto Him.
In my search for finding me...one thing I am certain of, is I am a giver. A person of service to others. Sometimes, people have pointed out that I may give too much, like, to a fault. It may be that I have neglected to nurture and love myself, forgetting sometimes that I TOO AM A CHILD OF GOD.
Lord, please continue to help me see You in others and treat them as You have taught us. Also, please help me find a balance of taking care of myself as well. So that others may see You in me...
In church, we would frequently sing the song, Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto Me. This was my mother's daily reminder for us to be nice to others, because what you do to others, you are doing to God.
We would often roll our eyes at her and say "sure Mom, got it". But we did get what she was talking about and often could 'hear' her say it throughout the day. I had attended Catholic school for 4 1/2 years and weekly Mass all my life. The concept was anything but foriegn to me.
We lived in the country and visitors were relatively infrequent. One summer day, my brother and I were playing outside when we saw a stranger walking down our old dusty road towards our home. We watched with a curiosity of who this person could be. We were five miles from town and three miles from paved roads. People walking there was rare.
As he approached, my brother and I ran inside to tell mom there was a "stranger" coming. She laughed at us as we ran out to greet him. He greeted us with a kind smile and didn't speak much. This unknown man had olive skin, blue eyes and shoulder length hair. He was very hot from his walk and appeared to be hungry. We talked to him a minute and offered to fix him something to eat.
As we went in the house to see what we could round up, we joked that he looked like Jesus. He patiently waited outside while we went and made him a couple of sandwiches, chips and drinks. We had little and mom stretched a dollar as far as she could. We were allowed one soft drink per day, typically a Shasta. I suggested we should give him one. Mom asked if I was willing to give up mine for the day so that this man could have it. After a little hesitation, I said sure! And packed another for him, giving mine up for the next day as well.
We returned to the resting man and gave him the food. He was most appreciative and with a gentle smile and sparkling eyes said thank you and went on his way. Feeling pretty good about what we had done, we were still curious about where this man came from and where his journey would take him. We climbed atop a grain bin to observe.
It seemed he went a short distance down the road and disappeared! We looked in every direction and scoped out every avenue we thought possible. We never located him or an abandoned vehicle. He seemed to just vanish!
We were in amazement and really felt like we had fed Jesus.
I became a firm believer that God is everywhere and within everyone. I continue to believe we are all children of God and that whatsoever we do, we do unto Him.
In my search for finding me...one thing I am certain of, is I am a giver. A person of service to others. Sometimes, people have pointed out that I may give too much, like, to a fault. It may be that I have neglected to nurture and love myself, forgetting sometimes that I TOO AM A CHILD OF GOD.
Lord, please continue to help me see You in others and treat them as You have taught us. Also, please help me find a balance of taking care of myself as well. So that others may see You in me...
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
New to me
Ok. So, I'm new to the world of blogging. I have recently begun a journey of self discovery and thought this might be a good outlet for expression. I have gotten lost somewhere along the way and am attempting to find myself. I am in my early 40's and figure it's time to discover who I really am. I know I am a child of God, I also know I'm a little crazy...hence the name Crazy Child of God. I will be posting some of my thoughts, struggles and successes here along the way.
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