SeASoNs

There is a time for everything....I'm just now getting my yard in decent shape and the leaves are starting to fall.  You can feel a crispness in the mornings, the hot days are a different kind of hot, there are different birds and insects in the yard....Fall is upon us. 

Fall has typically always been my favorite season.  I love that it changes from so hot to a milder climate.  I love the way the leaves change from a simple green into a burst of colors.  When they fall from the branches giving them life, they make a crunch under your feet and are fun to fall into. 

School starts back up in the fall and creates a buzz and busyness in our home.  Ball games, youth group, school activities are added into the schedules.  It seems a routine of this sort is embraced in our home.  We have become list makers and calendar keepers.  This is a big stretch for me, considering I never even find it important to wear a watch. 

Fall gets me to start thinking about soups, casseroles, comfort food.  Things will start changing up at the restaurant.  We are supporters of local football, sports in general, academics, arts and citizenship.  The local block party will be this month and that always gives me the warm fuzzies.  People coming together to celebrate our little town and history of downtown specifically.  Our downtown has always tugged at my heart strings.  The bricks streets and architecture of the early 1900 buildings are so full of history.  It's awesome.

Fall is the season before winter.  Things begin to die and take on other shapes and sometimes purposes.  Seems appropriate as I examine my own heart.  I have begun a journey of self discovery in recent months and it seems to be climaxing as the season of fall approaches.  I have discovered that I, myself, am my biggest obstacle is this life.  I tried to blame finances, circumstances, influences....turns out that my own lack of self discipline, self love, strong will and ample amount of stubbornness are my worst enemies.  I continue to pray for acceptance of what I can change and the strength to do what it necessary.

Very unnerving thing happened today.  I've been cleaning stuff out and in the process found home movies from like 8 years ago.  It was hard for me to believe that was me.  I didn't look a whole lot different, but my spirit was very different.  My daughter didn't believe it sounded like my voice.  It was like a totally different person that I have no recollection of.  How does that even happen? 

I guess a person can sink into the depths of the leaves becoming "dead" of sorts.  Fortunately, those leaves can become mulch and help things to grow.  There is a part of me dying as I travel this journey.  It is extremely pain filled and difficult.  I would have argued that I do not have an addiction and that my actions were not hurting anything or anyone.  The aftermath shows differently.  I'm glad God is being patient with me.  I need more time to say goodbye to some of those things anchoring me down.  If I stay too long, I will drown.  But God has thrown me a safety net.  I see things that need to change and have made some efforts to be the change. 

I will never forget the son and the husband that I loved and continue to love very much.  I am grateful that they were a part of my life and now a part of my heart.  They both died very unexpectedly. I lost my grandparents, my aunt who was like a mother, my father-in-law, my son, my husband and an uncle my parents cared for in less than 5 years.  It is a natural part of life, none of us gets out alive....but wow! sure tough on those left behind.

 I did not die. I gave up living at some point, often thinking that the world would be better off without my craziness.  But I did not die.

 It is time to live a full life in God who gives me strength and love.  It is self destructive to just try to forget the good as well as the pain that ensued from their loss.  Feeling it in real time years later and mourning again is almost unbearable but necessary for me to continue in my journey.  I have watched the film, I have sorted through the belongings, I have cried, I have been crazy.  I have come to place it all in God's loving hands.  I will ask them to pray for me and will remember them always. 

Alcohol and drugs are not the answer.  Becoming someone else to be accepted or losing yourself for someone else's benefit is not the answer.  Giving pieces of yourself to others, leaving yourself as something less, is not the answer.  Self destructive behavior gets you no where and hurts those who love you.

Seems I'm learning what the answer is not...all in good time I hope to learn better what the answer is.  The Lord is kind and merciful full of love to all those who call.

Lord, please help me to let go of the anxieties that I possess.  Help me to put my trust in You and be a faithful servant.  Help guide me to goodness and abstain from the darkness I often turn to.  I thank you for placing vessels of Your goodness in my path for as long as they may remain.  Please help me to inspire faith, love and hope to Spence, to be the example You made me to be. To continue this journey with strength and a renewed sense of love for myself and You, who made me.