So. Here it is the beginning of a new year. I've got to admit, I'm very optimistic about what's to come. I truly believe the best days of my life are just ahead. I'm in a good place right now.
My beautiful daughter just turned 18 and graduates from high school in May 2017. Whew! The time is flying by! She has plans to attend college in the fall. I know God has big plans for her life. She is so wise beyond her years and her faith filled life truly amazes me on a daily basis. She is truly a wonderful human. Although this will be a huge change for our family, I'm excited to see what she does in this world. I know it will be something wonderful.
. I believe. I have faith. I have hope. And it feels good!
2016 was full of lessons in letting go. Letting go of old baggage I'd been carrying around for years. Letting go of wanting to control and know everything. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of the misconception that I'm not enough. Letting go of anxieties of the past and future. Letting go of the notion that I am less than. You get the idea, I let go of a lot of junk. Letting go of the past. Letting go of the future. Learning to let go has been a really tough lesson for me. Seems I've had a recurring theme in my life of losing. I tend to hang on too tightly to things/people that I'm afraid of losing. I realize that holding on too tightly to anything or anyone is unhealthly and unproductive. The one thing you can count on in life is change. Just go with it. It is what it is and very rarely can you do anything about it. Roll with it.
Today, at the beginning of 2017, I feel a renewed sense of spirit. I feel lighter. I'm far from perfect but the progress of positive has been so significant that I feel like a renewed person. I'm renewed in the Love, Mercy and Graces of Jesus Christ. In the midst of all the messiness/craziness there have been so many blessings. People that God has placed in my life to love me right where I am and help me to do better. Circumstances to teach me how much God loves everyone of us. Circumstances to teach me how blessed I truly am. Situations to become an open vessel for God's love. Situations to remind me that in the big scheme of things, all is truly well with my soul.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
How did I end up here?
So here I sit the week between Christmas and New Years. I said at the beginning of 2015, "If I can survive this year, everything will be ok." I put my faith in that statement and then put a step forward to tackle the new year.
I'm not big on new year resolutions. Mostly because I tend to lose sight of the goals by mid-January. It appears, however, that I typically do take time in this season of the year to evaluate where I am and where I hope to go in the new year. It's on TV, radio, social media and on and on. Look what happened over the past 12 months. How do you feel about it? Is this where you thought you'd be now? Now look forward, what do you hope to achieve?
I must say that I am no where near where I had intended to be. But one thing for certain is, I'm grateful to be here.
So, I guess I'll reflect over the past year.
2015 has been the year that I got honest. Not to say that all the other years, I was totally dishonest. But this year, stuff got real. I got real. There is typically a reason why a person doesn't want to be honest. Well, I was not honest with myself because I did not like what I saw, it has been a painful process. However, after I've weeded through the ugly, painful, dark stuff, I discovered some of the good stuff about me. Good things that I had not been honest with myself about either.
I've been scared to death of responsibility. I was convinced I could not survive running a one parent household with a teenage daughter and run a successful business that was suffering financially already and maintain my sanity. Meanwhile, plunging into a quest regarding my sanity, my spirituality and so much more. Also trying to nurture that beautiful daughter of mine and take care of my personal needs, take care of the yard, the house, the bills.... You know, just everyday things. Getting out of bed. I've tried to keep up a happy face and balance all of these things. Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it.
That's some truth I learned. I was convinced I was inadequate, but the truth is quite the contrary. I'm adequate. I am enough. I fail, but I get back up. I'm enough.
I learned that I tend to be a hermit. I go to work and home. I don't branch out much more than that and my social circle is small. Hell, who am I kidding, I've had no social circle for several years. I've become more active in causes I believe in. I've made new acquaintances. By nature, I'm quite shy. I'm introverted. I prefer to observe rather than participate. Strangely enough, I love people. They fascinate me. The stories of people's lives and what happens on a daily basis in my work is way more interesting than any fiction I've ever read. I've learned that as different as people can be, we are all really pretty much the same. We all have hopes and fears. We all have dreams. We are all connected. Every single person on this planet has a story. A story all their own. Unique to them. Often times, their stories resonate with us, but their story is theirs. Just like my story is unique to me. I'm no longer ashamed of my past experiences. Those experiences just taught me lessons along the way, just like the experiences I'm having now will be certain to teach me something new. I'm learning to pay attention.
I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. Humans make mistakes.
Words are so powerful. Words are used to name, describe, put into action people places and things. Words are used to build up or words can be used to tear people down. I prefer to use my words to build people up, to be positive in a world with so much hurt and negativity.
I've learned to observe my own self. To observe myself in social situations, when I'm alone, when I'm working, when I'm resting.... It seems my brain hasn't stopped. It also seems I have learned a lot about myself.
I can conjure up a situation in my mind in 0 seconds. How things could go wrong, what if I make the wrong decision, what if I put myself out there and am ridiculed, what if, what if, what if. Who cares what if? Well, apparently I care about what ifs. Right? I mean, why would I be writing this if I didn't care. This year, I've tried to put the what ifs away. Sure, there are lots of things that could go wrong but the biggest thing I learned is that a lot of things can go right too.
I've continued to struggle with addictions in 2015. When I said I got honest with me, let's just say, to an addict, honesty may be really hard to swallow. I lost connection with a friend I had relied on too much for the wrong things. She cut the ties but said she would pray for me. I understand. I was toxic to her. I've made mistakes and I took some of them too far. With her guidance and prayers I found a supportive group of people that are helping me with those struggles. Life doesn't have to be this way. I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to do the work. I've admitted that I have to do something different and I'm taking steps. I am doing the work.
I've worked my ass off this past year. I added hours to my operating schedule. I've had liens put on and taken off my business property. Then put back on. My bank account was froze due to my owing money. No bank would loan me money to keep going. In fact, one banker told me that my business had served its purpose for me and it was time to sell before it was taken away from me. In my heart, I don't believe that banker to be correct. I pondered that conversation for months. I talked to several real estate pros, none who really seemed to offer much encouragement or information. Property really isn't moving so hard to compare a market. It has been hard for me to approach the banks, realtors for help. The what ifs kept creeping in. I did not formally place my property on the market. I was denied several loans. I have been in the red most of the year. I've thought of every other option I could conjure up that might be more successful than my current venture. Let me point out at this time that I have had this business for 8 years. There have been lots of ups and downs. This year has been super hard.
I took a spur of the moment summer vacation with my daughter and some of her friends. We went white water rafting. It was wonderful. Sometimes you have to stop and play. Trying new things can be refreshing.
In regards to my heart, I got it broken this year. Not because of the relationship I lost but I had created a relationship in my mind that was simply not reality. It was a part a pipedream. A part of my dishonesty with myself. I am now embracing my newfound feeling of freedom. Freedom to be alone and not feel lonely. I actually enjoy my alone time.
I had some health issues creep up this year. A fight with a kidney stone. Off and on from March to November. I have been tired.
In October, I had an accident. I received second and third degree burns on my left arm and hand from a kitchen grease accident. It was the most painful physical experience I've ever had. I was very fortunate. There was no nerve damage and it is healing well. It could have been so much worse. Having said that, it took me about 6-8 weeks to be able to recognize how fortunate I was that I had not been hurt worse. The physical pain was like none I had experienced. I had so much to do. Business was just getting better and the holiday season right around the corner. The holidays are the busiest time of year and you have to work when you can. I was so anxious. I sat and cried for a couple of days. Then, I tried to work. I did what I could with some parties that had been booked and searched for help. This would be an increase in my expenses. Medical expenses plus more wages. Can I do this?? Calls everyday from bill collectors. I'm at my wits end. I can feel the spinning of the downward spiral and it's fast...
About a week after my accident, a friend from church said that she knew I would say "nothing" if asked what someone could do for me. She asked if it would be ok to open a fund for me at a local bank. People had asked about me and what they could do. I was overwhelmed by her gesture. I immediately thought about the poverty simulation I had experienced and what I personally learned there. Yes. Thank you. I appreciate that people would like to help me. An account was open and people's generosity was mind blowing to me. And people seemed happy to help. I was totally in awe.
I prayed about the money and prayed about the money. Did I mention I don't have health insurance? I simply did not have the money for that expense any longer.
I prayed about the money that had been so generously gifted to me. I have so many needs, where do I start? I want to use it responsibly. As of today, I have no liens on my property. I am not homeless. In fact, my mortgage is almost caught up and I am not worried about becoming homeless today. My mortgage is current on my business and I am working some payment plans out for other debt. My car will not be repossessed today. My payment is caught up. I am far from debt free. However, I am not losing what I have worked for, today. That feels very comforting right now. I was able to have my surgery. People took care of me. God provided for my needs.
My reflection of the past 12 months, reminds me that you must be resourceful, resilient. You have to take chances. Things good AND bad will happen, it's the nature of this beast called life. This wonderful journey is better with other people in it. We are all connected. We help each other find our way. Glory be to God!
In an ever changing world, I tend to look for constants. It brings me comfort to find things that won't change or go away. The only things I've found that simply will not change are intangible. Things you can't see or touch. Things like, the love I have for my daughter. I love her unconditionally, that will never change. And God's love and graces. That doesn't change. I forget sometimes that He and all He has to offer are there, but it never changes. He's always there. Hearing our prayers and providing for our needs. I have a renewed spirit and intend to make the best it.
I have survived 2015. I am ok. I will keep going, paying attention to God's gifts. One day at a time.
So, I guess this is how I ended up on a needy family list and in AA at the close of 2015. Think it doesn't sound impressive? Think again. I caught a glimpse of where I could be.
I am so humbled. I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
God is so good.
Thank you Lord for uniquely making me. Thank you for the gifts I can share with others. I intend to use them for Your glory. Thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life. The daily reminders you show me, help me strive to be the person you created me to be. I am sorry for my failings. I am glad you are in my life.
I'm not big on new year resolutions. Mostly because I tend to lose sight of the goals by mid-January. It appears, however, that I typically do take time in this season of the year to evaluate where I am and where I hope to go in the new year. It's on TV, radio, social media and on and on. Look what happened over the past 12 months. How do you feel about it? Is this where you thought you'd be now? Now look forward, what do you hope to achieve?
I must say that I am no where near where I had intended to be. But one thing for certain is, I'm grateful to be here.
So, I guess I'll reflect over the past year.
2015 has been the year that I got honest. Not to say that all the other years, I was totally dishonest. But this year, stuff got real. I got real. There is typically a reason why a person doesn't want to be honest. Well, I was not honest with myself because I did not like what I saw, it has been a painful process. However, after I've weeded through the ugly, painful, dark stuff, I discovered some of the good stuff about me. Good things that I had not been honest with myself about either.
I've been scared to death of responsibility. I was convinced I could not survive running a one parent household with a teenage daughter and run a successful business that was suffering financially already and maintain my sanity. Meanwhile, plunging into a quest regarding my sanity, my spirituality and so much more. Also trying to nurture that beautiful daughter of mine and take care of my personal needs, take care of the yard, the house, the bills.... You know, just everyday things. Getting out of bed. I've tried to keep up a happy face and balance all of these things. Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it.
That's some truth I learned. I was convinced I was inadequate, but the truth is quite the contrary. I'm adequate. I am enough. I fail, but I get back up. I'm enough.
I learned that I tend to be a hermit. I go to work and home. I don't branch out much more than that and my social circle is small. Hell, who am I kidding, I've had no social circle for several years. I've become more active in causes I believe in. I've made new acquaintances. By nature, I'm quite shy. I'm introverted. I prefer to observe rather than participate. Strangely enough, I love people. They fascinate me. The stories of people's lives and what happens on a daily basis in my work is way more interesting than any fiction I've ever read. I've learned that as different as people can be, we are all really pretty much the same. We all have hopes and fears. We all have dreams. We are all connected. Every single person on this planet has a story. A story all their own. Unique to them. Often times, their stories resonate with us, but their story is theirs. Just like my story is unique to me. I'm no longer ashamed of my past experiences. Those experiences just taught me lessons along the way, just like the experiences I'm having now will be certain to teach me something new. I'm learning to pay attention.
I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. Humans make mistakes.
Words are so powerful. Words are used to name, describe, put into action people places and things. Words are used to build up or words can be used to tear people down. I prefer to use my words to build people up, to be positive in a world with so much hurt and negativity.
I've learned to observe my own self. To observe myself in social situations, when I'm alone, when I'm working, when I'm resting.... It seems my brain hasn't stopped. It also seems I have learned a lot about myself.
I can conjure up a situation in my mind in 0 seconds. How things could go wrong, what if I make the wrong decision, what if I put myself out there and am ridiculed, what if, what if, what if. Who cares what if? Well, apparently I care about what ifs. Right? I mean, why would I be writing this if I didn't care. This year, I've tried to put the what ifs away. Sure, there are lots of things that could go wrong but the biggest thing I learned is that a lot of things can go right too.
I've continued to struggle with addictions in 2015. When I said I got honest with me, let's just say, to an addict, honesty may be really hard to swallow. I lost connection with a friend I had relied on too much for the wrong things. She cut the ties but said she would pray for me. I understand. I was toxic to her. I've made mistakes and I took some of them too far. With her guidance and prayers I found a supportive group of people that are helping me with those struggles. Life doesn't have to be this way. I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to do the work. I've admitted that I have to do something different and I'm taking steps. I am doing the work.
I've worked my ass off this past year. I added hours to my operating schedule. I've had liens put on and taken off my business property. Then put back on. My bank account was froze due to my owing money. No bank would loan me money to keep going. In fact, one banker told me that my business had served its purpose for me and it was time to sell before it was taken away from me. In my heart, I don't believe that banker to be correct. I pondered that conversation for months. I talked to several real estate pros, none who really seemed to offer much encouragement or information. Property really isn't moving so hard to compare a market. It has been hard for me to approach the banks, realtors for help. The what ifs kept creeping in. I did not formally place my property on the market. I was denied several loans. I have been in the red most of the year. I've thought of every other option I could conjure up that might be more successful than my current venture. Let me point out at this time that I have had this business for 8 years. There have been lots of ups and downs. This year has been super hard.
I took a spur of the moment summer vacation with my daughter and some of her friends. We went white water rafting. It was wonderful. Sometimes you have to stop and play. Trying new things can be refreshing.
In regards to my heart, I got it broken this year. Not because of the relationship I lost but I had created a relationship in my mind that was simply not reality. It was a part a pipedream. A part of my dishonesty with myself. I am now embracing my newfound feeling of freedom. Freedom to be alone and not feel lonely. I actually enjoy my alone time.
I had some health issues creep up this year. A fight with a kidney stone. Off and on from March to November. I have been tired.
In October, I had an accident. I received second and third degree burns on my left arm and hand from a kitchen grease accident. It was the most painful physical experience I've ever had. I was very fortunate. There was no nerve damage and it is healing well. It could have been so much worse. Having said that, it took me about 6-8 weeks to be able to recognize how fortunate I was that I had not been hurt worse. The physical pain was like none I had experienced. I had so much to do. Business was just getting better and the holiday season right around the corner. The holidays are the busiest time of year and you have to work when you can. I was so anxious. I sat and cried for a couple of days. Then, I tried to work. I did what I could with some parties that had been booked and searched for help. This would be an increase in my expenses. Medical expenses plus more wages. Can I do this?? Calls everyday from bill collectors. I'm at my wits end. I can feel the spinning of the downward spiral and it's fast...
About a week after my accident, a friend from church said that she knew I would say "nothing" if asked what someone could do for me. She asked if it would be ok to open a fund for me at a local bank. People had asked about me and what they could do. I was overwhelmed by her gesture. I immediately thought about the poverty simulation I had experienced and what I personally learned there. Yes. Thank you. I appreciate that people would like to help me. An account was open and people's generosity was mind blowing to me. And people seemed happy to help. I was totally in awe.
I prayed about the money and prayed about the money. Did I mention I don't have health insurance? I simply did not have the money for that expense any longer.
I prayed about the money that had been so generously gifted to me. I have so many needs, where do I start? I want to use it responsibly. As of today, I have no liens on my property. I am not homeless. In fact, my mortgage is almost caught up and I am not worried about becoming homeless today. My mortgage is current on my business and I am working some payment plans out for other debt. My car will not be repossessed today. My payment is caught up. I am far from debt free. However, I am not losing what I have worked for, today. That feels very comforting right now. I was able to have my surgery. People took care of me. God provided for my needs.
My reflection of the past 12 months, reminds me that you must be resourceful, resilient. You have to take chances. Things good AND bad will happen, it's the nature of this beast called life. This wonderful journey is better with other people in it. We are all connected. We help each other find our way. Glory be to God!
In an ever changing world, I tend to look for constants. It brings me comfort to find things that won't change or go away. The only things I've found that simply will not change are intangible. Things you can't see or touch. Things like, the love I have for my daughter. I love her unconditionally, that will never change. And God's love and graces. That doesn't change. I forget sometimes that He and all He has to offer are there, but it never changes. He's always there. Hearing our prayers and providing for our needs. I have a renewed spirit and intend to make the best it.
I have survived 2015. I am ok. I will keep going, paying attention to God's gifts. One day at a time.
So, I guess this is how I ended up on a needy family list and in AA at the close of 2015. Think it doesn't sound impressive? Think again. I caught a glimpse of where I could be.
I am so humbled. I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
God is so good.
Thank you Lord for uniquely making me. Thank you for the gifts I can share with others. I intend to use them for Your glory. Thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life. The daily reminders you show me, help me strive to be the person you created me to be. I am sorry for my failings. I am glad you are in my life.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Some of Life's Lessons I've Learned
So. I haven't written in a while. I started blogging the summer of 2012. It was just after what turned out to be an incredible life changing event. I was searching for something. I started a journey. I thought blogging would be a great outlet for what I was experiencing. I have been sporadic in writing, but constant in learning.
That was three years ago. Either I'm a slow learner or I've had an awful lot to learn! Ha! The Spring of 2012 I had been called to be a team member on an ACTS Retreat. I truly believed that I could not be of any benefit there but also thought, hey, there must be SOME reason they are calling me. Maybe I'll ask some questions and sign up, might be good. I was not really active in the church at that time and was required to have my parish priest sign the form allowing me to participate. Father Scott looked into my crying eyes and very kindly said, "I have faith in you. Little did I know what was in store for me!
God slapped me upside the head with GRACE, FORGIVENESS, HUMILITY, KINDNESS, and LOVE. A group of beautiful women was dropped in my lap and they reminded me what it is like to be a child of God. They loved me right where I was. It was incredible. I began searching for something. Unsure of what I was searching for, I knew after that experience, I would never be the same again.
The following is a list of things I learned on this journey.
A stranger can change your life.
I am a child of God. As crazy as I may be sometimes, I am a child of God. I was beautifully and wonderfully made. So are you.
I am visible. For a very long time, I believed I was invisible to other people. They must not be able to see me and they certainly can't hear me. Yes. I believed this to be true. I believed I was truly insignificant and the world would not miss me if I disappeared, maybe it(my family) would be better off without me. Turns out, I'm visible. And I have purpose. So do you.
Everyone has a story. Life is a series of events and changes. The only constant thing in life is change. It's inevitable, you might as well embrace it.
Forgive yourself. How can you expect anyone else to forgive you when you can't even forgive yourself? Jesus died on the cross for your sins. They don't matter anymore. Learn from them and move on trying to do better.
Be still. Be quiet. You'll be surprised what you can hear.
Anger is ugly. I was full of anger. I didn't even know I could be angry. I was incredibly angry for a long time. Angry at myself for so many things. A lifetime of things. Angry about disease and how it takes people I love. Angry at Bruce for dying. Angry at Matthew for bailing on life after all the struggles. Angry at God for taking two of the most important men in my life ever. Anger may be a stage of grief, but I'm sure glad it didn't last the rest of my life. Having said that, I sometimes have to remind myself, to let the anger go.
I've relearned to love others. I make a point to pay attention to others and love them, wherever they are. Maybe my kindness will matter to someone. People should know they matter.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
I have many gifts.
Follow your dreams but be diligent in your work.
Pray often and in all circumstances.
Surround yourself with positive people and things. You do not have to tolerate negativity. Pay attention to yourself and don't be the negativity either. Toxic behavior does not have to be tolerated.
Words are incredibly powerful. They cannot be taken back once said. Use them to build people up not tear people down.
Use your words to communicate. Don't expect people to know what you are thinking. Speak up.
If you think kinds things, share them. The other person will appreciate it and so will you.
To help yourself, help someone else.
Smile and laugh often.
Fear can be paralyzing. Don't allow your life or thoughts to be consumed with fear. It accomplishes nothing.
Everyone dies. Make the best of the time you have. There are no do overs. Live by God's commandments, especially loving one another. Make a difference while you are here.
Our purpose in life, is to help one another get to Heaven.
I'm a sinner and I fail daily.
I'm forgiven and as long as I'm breathing, I have another chance to do better.
I am a work in progress.
God provides.
You can wear people out. When someone goes out on a limb for you, don't wear them out in return. Be a blessing back.
Don't judge anyone. You have no idea what is going on in their world.
Take care of yourself. No one else will do it for you.
You are stronger than you know.
Life is not a competition. Don't compare yourself to others. You are different people in different situations with different gifts. Be yourself.
Don't focus on what you don't have. Focus on what you have. Take care of what you have and use it to the best of your abilities.
Keep an open mind.
Enjoy nature. You can learn a lot by watching nature.
Keep a sense of humor and laugh a lot.
Embrace changes in seasons. Life is a natural cycle.
Three years have passed since God dropped an unexpected group of beautiful people in my life. I am so grateful that I can continue this journey today. I will continue to be aware of myself and my actions and strive to be a better human daily. These are just some of the highlighted lessons along this incredible journey. May I be wiser with each passing day.
Father God, thank you for this incredible gift of life that you have given me. I am sorry that I do not always use my gifts for your glory. I fail you daily. However, you continue to love me and forgive me. May I use the things I am learning in this journey in a positive way. I ask you to guide me where you want me. Help me to love others, especially those who need it most. May I show compassion to others, who feel invisible, lonely, afraid and unloved. Thank you for sending angels my way, to get me on track to live a life You designed me to live. May I be open to your direction. Thank you for Your love and graces. Amen
That was three years ago. Either I'm a slow learner or I've had an awful lot to learn! Ha! The Spring of 2012 I had been called to be a team member on an ACTS Retreat. I truly believed that I could not be of any benefit there but also thought, hey, there must be SOME reason they are calling me. Maybe I'll ask some questions and sign up, might be good. I was not really active in the church at that time and was required to have my parish priest sign the form allowing me to participate. Father Scott looked into my crying eyes and very kindly said, "I have faith in you. Little did I know what was in store for me!
God slapped me upside the head with GRACE, FORGIVENESS, HUMILITY, KINDNESS, and LOVE. A group of beautiful women was dropped in my lap and they reminded me what it is like to be a child of God. They loved me right where I was. It was incredible. I began searching for something. Unsure of what I was searching for, I knew after that experience, I would never be the same again.
The following is a list of things I learned on this journey.
A stranger can change your life.
I am a child of God. As crazy as I may be sometimes, I am a child of God. I was beautifully and wonderfully made. So are you.
I am visible. For a very long time, I believed I was invisible to other people. They must not be able to see me and they certainly can't hear me. Yes. I believed this to be true. I believed I was truly insignificant and the world would not miss me if I disappeared, maybe it(my family) would be better off without me. Turns out, I'm visible. And I have purpose. So do you.
Everyone has a story. Life is a series of events and changes. The only constant thing in life is change. It's inevitable, you might as well embrace it.
Forgive yourself. How can you expect anyone else to forgive you when you can't even forgive yourself? Jesus died on the cross for your sins. They don't matter anymore. Learn from them and move on trying to do better.
Be still. Be quiet. You'll be surprised what you can hear.
Anger is ugly. I was full of anger. I didn't even know I could be angry. I was incredibly angry for a long time. Angry at myself for so many things. A lifetime of things. Angry about disease and how it takes people I love. Angry at Bruce for dying. Angry at Matthew for bailing on life after all the struggles. Angry at God for taking two of the most important men in my life ever. Anger may be a stage of grief, but I'm sure glad it didn't last the rest of my life. Having said that, I sometimes have to remind myself, to let the anger go.
I've relearned to love others. I make a point to pay attention to others and love them, wherever they are. Maybe my kindness will matter to someone. People should know they matter.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
I have many gifts.
Follow your dreams but be diligent in your work.
Pray often and in all circumstances.
Surround yourself with positive people and things. You do not have to tolerate negativity. Pay attention to yourself and don't be the negativity either. Toxic behavior does not have to be tolerated.
Words are incredibly powerful. They cannot be taken back once said. Use them to build people up not tear people down.
Use your words to communicate. Don't expect people to know what you are thinking. Speak up.
If you think kinds things, share them. The other person will appreciate it and so will you.
To help yourself, help someone else.
Smile and laugh often.
Fear can be paralyzing. Don't allow your life or thoughts to be consumed with fear. It accomplishes nothing.
Everyone dies. Make the best of the time you have. There are no do overs. Live by God's commandments, especially loving one another. Make a difference while you are here.
Our purpose in life, is to help one another get to Heaven.
I'm a sinner and I fail daily.
I'm forgiven and as long as I'm breathing, I have another chance to do better.
I am a work in progress.
God provides.
You can wear people out. When someone goes out on a limb for you, don't wear them out in return. Be a blessing back.
Don't judge anyone. You have no idea what is going on in their world.
Take care of yourself. No one else will do it for you.
You are stronger than you know.
Life is not a competition. Don't compare yourself to others. You are different people in different situations with different gifts. Be yourself.
Don't focus on what you don't have. Focus on what you have. Take care of what you have and use it to the best of your abilities.
Keep an open mind.
Enjoy nature. You can learn a lot by watching nature.
Keep a sense of humor and laugh a lot.
Embrace changes in seasons. Life is a natural cycle.
Three years have passed since God dropped an unexpected group of beautiful people in my life. I am so grateful that I can continue this journey today. I will continue to be aware of myself and my actions and strive to be a better human daily. These are just some of the highlighted lessons along this incredible journey. May I be wiser with each passing day.
Father God, thank you for this incredible gift of life that you have given me. I am sorry that I do not always use my gifts for your glory. I fail you daily. However, you continue to love me and forgive me. May I use the things I am learning in this journey in a positive way. I ask you to guide me where you want me. Help me to love others, especially those who need it most. May I show compassion to others, who feel invisible, lonely, afraid and unloved. Thank you for sending angels my way, to get me on track to live a life You designed me to live. May I be open to your direction. Thank you for Your love and graces. Amen
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Persistence
Six months into 2014 and can I just say, "Whew! Breathe!" The first of this year I blogged about my intentions for the upcoming year and some of the hopes I had for myself, my family and my business.
I remember feeling so renewed. I had gotten current on some back debt and was so hopeful what this new year would bring. I went "all in" and decided it's all or nothing. This is what I want to do - my passion is here, I think I'm good at it and I want to succeed. I told Bruce to just trust me. That was seven years ago and now it was time for me to trust myself.
I cut back every possible expense I could. I sat down and sifted through numbers. I referenced my Opening a Restaurant for Dummies Book that I read when I opened. I prayed. I talked to friends about some ideas. I worked my ass off everyday. I prayed. I cashed in my retirement. I worked. I prayed. I branched out. Went from I don't cater to catering a party of 400. I prayed. I cried. I worked. I prayed.
No matter what I did, I felt I was sinking deeper and deeper in debt. Some crazy things happened. I cried. I laughed. I prayed some more. Some amazing things happened. I cried. I worked. I prayed.
I saw some things with my own eyes. I opened them wide. I needed to take control. I cleaned house and some people had to leave my world. I sat up and said, hey, it may not look like much to you, but I have worked my ass off for what I've got and I will not tolerate people disrespecting my house or me in my house. I will not tolerate people being mean or hurtful. I began to respect myself again and took pride in what I have.
I realized that instead of wanting something different from what I have, I should make the very best of what I've got. I began to nurture myself, my business, my relationship with my daughter and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks of me or what I do.
It was so empowering. I continued to work. Did I mention I prayed?
Just when I thought I might survive, a representative from the State Comptrollers office showed up at my doorstep, badge in hand, to collect $2000 in back taxes or take my license, close me down and begin seizure of my property.
Was this the end of this chapter for me? Was God answering a prayer for me? This is not the answer I was looking for. I went all in. How could this happen??
A blessing in disguise, I had just recently received an income tax refund and put it in my savings account. We were accumulating some medical bills at our house and I was trying to be responsible. In this moment, I decided to go to the bank, withdraw the very last of what I had and stay open.
The emotions that consumed me were so strong.
I felt threatened. I felt sorrow. I was pissed. I felt so alone in the world. I was scared. I was overwhelmed. I felt conquered.
It didn't matter that I could pay her at that time, it was inevitable that I would fail, just walk away now. Hard work does not pay off. What was I thinking? Why did I believe in myself? Silly girl.
Did I mention that this all happened about 10:45, we open at 11. I stood in the kitchen with my best friend and felt defeated, sad, scared and overwhelmed. Lunch was ready. I had paid the woman, she had marked all the bills and went on her way. It was 11:05 and I was ready to throw the towel in, crawl in a corner and forget this day. I texted a friend in an attempt to stay focused. She said I should be thankful I had the resources and make some changes to ensure that I have the funds taken care of appropriately. My dear friend standing in my kitchen, said, look I know you're freaked out. It's either fight or flight. I looked at her feeling more defeated than I can remember, and she said she's always been a fighter.
DING! DING! DING! Pull up your big girl panties and let's do this. It was a crazy busy day, just as the few days before had been. We opened and pulled it off. I felt exhausted at the end of lunch and made a call to my therapist. He reminded me that this setback did not take away from the progress I had made and was making. I was fortunate to have the resources and he encouraged me to keep up the good work.
I cried some more and then decided to get over myself. Either keep working or stop. I decided to continue on this awesome, crazy path I'm on.
That was only one short month ago. I feel the scales have finally begun to tip in my favor. I have finally gone about a week without phone calls to collect or disconnect me from services. I am almost current and my sales are increasing. I am so hopeful. I believe I can do this. I just celebrated seven years of business and I am excited about the future. I will thrive!
Lord, I give you thanks and praise for all the gifts in my life. May I use them to celebrate and share your love for all.
Note* I wrote this two months ago and didn't have the nerve to put it out there.
Update: I continue to work hard and have faith that all will be good. I continue to believe that my place is a blessing to many people and I take pride it that. I continue to be incredibly busy and blessed daily. I'm not boasting, just saying. Thank you, Lord for all the blessings you continue to bestow on me. I am learning creativity, I am learning trust, I am learning to listen to my own instincts and rely on no one in this world, I have learned how to multitask to the nth degree. I have and continue to strengthen my faith in God. I am ready to thrive.
I remember feeling so renewed. I had gotten current on some back debt and was so hopeful what this new year would bring. I went "all in" and decided it's all or nothing. This is what I want to do - my passion is here, I think I'm good at it and I want to succeed. I told Bruce to just trust me. That was seven years ago and now it was time for me to trust myself.
I cut back every possible expense I could. I sat down and sifted through numbers. I referenced my Opening a Restaurant for Dummies Book that I read when I opened. I prayed. I talked to friends about some ideas. I worked my ass off everyday. I prayed. I cashed in my retirement. I worked. I prayed. I branched out. Went from I don't cater to catering a party of 400. I prayed. I cried. I worked. I prayed.
No matter what I did, I felt I was sinking deeper and deeper in debt. Some crazy things happened. I cried. I laughed. I prayed some more. Some amazing things happened. I cried. I worked. I prayed.
I saw some things with my own eyes. I opened them wide. I needed to take control. I cleaned house and some people had to leave my world. I sat up and said, hey, it may not look like much to you, but I have worked my ass off for what I've got and I will not tolerate people disrespecting my house or me in my house. I will not tolerate people being mean or hurtful. I began to respect myself again and took pride in what I have.
I realized that instead of wanting something different from what I have, I should make the very best of what I've got. I began to nurture myself, my business, my relationship with my daughter and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks of me or what I do.
It was so empowering. I continued to work. Did I mention I prayed?
Just when I thought I might survive, a representative from the State Comptrollers office showed up at my doorstep, badge in hand, to collect $2000 in back taxes or take my license, close me down and begin seizure of my property.
Was this the end of this chapter for me? Was God answering a prayer for me? This is not the answer I was looking for. I went all in. How could this happen??
A blessing in disguise, I had just recently received an income tax refund and put it in my savings account. We were accumulating some medical bills at our house and I was trying to be responsible. In this moment, I decided to go to the bank, withdraw the very last of what I had and stay open.
The emotions that consumed me were so strong.
I felt threatened. I felt sorrow. I was pissed. I felt so alone in the world. I was scared. I was overwhelmed. I felt conquered.
It didn't matter that I could pay her at that time, it was inevitable that I would fail, just walk away now. Hard work does not pay off. What was I thinking? Why did I believe in myself? Silly girl.
Did I mention that this all happened about 10:45, we open at 11. I stood in the kitchen with my best friend and felt defeated, sad, scared and overwhelmed. Lunch was ready. I had paid the woman, she had marked all the bills and went on her way. It was 11:05 and I was ready to throw the towel in, crawl in a corner and forget this day. I texted a friend in an attempt to stay focused. She said I should be thankful I had the resources and make some changes to ensure that I have the funds taken care of appropriately. My dear friend standing in my kitchen, said, look I know you're freaked out. It's either fight or flight. I looked at her feeling more defeated than I can remember, and she said she's always been a fighter.
DING! DING! DING! Pull up your big girl panties and let's do this. It was a crazy busy day, just as the few days before had been. We opened and pulled it off. I felt exhausted at the end of lunch and made a call to my therapist. He reminded me that this setback did not take away from the progress I had made and was making. I was fortunate to have the resources and he encouraged me to keep up the good work.
I cried some more and then decided to get over myself. Either keep working or stop. I decided to continue on this awesome, crazy path I'm on.
That was only one short month ago. I feel the scales have finally begun to tip in my favor. I have finally gone about a week without phone calls to collect or disconnect me from services. I am almost current and my sales are increasing. I am so hopeful. I believe I can do this. I just celebrated seven years of business and I am excited about the future. I will thrive!
Lord, I give you thanks and praise for all the gifts in my life. May I use them to celebrate and share your love for all.
Note* I wrote this two months ago and didn't have the nerve to put it out there.
Update: I continue to work hard and have faith that all will be good. I continue to believe that my place is a blessing to many people and I take pride it that. I continue to be incredibly busy and blessed daily. I'm not boasting, just saying. Thank you, Lord for all the blessings you continue to bestow on me. I am learning creativity, I am learning trust, I am learning to listen to my own instincts and rely on no one in this world, I have learned how to multitask to the nth degree. I have and continue to strengthen my faith in God. I am ready to thrive.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Homelessness
I had been sick for about a week with some evil bug that really had me down. It was the middle of July and I was trying to hydrate and get better. I had plans to travel 8-10 hours from home to be homeless with a group of people I really did not know.
The one person I knew was Elia. We became college friends about 25 years ago and sporadically saw one another in the following years. I had not seen her in about 6 years but had reconnected through social media. (All of that is a story in itself.)
With some reservation, I packed for a weekend of homelessness. Participating in a poverty simulation. It was so weird to pack for. I mean, what do you pack to be homeless?
I rolled a blanket and towel together with a pillow and a small travel bag with a change of clothes, toothpaste and toothbrush. I threw in a bar of soap and travel size shampoo, tied them together with a prayer and my cell phone cord and headed to meet the other 5 "Team Waco" members.
While I was glad to be getting reacquainted with an old college friend, I was apprehensive about the weekend. There was a lot of unknowns about how this weekend would roll. I tried to think of it as summer camp. But my heart already knew it would not be comparable.
We made our introductions with one another in the Walmart parking lot and loaded up in a van to make the journey to Waco TX. After a somewhat quiet drive we anxiously arrived at Mission Waco to participate in a poverty simulation, whatever that is, an hour early. Great! Now we get to stand around and assess the situation. Growing increasingly anxious, I scan my surroundings and reassure myself that this will be like summer camp, it's Friday evening and I get to go home on Sunday. Whatever comes my way will be totally fine. No worries.
We are the only adult team to experience this lovely weekend, the other groups are children from large cities. They were teenagers from church youth groups. We stay as a team and are told to draw from a hat. Every member of the team will receive a small amount of "money" and can keep 4 items you packed. It's the amount of money a mom with three children receiving assistance in the state of Texas would receive. Cool! We will have money to survive on and keep 4 items, no worries! Immediately I start to do an inventory in my head about what items I will keep. What will help me and what will help the group? Then the instructor went on.
Well, almost everyone would be allowed these "luxuries". Everyone, EXCEPT the certain members holding the magic number from the hat. That one person from each group is HOMELESS. No money for you and you cannot keep a single thing you packed for the weekend. To no surprise to me, the homeless person in our group was me.
I already felt somewhat like an outcast because I really did not know many from our group. They all worked together as professionals in the same city and I was Elia's friend from small town Dalhart. I was the one who got car sick and had to stop to puke on the side of the road. I was the one who changed the seating arrangement in the van because riding shot gun may help my motion sickness. Alright, why not be THAT person now. Now, I'm homeless. I'm totally dependent on my group for things that I might need. I have nothing.
I stand in my nothingness and wonder what it is I'm supposed to get from all this.
The other members of the group are given their money and there are instructions about what will cost what. Immediately, without question the two females, Elia and Melanie hand me $10 off the top. It was so automatic that they help. They did not question anything. The males were a bit more conservative. It was implied that they would control their money and if I really needed it later or if they could later, they would. Everyone in the group started to talk about what items they would keep from what they packed. Everyone was very considerate about items we could all share or something I might need that they already had. I was so humbled and appreciative of the kindness my new found friends.
At this point, it began to rain. We were further stripped down by being told we were taking a trip to the thrift store for "new" duds. It was gifted for me since I had nothing, the others had to pay for their new clothes. Did I mention that your own shoes were considered an item? I could not keep my own shoes. I laughed since before I left home, my shoes were mentioned as something I ought to lose in Waco. People who know me know I'm anything but a fashion plate. I don't get real excited about shopping for clothes, trying on clothes or cleaning out my closets to make room for new clothes. I work hard in a kitchen everyday and I haven't really cared what that looks like. So, I'm not real high maintenance and this is no big deal.
After standing in the rain in this city unknown to me waiting our turn, we entered the warehouse looking thrift store and started to peruse the racks of clothing. It was obvious this was going to be quite a task to find something that will fit and be appropriate for 102 degree temperatures, a rainy night or whatever would come our way. I had scored a pair of mens docker shorts and a big hockey t-shirt and a pair of shoes that even I had to admit, looked better that the ones I arrived in. Truth is, I didn't look a whole lot different when I came out than when I went in. This transition was much different for others in my group. Dell even invented a new style, the Manpries! When I saw the men return in their new duds I erupted with laughter and knew this was going to be quite a weekend. On the inside, I was apprehensive about sleeping out in the elements, getting food and trying not to be a burden to my group. I prayed that the rain wash away my insecurities and that I feel as brave as I was trying to portray.
We returned to Mission Waco and scoped out a place to spend the night. The group spread out sleeping bags on the sidewalk for us to sleep on and opened sleeping bags for covers. I was soggy and my heart heavy. That night under the bright open stars, street lights and trees I prayed that God give me strength to do this with a happy heart and gave thanks for my "new found" friends. After a somewhat restless night, I awoke on the sidewalk feeling that it would be a good day! My friends were gathered at a picnic table close by and I slowly joined them. We visited about our worries, apprehensions about what may follow the rest of the weekend. We also read the Word of God and prayed together. We talked about things we hoped we would learn. And again I secretly prayed that God allow me to continue my sense of humor throughout whatever came my way.
We could smell breakfast cooking but knew it was not for us. We would hold onto our small resources and see what came later.
As the day continued on, it became very hot. Summertime in south Texas can be a scorcher! We walked a lot. We were on a "hunt" for services, resources, food and water. The more we wandered, the more I yearned for MY shoes. These nicer looking shoes were not quite the right size for all this walking. My feet were very hot, tired and swollen.
We made attempts to talk to people who might could help us but were not very fortunate to receive help. We decided to sit on the steps of a church. Elia had said that surely our own people, Christians - Church goers, would help us. Traffic buzzed around that church but it appeared our group was invisible. No one offered a hand.
Two of the group went to a local business to ask for assistance. They returned with some cups of water to share with us. I have to say. At this point, I could feel my brain sizzling from the heat and lack of water. I had debated earlier in the morning whether or not to take my meds. But, thought what a luxury I had that real homeless persons may not have advantage of. Medications that I require on a daily basis. I went ahead and took them. Now, as I bake in the sun, I question if that was so wise on an empty stomach. Not to mention the fact that I felt parched and dehydrated. Needless to say, the cold water offered to me by my friends sounded heavenly! I put the water to my lips and oh my gosh! How refreshing! However, the minute that wave of water hit the pit of my stomach....I knew it was going to try to come right back up.
Did I mention, I had made my way to a row of trees on the side of this church dividing their yard and the neighboring bed and breakfast. I just laid there, wishing that the shade felt cooler. Inside, I was unsure that I could get up and go anywhere from here. On the outside, I pushed myself and told the group I would be fine.
Let's just go eat and it'll all be good. If I stay under these trees in the still heavy hot air much longer, it's likely I'm going to need help getting up. I sigh and say another pray under my breath. Beginning to wonder why I agreed to this adventure. Not to mention pissed off. I am very strong and can take care of myself and my friends, why is this happening? Why do I feel so bad?
Feeling rotten is not really foreign to me. I don't have a physical illness, but I do have a tendency to be a puker. I think it is an anxiety thing. IDK, but familiar to me nonetheless. However, that typically happens in the privacy of my own company, not shared openly.
ANYWAY...we decided to try a Mexican Food Restaurant across the road. We were becoming desperate. A guy from the group went in and when he returned he smiled and said come on in. Woo hoo!
Air! I could start to feel air circulating around and knew that everything was going to be alright. We sat at a table close to the facilities.
As I ordered a beverage I felt as if the world was closing in on me. Everything around me started to dim and spin... I excused myself from the table. I spent most of my time in the restroom. OK. Maybe it wasn't going to be alright.
I tried to pull it together and freshen up so I didn't appear so disheveled. I was embarrassed that I would be causing drama in this adventure.
When I returned to the table, my friends were discussing ways of getting me to a hospital. As I tried to convince them that I was fine, it was evident by my color - or lack of - that I was not. A Mexican Woman at the restaurant asked if I was ok and had a brief conversation with my Spanish speaking friends. She returned with a sparkling mineral water in a freezing beer mug with salt around the rim. She told me that if I could get it down, I would be much better soon. I slowly sipped on this beverage and began to feel somewhat human again in the next 15-30 minutes. I was so grateful for this woman and her remedy, as well as my group that was concerned for my health and very patient with me.
As the evening went on, I continued to feel better and better. I also was able to eat a small meal of rice and tea before night fall.
The following day would be Sunday. The final day of the simulation. As a group, it was obvious that we were each having our own feelings/experience at "summer camp". We had a brief assembly of all the participants in this simulation and were given directions to walk 20 blocks to church. The name of the church is Church Under The Bridge. We are given a brief description of what this may look like.
We strike out walking. I'm glad it's morning because the heat from yesterday will return. I feel a curiosity about this "church". I feel excited about the experience. We walk through a city that is unfamiliar to me and as I admire the architecterual structures and wonder about the history of such fine buildings, I am grateful that I am not on this journey alone. Glad to have people that are good with directions, people that pay attention to surroundings, people that make me feel safe.
The sun is starting to heat up and I can feel blisters starting to pop up on my toes and the top of my feet. My anticipation is also rising. Then we see the bridge. Underneath I-35 and 4th Street, is a gathering of folks seeking to praise and worship God. There is a lunch provided before the service. Then, in folding chairs lined before a trailer pulled by a pickup, people assemble to sing and lift their hearts up to the Lord.
As I stepped up on the curb my heart leapt with joy. I was mesmerized and think I just sat back to soak it all in. I found myself unable to remain still or quiet. With arms outstretched and love in my heart, I felt a connection to God and Him in each one of the people around me. I praised "like no one was watching". It was absolutely beautiful to me and I felt FrEe!
I can only speak for myself. But let me just say, I told Pastor Jimmy Dorrell later that I had been looking for that place all my life. He laughed and replied, Me too.
Church Under the Bridge is said to be an ordinary church made holy by his presence. Black, white, brown, rich and poor, educated in the streets and in the university, all worshipping the living God, who makes us one. As tears streamed down my face and a joy in my heart, my experience there was anything but ordinary.
I reflect now and I know that I am a much better person for having this experience. I was reminded how important it is to value one another and treat others as you would like to be treated. I was once again reminded that my time frame is not necessarily God's timeframe. I wanted to portray myself as healthy and tough. The truth was, I was the weakest link in the group. I HAD to allow my "team" to help me. I had physical symptoms that could not be hidden or ignored. I felt very transparent, weak and vulnerable.
While I knew I would not be hindered by the same level of hunger and poverty after Sunday, I also knew my heart would never be the same. I have historically been one to give of myself to others, I learned there that I need to also open myself up to receiving good and abundance in my life. We are ALL brothers and sisters made in the likeness of God. We are instructed to care for one another and share His word. I also discovered how very lonely I have been for quite a while. To connect with other people, helped me to feel alive and reconnected to my own self again. Oh the Goodness of the Lord!
Thank you Lord for "Opening the eyes of my Heart".
Sunday, December 29, 2013
She is Clothed with Strength and Dignity and She Laughs Without Fear of the Future
2013 is quickly coming to a close and I find myself reminiscing about the year and all that it has encompassed.
Many significant things have happened in my world in 2013. My best friend and neighbor for the past 5 years or so relocated out of state. That relationship has certainly morphed into another form that I no longer recognize. It has saddened me on many levels and has been up and down for me throughout the year. It is better this way. He is happy in Tennessee and is where I truly believe he is supposed to be. God knows better than us who should be in our lives.
2013 brought opportunities for meeting new people and reconnecting with people I've not seen in many years. Social media brought me in contact with a dear friend that I had not seen in over 7 or 8 years. We were college friends and resided in the same residence hall for the duration of our time at WTAMU.
She has brought a whole new realm of craziness to my world. I went to Waco, TX with her and 4 other professionals to participate in a homeless simulation. The rekindling of this relationship has been a wonderful thing in and of itself. Coupled with the experience of homelessness was life changing. Sounds dramatic, I know. But it was truly a blessed experience that forever changed me. I have had a lot to ponder since that experience. That was in the summer. Then, in the fall, God called Elia and me back to Waco. We attended a faith based conference on empowering the poor and marginalized in the fall. So unexpectedly, God grabbed a hold of me there and shook me to the core. I was sitting in this conference among so many caring and loving children of God listening to a simple group of three persons singing Jesus music. I began to feel anxious and uncomfortable with my surroundings. I started to scan the room for the closest exit. I was moved to tears and do not even know why. I was so overwhelmed and tears just began to flow. I began to pray that God just hold me and let this pass. I was embarrassed by the tears that seem to flow so much easier these days than ever before. I learned so much about other people are doing in an effort to love their neighbor. I was set on ablaze during both of these adventures. I'm not sure what it is that God wants me to do next, but I will try to be a good and faithful servant and follow His direction.
My daughter turned 15 just a couple of short weeks ago. She started high school this year and things are changing so quickly. She is such a joy to me. Thinking about how funny, smart, mature, caring and quirky she can be brings a smile to my face. I am so grateful that God is in her heart and has helped her thus far. I have not been the model mom that I had hoped to be, in fact I have been very absent and preoccupied with my own feelings at times. I know God has a hand in shaping her in spite of who her mom is. I love this kid more than life itself and can hardly wait to see what God has in store for her future.
2013 brought financial struggles that I was not sure I could survive. I have paid a great deal of money in late fees, interest rates and penalties. I have been just days from closing my business. I struggle with knowing what to do with all of that. After much prayer and investigating options, I cashed in my retirement from my state employment. I have paid all my business debts and have a small cushion in the bank to operate with. It feels fantastic to start the new year debt free in my business. My business has not ever really paid me and I feel an urgency to make it work better for our family finances. Now, keep in mind, I say make it work, but have been open for 6 1/2 years. I have only survived, not being able to rely on income from this venture for our sole income. I truly enjoy what I do and hope that people feel happy and loved there. It is my hope that people receive nourishment there. Not just from the food, but that the atmosphere is inviting and safe for all people. I worry if this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do. Survival has been my mode for the past several years. I am ready to thrive now.
In highlighting the major occurrences in 2013, I have to mention the fact that I am no longer a smoker or a drunk. I picked April 1st as an appropriate day to stop those vices. I have discovered that I can have a drink or two without getting hammered. I have also discovered that I do not have to have alcohol to have a good time. This has been very freeing to me.
Now, that is not to say that I am perfect. I am anything but perfect. But these are huge steps in the right direction. In this healing process, I had to admit out loud to some people that I had problems. The problems were bigger than me and I was drowning. I have made apologies and forgave my own self. Fortunately for me, my God is bigger than those problems and I feel very hope filled. The healing has started within my family and I hope that I can continue to be a healthy part of this wonderful group.
After becoming aware of my addictions and having the courage to admit them and face them head on, I have learned to have less fear. I feel that I have had many instances in my life where I have had to be very brave and courageous. I am no longer fearful of the small things.
In a quest to grow without fear, I have gone zip lining, experienced homelessness, spoke to groups about my homeless experience and about God's desire for us to love one another, I have started reading God's word at Mass, I have made friends, I have straightened out my priorities and am striving to be a much better parent and I have learned to leave things/people behind that are not in my best interest. I have also learned to cry and just let it happen when it comes.
I'm not big on new years resolutions. I have never been. It may be because I have a tendency to not follow through with things. It could be that I am a procrastinator. I'll set a goal to start January 1, however I may not get to it until summer. It may be because I have a tough time setting goals. Historically, when I've set goals, a force stronger than me changes
circumstances that seem to crush the current goal. Having said these things, I realize that I am often the biggest obstacle to my own growth and success. So, in the upcoming new year I will strive to get out of my own way. I will continue to pray that God guide my steps and that He use me in whatever way He sees appropriate.
Rather than big resolutions being made for 2014, I hope to build on the positives from this year.
I am beyond excited to see where God takes Elia and I in serving others. I am learning to live intentionally. I am learning to love more freely. I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and to allow others to help me. I would like to become a smarter giver. I intend to nurture and care for myself. I will watch what I allow in my life and how I allow other people to treat me. I have learned to stop using negative comments towards myself. I will worry less and want less material things. I will learn new things daily. I have a desire to spread hope and love as far as I possibly can. I will practice moderation and meditation. I will be encouraging to others and show people value.
I hope to write a book, although I don't know about what.
I hope to acquire reliable transportation and travel more.
I hope to travel abroad and experience many new things.
I'm not sure if 2014 is ready for me or not. But I am very ready for it and am certain it will be a blessed, joyful and hope filled year. I have faith that God will provide. Look out, I'm ready to make some noise!
Lord, please direct my footsteps and use me as you see fit. Please help me to love others freely without expectation. I pray that I will be encouragement for others, to be a good example of your love. I also pray that I will allow others into my life and accept what they may offer. I am grateful for all you have given me this year and all that I have. May 2014 bring much peace and goodness throughout the world. Amen
Many significant things have happened in my world in 2013. My best friend and neighbor for the past 5 years or so relocated out of state. That relationship has certainly morphed into another form that I no longer recognize. It has saddened me on many levels and has been up and down for me throughout the year. It is better this way. He is happy in Tennessee and is where I truly believe he is supposed to be. God knows better than us who should be in our lives.
2013 brought opportunities for meeting new people and reconnecting with people I've not seen in many years. Social media brought me in contact with a dear friend that I had not seen in over 7 or 8 years. We were college friends and resided in the same residence hall for the duration of our time at WTAMU.
She has brought a whole new realm of craziness to my world. I went to Waco, TX with her and 4 other professionals to participate in a homeless simulation. The rekindling of this relationship has been a wonderful thing in and of itself. Coupled with the experience of homelessness was life changing. Sounds dramatic, I know. But it was truly a blessed experience that forever changed me. I have had a lot to ponder since that experience. That was in the summer. Then, in the fall, God called Elia and me back to Waco. We attended a faith based conference on empowering the poor and marginalized in the fall. So unexpectedly, God grabbed a hold of me there and shook me to the core. I was sitting in this conference among so many caring and loving children of God listening to a simple group of three persons singing Jesus music. I began to feel anxious and uncomfortable with my surroundings. I started to scan the room for the closest exit. I was moved to tears and do not even know why. I was so overwhelmed and tears just began to flow. I began to pray that God just hold me and let this pass. I was embarrassed by the tears that seem to flow so much easier these days than ever before. I learned so much about other people are doing in an effort to love their neighbor. I was set on ablaze during both of these adventures. I'm not sure what it is that God wants me to do next, but I will try to be a good and faithful servant and follow His direction.
My daughter turned 15 just a couple of short weeks ago. She started high school this year and things are changing so quickly. She is such a joy to me. Thinking about how funny, smart, mature, caring and quirky she can be brings a smile to my face. I am so grateful that God is in her heart and has helped her thus far. I have not been the model mom that I had hoped to be, in fact I have been very absent and preoccupied with my own feelings at times. I know God has a hand in shaping her in spite of who her mom is. I love this kid more than life itself and can hardly wait to see what God has in store for her future.
2013 brought financial struggles that I was not sure I could survive. I have paid a great deal of money in late fees, interest rates and penalties. I have been just days from closing my business. I struggle with knowing what to do with all of that. After much prayer and investigating options, I cashed in my retirement from my state employment. I have paid all my business debts and have a small cushion in the bank to operate with. It feels fantastic to start the new year debt free in my business. My business has not ever really paid me and I feel an urgency to make it work better for our family finances. Now, keep in mind, I say make it work, but have been open for 6 1/2 years. I have only survived, not being able to rely on income from this venture for our sole income. I truly enjoy what I do and hope that people feel happy and loved there. It is my hope that people receive nourishment there. Not just from the food, but that the atmosphere is inviting and safe for all people. I worry if this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do. Survival has been my mode for the past several years. I am ready to thrive now.
In highlighting the major occurrences in 2013, I have to mention the fact that I am no longer a smoker or a drunk. I picked April 1st as an appropriate day to stop those vices. I have discovered that I can have a drink or two without getting hammered. I have also discovered that I do not have to have alcohol to have a good time. This has been very freeing to me.
Now, that is not to say that I am perfect. I am anything but perfect. But these are huge steps in the right direction. In this healing process, I had to admit out loud to some people that I had problems. The problems were bigger than me and I was drowning. I have made apologies and forgave my own self. Fortunately for me, my God is bigger than those problems and I feel very hope filled. The healing has started within my family and I hope that I can continue to be a healthy part of this wonderful group.
After becoming aware of my addictions and having the courage to admit them and face them head on, I have learned to have less fear. I feel that I have had many instances in my life where I have had to be very brave and courageous. I am no longer fearful of the small things.
In a quest to grow without fear, I have gone zip lining, experienced homelessness, spoke to groups about my homeless experience and about God's desire for us to love one another, I have started reading God's word at Mass, I have made friends, I have straightened out my priorities and am striving to be a much better parent and I have learned to leave things/people behind that are not in my best interest. I have also learned to cry and just let it happen when it comes.
I'm not big on new years resolutions. I have never been. It may be because I have a tendency to not follow through with things. It could be that I am a procrastinator. I'll set a goal to start January 1, however I may not get to it until summer. It may be because I have a tough time setting goals. Historically, when I've set goals, a force stronger than me changes
circumstances that seem to crush the current goal. Having said these things, I realize that I am often the biggest obstacle to my own growth and success. So, in the upcoming new year I will strive to get out of my own way. I will continue to pray that God guide my steps and that He use me in whatever way He sees appropriate.
Rather than big resolutions being made for 2014, I hope to build on the positives from this year.
I am beyond excited to see where God takes Elia and I in serving others. I am learning to live intentionally. I am learning to love more freely. I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and to allow others to help me. I would like to become a smarter giver. I intend to nurture and care for myself. I will watch what I allow in my life and how I allow other people to treat me. I have learned to stop using negative comments towards myself. I will worry less and want less material things. I will learn new things daily. I have a desire to spread hope and love as far as I possibly can. I will practice moderation and meditation. I will be encouraging to others and show people value.
I hope to write a book, although I don't know about what.
I hope to acquire reliable transportation and travel more.
I hope to travel abroad and experience many new things.
I'm not sure if 2014 is ready for me or not. But I am very ready for it and am certain it will be a blessed, joyful and hope filled year. I have faith that God will provide. Look out, I'm ready to make some noise!
Lord, please direct my footsteps and use me as you see fit. Please help me to love others freely without expectation. I pray that I will be encouragement for others, to be a good example of your love. I also pray that I will allow others into my life and accept what they may offer. I am grateful for all you have given me this year and all that I have. May 2014 bring much peace and goodness throughout the world. Amen
Monday, November 25, 2013
Blest Beyond Belief
Being how this is Thanksgiving week I thought I would reflect on a couple of the things I am most grateful for this year.
Friendship
Friendship has become a very important part of my life. I mean friendship is always something special but it is not something I have often sought out. I have always been quite a shy person, way introverted. Mostly an observer of people rather than a participant in friendships. A loner or sorts, the odd one. Seems people always leave. They leave for various reasons. They move away geographically, they die or they simply don't want to be in my life anymore. I know that is shocking to believe, but yes, it's true - some people simply don't appreciate me.
Once they are gone, the relationship simply is over or is unrecognizable as it's previous form. It's painful to lose people you love. Is it worth the pain? My answer today is yes. I am grateful that I have a handful of people that I truly consider my friends. They are mostly strong faithful women whom I learn from daily and love as my sisters. I can hardly wait to see what God has planned for some newly developed as well as old rekindled friendships.
Everyone needs friends in their life. Genuine relationships that make us better simply by knowing one another. That cannot be replaced by anything. Embrace your friendships.
Family
I am grateful for family. My daughter has often asked, "Mom, why can't we just be like a normal family? Why can't we (fill in the blank) like real families?" Well, not all families look the same. It is the two of us in our home. We have no pets and visitors are a rarity. This scene does not at all reflect the childhood family I experienced. However, I love my daughter so much and would give my life for her. We are a real and true family.
I am grateful my parents are close by. It is tough to watch them aging and ailing but I must remind myself that it is also a gift that many people do not get to experience.
I am beyond excited for my sister and brother-in-law to be expecting a baby in a few short months. I hope to be a positive and loving part of his life. Our family has experienced some difficulties within the dynamics and relationships of us all. I have poured out my soul in the past year with confessions, admissions, apologies, tears and a promise to change things to these family members. It is slow healing for them, and my desire is that they will come around. I am grateful for them all.
My Health
It is so odd now to think that there have been many times in my life that I wanted to die. I just wanted to go away. Not be a burden to anyone. Not be a convenience to anyone. Just simply not be. I felt insignificant and lonely. I felt invisible. I did not take care of myself. That was not a priority at all.
It makes my liver quiver now to think of the alcohol binging and consumption over the years. I was a smoker. I smoked cigarettes off and on for many years. My weight has significantly fluctuated over the years. I made a choice to take better care of myself. I quit smoking April 1st and alcohol consumption just isn't even really an issue. I went to therapy and started to get focused, motivated and ambitious. I am now at an all time high weight. I know that I will take steps to get healthier each and every day.
All test results this year have indicated that I am the healthiest I have been in a very long time. I am so grateful. One of my dear friends, who is 90 years old, told me that if a person is healthy they are very wealthy. For without your health, nothing else matters. I watch people struggle daily with major health issues and it is heart breaking. I will strive to bring peace and joy to those in pain, physical or spiritual. I am so grateful for my health and for every breath I take.
Forgiveness
I am grateful for forgiveness. The peace that comes from forgiving others that have wronged me is extraordinary. I have been able to forgive others by realizing that we are all simply humans. We are all the same. It does not matter what color, race, gender, religion or lack of, beliefs, education, finances, disabilities... The list goes on and on. None of those things matter. We were created in the likeness of God who loves us all the same and teaches us to love one another by his example. People make mistakes. People often cause injury to one another, many times with realizing the impact on others.
God forgives us daily for our sins. Do you know how huge that is?? We are forgiven! We get another chance to try to get it right.
It is in my failings that I learn to do better. Forgiving myself and knowing now that when I know better, I do better has released chains that had me bound in ways unimaginable.
God has brought me so far in the past couple of years and for that I am most grateful. I am excited to see where this all goes from here. I will continue to strive to be a strong, courageous and faithful servant.
These are only a tip of the iceberg of things I am truly thankful for. Thank you Lord for your many blessings bestowed upon me in my life. Thank you for showing me the light within myself to escape the darkness I stumbled in for so long. Thank you for using me in ways you see fit to live out your word. May we continue to recognize our blessings and forever sing praise and thanks for the gifts we receive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)