Persistence

Six months into 2014 and can I just say, "Whew! Breathe!"  The first of this year I blogged about my intentions for the upcoming year and some of the hopes I had for myself, my family and my business.

I remember feeling so renewed. I had gotten current on some back debt and was so hopeful what this new year would bring. I went "all in" and decided it's all or nothing.  This is what I want to do - my passion is here, I think I'm good at it and I want to succeed.  I told Bruce to just trust me.  That was seven years ago and now it was time for me to trust myself.

I cut back every possible expense I could.  I sat down and sifted through numbers.  I referenced my Opening a Restaurant for Dummies Book that I read when I opened.  I prayed.  I talked to friends about some ideas.  I worked my ass off everyday.  I prayed.  I cashed in my retirement.  I worked.  I prayed.  I branched out.  Went from I don't cater to catering a party of 400.  I prayed.  I cried.  I worked.  I prayed. 

No matter what I did, I felt I was sinking deeper and deeper in debt.  Some crazy things happened.  I cried.  I laughed.  I prayed some more.  Some amazing things happened.  I cried.  I worked.  I prayed. 

I saw some things with my own eyes.  I opened  them wide.  I needed to take control.  I cleaned house and some people had to leave my world.  I sat up and said, hey, it may not look like much to you, but I have worked my ass off for what I've got and I will not tolerate people disrespecting my house or me in my house.  I will not tolerate people being mean or hurtful.  I began to respect myself again and took pride in what I have. 

I realized that instead of wanting something different from what I have, I should make the very best of what I've got.  I began to nurture myself, my business, my relationship with my daughter and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks of me or what I do. 

It was so empowering.  I continued to work.  Did I mention I prayed? 

Just when I thought I might survive, a representative from the State Comptrollers office showed up at my doorstep, badge in hand, to collect $2000 in back taxes or take my license, close me down and begin seizure of my property. 

Was this the end of this chapter for me?  Was God answering a prayer for me?  This is not the answer I was looking for.  I went all in.  How could this happen?? 
A blessing in disguise, I had just recently received an income tax refund and put it in my savings account.  We were accumulating some medical bills at our house and I was trying to be responsible.  In this moment, I decided to go to the bank, withdraw the very last of what I had and stay open. 

The emotions that consumed me were so strong. 
I felt threatened.  I felt sorrow.  I was pissed.  I felt so alone in the world.  I was scared.  I was overwhelmed.  I felt conquered. 

It didn't matter that I could pay her at that time, it was inevitable that I would fail, just walk away now.  Hard work does not pay off.  What was I thinking?  Why did I believe in myself?  Silly girl.

Did I mention that this all happened about 10:45, we open at 11.  I stood in the kitchen with my best friend and felt defeated, sad, scared and overwhelmed.  Lunch was ready.  I had paid the woman, she had marked all the bills and went on her way.  It was 11:05 and I was ready to throw the towel in, crawl in a corner and forget this day.  I texted a friend in an attempt to stay focused.  She said I should be thankful I had the resources and make some changes to ensure that I have the funds taken care of appropriately.  My dear friend standing in my kitchen, said, look I know you're freaked out.  It's either fight or flight.  I looked at her feeling more defeated than I can remember, and she said she's always been a fighter.

DING! DING! DING!  Pull up your big girl panties and let's do this. It was a crazy busy day, just as the few days before had been. We opened and pulled it off.  I felt exhausted at the end of lunch and made a call to my therapist.  He reminded me that this setback did not take away from the progress I had made and was making.  I was fortunate to have the resources and he encouraged me to keep up the good work.
I cried some more and then decided to get over myself.  Either keep working or stop.  I decided to continue on this awesome, crazy path I'm on. 
That was only one short month ago.  I feel the scales have finally begun to tip in my favor.  I have finally gone about a week without phone calls to collect or disconnect me from services.  I am almost current and my sales are increasing.  I am so hopeful.  I believe I can do this.  I just celebrated seven years of business and I am excited about the future.  I will thrive!

Lord, I give you thanks and praise for all the gifts in my life. May I use them to celebrate and share your love for all. 


Note* I wrote this two months ago and didn't have the nerve to put it out there. 
Update:  I continue to work hard and have faith that all will be good.  I continue to believe that my place is a blessing to many people and I take pride it that.  I continue to be incredibly busy and blessed daily.  I'm not boasting, just saying.  Thank you, Lord for all the blessings you continue to bestow on me.  I am learning creativity, I am learning trust, I am learning to listen to my own instincts and rely on no one in this world, I have learned how to multitask to the nth degree. I have and continue to strengthen my faith in God.  I am ready to thrive.