So. I have tried numerous times to blog about a significant event for me that occurred this past July. It has been 2 short months since I took a road trip to Waco TX with 5 other individuals. I haven't been able to process that whole experience yet. This is my first attempt to actually start typing. I guess we'll see where it take us!
I am on facebook. I have been quite surprised by my interest in this social network. I am not the most social person ever, however I am very interested and intrigued by people. I believe this is a fun app where I find myself expressing myself with quotes, pictures, cartoons, etc. It has been fun to reconnect with people I haven't seen for a while and to stay connected with family and friends. I have always had a fascination with the human race and have the habit of observing others. For me, watching others is the best way to learn.
When I had the desire to be a social worker, I did college internship with the Maternity and Adoption Unit of Catholic Family Services as well as the Financial Services Area of the same agency. I learned from other caseworkers. I learned from the clients. I learned by watching. I learned by listening. I learned by asking questions. I learned by doing.
When I decided to open a restaurant, I watched TV shows where people cooked. I had watched my grandmothers and my dad cook all my life and saw the happiness it brought them as well as those they served. I had a previous restaurateur come show me how he ran things. He commented that if he was planning to rob a bank, I would be someone he would be afraid of. He said he could see me soaking in every bit of what he was showing me. I felt it was the best way to learn what would work.
I also feel I should preface this story with the fact that I have been on a journey of self discovery for the past couple of years. The summer of 2012 had been life changing as well. I participated in an ACTS retreat and God dropped some people in my lap that I wasn't sure what to do with. Turns out He gave me new perspective and new friendship in what He threw in my path. I was so changed and in such a tail spin for the next year. I have learned a lot about myself and renewed my personal relationship with God. I had made a decision to kind of lay low and stay mostly to myself and my daughter. A time to get reacquainted with myself and find the true me. The me God created and maybe even the me God created me to become. I was feeling adventurous.
Then one day on facebook, I see a friend of mine has posted that she will be participating in a poverty simulation in Waco, TX in a couple of weeks. I comment that I would like to go and next thing I know, she replies that she and 4 other professionals would be traveling and they had room for one more. Now, Elia is a friend I met in college 25 years ago. We had recently reconnected on facebook. It also seems she is working on a book and wanted me to look at some things, so we had communicated recently. But I had not seen her in about 6 or 7 years. I am not considered a professional in the service community, not sure this is the group for me. Hmmm...I thought about it overnight.
The next day, I texted Elia and asked if she seriously had an opening and what did I need to do to get signed up. She told me it would cost $60 and travel to Amarillo. I would go with the others to Waco from there. I told her I was in!
I thought it was a chance of a lifetime to learn what true poverty and/or homelessness was actually like. I have worked with the poor on different levels. Hell, I am poor! I have been interested in the human race and serving one another as God has taught us. This would be a great experience to learn more about what homelessness is like on a daily basis. I'm tough. I'll go and it will be good to see Elia. I'm down for it! I've been looking for like minded people in my lonely world. I'll give it a try. Sign me up!
Within a few days, I could feel the anticipation increasing. I looked up the website missionwaco.org to try to learn more about what I was really signed up for. Naturally this is a Christian based group, I mean they are dealing with the poor. I feel comfy with this concept and I start to get nervous. Then, I received an email from Elia. She is addressing our "Team" with the names and phone numbers of the people going as well as an itinerary. There I was. Listed at the bottom of team members, all of which had their job title and place of employment or Church affiliation, was my name. We are Team Waco. I continue reading... Dalhart Community Lifechanger. Woah! Wait just a minute! A LIFECHANGER, really??? What was I getting myself into?
It sounded like this may be more of an adventure than I had bargained for. Was I going to learn so much that I would return a LIFECHANGER? Would it really be so powerful that it might change MY life? Would it be possible that I would become a lifechanger for someone else? I don't know about all that! I told myself, just be open to learning something new. That is just a label Elia has used. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. People use labels all the time.
Keep an open mind. Now, it's the night before the trip. It seems I am supposed to do this. Really feels like it is Gods will. I am nervous and apprehensive yet so excited. What does one pack to be homeless?
The reaction I had received from friends and family was interesting. My daughter and I joked about the fact that people would probably totally think I was homeless because of how I dress all the time. My dear friend at work, asked me to leave my shoes there because they totally look like "homeless" shoes. While I was excited, people thought I had lost my mind and wondered why I would do such a thing. Especially if I didn't have to. It's not a job requirement. I don't need the college credit. I already have a bachelors degree, this isn't going to further my education that much. I just felt it was something in my path of self discovery I needed to do. My attitude was very positive and I was excited. I would be traveling with new people to a city I've never seen. It's already a good thing. I can hardly wait until the weekend is over to see what other good things come my way.
Lord please help me keep an open mind about this experience. Please open my eyes and heart to see what I need to see there. Please watch over me as I awkwardly join these professional service providers in this journey of the unknown. Please work through me Lord Jesus Christ, to be an instrument of your love and peace. Thank you for the opportunity to learn something new.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
About to BuRsT!!!!!!
I haven't posted a blog for about a year.
It seems at that time, I was beginning to catch glimpses of me. I had realized some positive qualities in myself. I was excited about the prospects of where I could really be in this life. I had hopes of things to come.
So, here we are a year later. Where am I now? Whew! I'm not really even sure where to start. All I really know is I'm about to BuRsT!!! I have learned some things that I just can't be quiet about. I am so hopeful! I feel that I need to make some noise.
I have put a lot of time into ME within the past 12 months. I have showed a lot of ugly. I have faced truths. I have cried. I have left things behind...on purpose. I made a decision to make things better for my family. I have been very lost. I have been in a very dark place. I have not loved myself. I have not respected myself. I have not been honest.
When it's dark and your lost, it causes confusion. Sometimes you don't even know how you are surviving, much less contributing anything to anyone else.
Within this time frame I was extremely loud and wordy to a few dear people. One dear woman, Teresa, had me drop in on her world via God. She listened to me. She listened everyday, it seems I have had a lot to say. She made a point to know me, truly know me. She is the first person I have ever, in my entire life been very real with. Excruciatingly honest about myself, inside and out. She tried to love me and was very generous in her actions and I, being the stubborn person I am, rejected every bit of it. Rejected it, but didn't go away. Was drawn to it, but didn't know what to do with it. I took up so much of her time every day for a very long time! Ranted, cried, yelled, laughed, cried some more - all in texts every day. I'm not sure how she has put up with me as long as she has. Except for the fact that she has prayed for me and allowed God to work through her.
At some point, she told me NO! (Well, a couple of times she told me NO! Haha) Once on retreat, she said No! You cannot keep on this way, you need help. And offered help. Hmmmm...
And then a year or year and a half later, again, she said No! You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results. No! Unless you make changes, you got to quit contacting me.
Woah! I was totally blown away. I'm not a bad person. Why would you ask me to leave your world? I found safety and love there, please don't ask me to leave. I know you have a ton on your plate, especially with your loved ones relocation of out the country. In my egotistical mind, I was a good diversion for you as well. And really? You've had it?
Of course she had had it! I had been disrespectful, stubborn, under the influence, angry... I had long worn out my welcome. I don't know what it was that I couldn't stop it...the noise in my mind was so overwhelming I had to yell it! I was undergoing major transition in my life, I could feel it! A lot of it was so painful!! I couldn't let go of everything all at once! This was going to take some time. I felt so alone! I felt so lost. Teresa reminded me that I wasn't alone, God is there the whole time.
I sought out more help. I started therapy. Which I hope is not embarrassing to anyone, it's not to me. Sometimes, a person just needs help. Help from someone who knows about that stuff. I leaned on some friends pretty hard. I tried to share my blog with a few people, seemingly random people, I'll admit. I have quite a diverse group of people I call friends. I found courage to face some truths and admit some mistakes along with those truths to those most close to me. Tough stuff, I tell ya!
Realizing that how I looked at situations could change how I feel about them, things started to settle down. I made major changes. I truly turned to God. Holy Thursday I went before the crucifix and as I wept I told God that I has placing my total trust and faith in Him, I was laying my frailties at His feet and asking for forgiveness.
I grabbed a hold of some addictions that I simply could not shake before, I faced them. I mustered up the courage to admit my faults and fight those damn dragons for once and for all! I have cried a lot of tears ( I know, cry me a river :) ) - but seriously, have cried a lot of tears. I didn't know what to do with everything I had bottled up for so many years. I sure don't recommend it. But it is so freeing to face it, ask God for forgiveness, allow yourself to be loved and love other people. It is very lonely in that dark place. It is much better with the light on.
I made a decision to just be still for a bit. I was so embarrassed about having gone too far in relationships with friends and running people away. I needed to just be still for a minute. Don't seek anything out. Love my daughter and take care of her needs. Go to work and continue to try to succeed there. Take care of myself. But be quiet for a bit.
I did a lot of reflecting when I got quiet. I prayed. I read. I reconnected with positive people. I continued to participate in worship. I tried to reach out, often in my awkwardness, to people that I believed were like-minded. I became less afraid and more confident. I can feel God at work in my life and can see Him all around me. I'm AWAKE! and it is AMAZING! I am far from perfect but I have love in my heart. I am no longer angry. I see blessings everywhere and for that I'm grateful. It is my hope that people will see Christ in me and want to do good things for one another. There are so many social issues that I personally understand and feel strongly about. Some I want to learn more about. I am not sure where God is directing me next, but I'm excited to see it unravel. I want to live! I want to fully experience what God has planned for me.
Thank you for the wonderful gifts you have placed in my life Lord. I am so blessed by the people you put in my life on a daily basis. I am grateful for your Perfect love and example of how to love. May I be a friend to the friendless and remind others of your love as well.
#Godhasaplan #Ifeelitsperfect #hopefilled
It seems at that time, I was beginning to catch glimpses of me. I had realized some positive qualities in myself. I was excited about the prospects of where I could really be in this life. I had hopes of things to come.
So, here we are a year later. Where am I now? Whew! I'm not really even sure where to start. All I really know is I'm about to BuRsT!!! I have learned some things that I just can't be quiet about. I am so hopeful! I feel that I need to make some noise.
I have put a lot of time into ME within the past 12 months. I have showed a lot of ugly. I have faced truths. I have cried. I have left things behind...on purpose. I made a decision to make things better for my family. I have been very lost. I have been in a very dark place. I have not loved myself. I have not respected myself. I have not been honest.
When it's dark and your lost, it causes confusion. Sometimes you don't even know how you are surviving, much less contributing anything to anyone else.
Within this time frame I was extremely loud and wordy to a few dear people. One dear woman, Teresa, had me drop in on her world via God. She listened to me. She listened everyday, it seems I have had a lot to say. She made a point to know me, truly know me. She is the first person I have ever, in my entire life been very real with. Excruciatingly honest about myself, inside and out. She tried to love me and was very generous in her actions and I, being the stubborn person I am, rejected every bit of it. Rejected it, but didn't go away. Was drawn to it, but didn't know what to do with it. I took up so much of her time every day for a very long time! Ranted, cried, yelled, laughed, cried some more - all in texts every day. I'm not sure how she has put up with me as long as she has. Except for the fact that she has prayed for me and allowed God to work through her.
At some point, she told me NO! (Well, a couple of times she told me NO! Haha) Once on retreat, she said No! You cannot keep on this way, you need help. And offered help. Hmmmm...
And then a year or year and a half later, again, she said No! You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results. No! Unless you make changes, you got to quit contacting me.
Woah! I was totally blown away. I'm not a bad person. Why would you ask me to leave your world? I found safety and love there, please don't ask me to leave. I know you have a ton on your plate, especially with your loved ones relocation of out the country. In my egotistical mind, I was a good diversion for you as well. And really? You've had it?
Of course she had had it! I had been disrespectful, stubborn, under the influence, angry... I had long worn out my welcome. I don't know what it was that I couldn't stop it...the noise in my mind was so overwhelming I had to yell it! I was undergoing major transition in my life, I could feel it! A lot of it was so painful!! I couldn't let go of everything all at once! This was going to take some time. I felt so alone! I felt so lost. Teresa reminded me that I wasn't alone, God is there the whole time.
I sought out more help. I started therapy. Which I hope is not embarrassing to anyone, it's not to me. Sometimes, a person just needs help. Help from someone who knows about that stuff. I leaned on some friends pretty hard. I tried to share my blog with a few people, seemingly random people, I'll admit. I have quite a diverse group of people I call friends. I found courage to face some truths and admit some mistakes along with those truths to those most close to me. Tough stuff, I tell ya!
Realizing that how I looked at situations could change how I feel about them, things started to settle down. I made major changes. I truly turned to God. Holy Thursday I went before the crucifix and as I wept I told God that I has placing my total trust and faith in Him, I was laying my frailties at His feet and asking for forgiveness.
I grabbed a hold of some addictions that I simply could not shake before, I faced them. I mustered up the courage to admit my faults and fight those damn dragons for once and for all! I have cried a lot of tears ( I know, cry me a river :) ) - but seriously, have cried a lot of tears. I didn't know what to do with everything I had bottled up for so many years. I sure don't recommend it. But it is so freeing to face it, ask God for forgiveness, allow yourself to be loved and love other people. It is very lonely in that dark place. It is much better with the light on.
I made a decision to just be still for a bit. I was so embarrassed about having gone too far in relationships with friends and running people away. I needed to just be still for a minute. Don't seek anything out. Love my daughter and take care of her needs. Go to work and continue to try to succeed there. Take care of myself. But be quiet for a bit.
I did a lot of reflecting when I got quiet. I prayed. I read. I reconnected with positive people. I continued to participate in worship. I tried to reach out, often in my awkwardness, to people that I believed were like-minded. I became less afraid and more confident. I can feel God at work in my life and can see Him all around me. I'm AWAKE! and it is AMAZING! I am far from perfect but I have love in my heart. I am no longer angry. I see blessings everywhere and for that I'm grateful. It is my hope that people will see Christ in me and want to do good things for one another. There are so many social issues that I personally understand and feel strongly about. Some I want to learn more about. I am not sure where God is directing me next, but I'm excited to see it unravel. I want to live! I want to fully experience what God has planned for me.
Thank you for the wonderful gifts you have placed in my life Lord. I am so blessed by the people you put in my life on a daily basis. I am grateful for your Perfect love and example of how to love. May I be a friend to the friendless and remind others of your love as well.
#Godhasaplan #Ifeelitsperfect #hopefilled
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