Persistence

Six months into 2014 and can I just say, "Whew! Breathe!"  The first of this year I blogged about my intentions for the upcoming year and some of the hopes I had for myself, my family and my business.

I remember feeling so renewed. I had gotten current on some back debt and was so hopeful what this new year would bring. I went "all in" and decided it's all or nothing.  This is what I want to do - my passion is here, I think I'm good at it and I want to succeed.  I told Bruce to just trust me.  That was seven years ago and now it was time for me to trust myself.

I cut back every possible expense I could.  I sat down and sifted through numbers.  I referenced my Opening a Restaurant for Dummies Book that I read when I opened.  I prayed.  I talked to friends about some ideas.  I worked my ass off everyday.  I prayed.  I cashed in my retirement.  I worked.  I prayed.  I branched out.  Went from I don't cater to catering a party of 400.  I prayed.  I cried.  I worked.  I prayed. 

No matter what I did, I felt I was sinking deeper and deeper in debt.  Some crazy things happened.  I cried.  I laughed.  I prayed some more.  Some amazing things happened.  I cried.  I worked.  I prayed. 

I saw some things with my own eyes.  I opened  them wide.  I needed to take control.  I cleaned house and some people had to leave my world.  I sat up and said, hey, it may not look like much to you, but I have worked my ass off for what I've got and I will not tolerate people disrespecting my house or me in my house.  I will not tolerate people being mean or hurtful.  I began to respect myself again and took pride in what I have. 

I realized that instead of wanting something different from what I have, I should make the very best of what I've got.  I began to nurture myself, my business, my relationship with my daughter and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks of me or what I do. 

It was so empowering.  I continued to work.  Did I mention I prayed? 

Just when I thought I might survive, a representative from the State Comptrollers office showed up at my doorstep, badge in hand, to collect $2000 in back taxes or take my license, close me down and begin seizure of my property. 

Was this the end of this chapter for me?  Was God answering a prayer for me?  This is not the answer I was looking for.  I went all in.  How could this happen?? 
A blessing in disguise, I had just recently received an income tax refund and put it in my savings account.  We were accumulating some medical bills at our house and I was trying to be responsible.  In this moment, I decided to go to the bank, withdraw the very last of what I had and stay open. 

The emotions that consumed me were so strong. 
I felt threatened.  I felt sorrow.  I was pissed.  I felt so alone in the world.  I was scared.  I was overwhelmed.  I felt conquered. 

It didn't matter that I could pay her at that time, it was inevitable that I would fail, just walk away now.  Hard work does not pay off.  What was I thinking?  Why did I believe in myself?  Silly girl.

Did I mention that this all happened about 10:45, we open at 11.  I stood in the kitchen with my best friend and felt defeated, sad, scared and overwhelmed.  Lunch was ready.  I had paid the woman, she had marked all the bills and went on her way.  It was 11:05 and I was ready to throw the towel in, crawl in a corner and forget this day.  I texted a friend in an attempt to stay focused.  She said I should be thankful I had the resources and make some changes to ensure that I have the funds taken care of appropriately.  My dear friend standing in my kitchen, said, look I know you're freaked out.  It's either fight or flight.  I looked at her feeling more defeated than I can remember, and she said she's always been a fighter.

DING! DING! DING!  Pull up your big girl panties and let's do this. It was a crazy busy day, just as the few days before had been. We opened and pulled it off.  I felt exhausted at the end of lunch and made a call to my therapist.  He reminded me that this setback did not take away from the progress I had made and was making.  I was fortunate to have the resources and he encouraged me to keep up the good work.
I cried some more and then decided to get over myself.  Either keep working or stop.  I decided to continue on this awesome, crazy path I'm on. 
That was only one short month ago.  I feel the scales have finally begun to tip in my favor.  I have finally gone about a week without phone calls to collect or disconnect me from services.  I am almost current and my sales are increasing.  I am so hopeful.  I believe I can do this.  I just celebrated seven years of business and I am excited about the future.  I will thrive!

Lord, I give you thanks and praise for all the gifts in my life. May I use them to celebrate and share your love for all. 


Note* I wrote this two months ago and didn't have the nerve to put it out there. 
Update:  I continue to work hard and have faith that all will be good.  I continue to believe that my place is a blessing to many people and I take pride it that.  I continue to be incredibly busy and blessed daily.  I'm not boasting, just saying.  Thank you, Lord for all the blessings you continue to bestow on me.  I am learning creativity, I am learning trust, I am learning to listen to my own instincts and rely on no one in this world, I have learned how to multitask to the nth degree. I have and continue to strengthen my faith in God.  I am ready to thrive.

Homelessness


 I had been sick for about a week with some evil bug that really had me down. It was the middle of July and I was trying to hydrate and get better. I had plans to travel 8-10 hours from home to be homeless with a group of people I really did not know. 
 The one person I knew was Elia.  We became college friends about 25 years ago and sporadically saw one another in the following years.  I had not seen her in about 6 years but had reconnected through social media.  (All of that is a story in itself.) 

 With some reservation, I packed for a weekend of homelessness.  Participating in a poverty simulation. It was so weird to pack for.  I mean, what do you pack to be homeless?
 I rolled a blanket and towel together with a pillow and a small travel bag with a change of clothes, toothpaste and toothbrush.  I threw in a bar of soap and travel size shampoo, tied them together with a prayer and my cell phone cord and headed to meet the other 5 "Team Waco" members. 
 While I was glad to be getting reacquainted with an old college friend, I was  apprehensive about the weekend. There was a lot of unknowns about how this weekend would roll.  I tried to think of it as summer camp. But my heart already knew it would not be comparable.
 We made our introductions with one another in the Walmart parking lot and loaded up in a van to make the journey to Waco TX.  After a somewhat quiet drive we anxiously arrived at Mission Waco to participate in a poverty simulation, whatever that is, an hour early.  Great!  Now we get to stand around and assess the situation.  Growing increasingly anxious, I scan my surroundings and reassure myself that this will be like summer camp, it's Friday evening and I get to go home on Sunday.  Whatever comes my way will be totally fine.  No worries.
We are the only adult team to experience this lovely weekend, the other groups are children from large cities.  They were teenagers from church youth groups.  We stay as a team and are told to draw from a hat. Every member of the team will receive a small amount of "money" and can keep 4 items you packed.  It's the amount of money a mom with three children receiving assistance in the state of Texas would receive.  Cool!  We will have money to survive on and keep 4 items, no worries! Immediately I start to do an inventory in my head about what items I will keep.  What will help me and what will help the group? Then the instructor went on.
 Well, almost everyone would be allowed these "luxuries".  Everyone, EXCEPT the certain members holding the magic number from the hat.  That one person from each group is HOMELESS.  No money for you and you cannot keep a single thing you packed for the weekend. To no surprise to me, the homeless person in our group was me. 
I already felt somewhat like an outcast because I really did not know many from our group.  They all worked together as professionals in the same city and I was Elia's friend from small town Dalhart.  I was the one who got car sick and had to stop to puke on the side of the road.  I was the one who changed the seating arrangement in the van because riding shot gun may help my motion sickness.  Alright, why not be THAT person now.  Now, I'm homeless.  I'm totally dependent on my group for things that I might need.  I have nothing.  
I stand in my nothingness and wonder what it is I'm supposed to get from all this.
The other members of the group are given their money and there are instructions about what will cost what.  Immediately, without question the two females, Elia and Melanie hand me $10 off the top.  It was so automatic that they help.  They did not question anything.  The males were a bit more conservative.  It was implied that they would control their money and if I really needed it later or if they could later, they would.  Everyone in the group started to talk about what items they would keep from what they packed.  Everyone was very considerate about items we could all share or something I might need that they already had. I was so humbled and appreciative of the kindness my new found friends.  
At this point, it began to rain.  We were further stripped down by being told we were taking a trip to the thrift store for "new" duds.  It was gifted for me since I had nothing, the others had to pay for their new clothes.  Did I mention that your own shoes were considered an item?  I could not keep my own shoes. I laughed since before I left home, my shoes were mentioned as something I ought to lose in Waco.  People who know me know I'm anything but a fashion plate.  I don't get real excited about shopping for clothes, trying on clothes or cleaning out my closets to make room for new clothes.  I work hard in a kitchen everyday and I haven't really cared what that looks like. So, I'm not real high maintenance and this is no big deal.
After standing in the rain in this city unknown to me waiting our turn, we entered the warehouse looking thrift store and started to peruse the racks of clothing.  It was obvious this was going to be quite a task to find something that will fit and be appropriate for 102 degree temperatures, a rainy night or whatever would come our way. I had scored a pair of mens docker shorts and a big hockey t-shirt and a pair of shoes that even I had to admit, looked better that the ones I arrived in. Truth is, I didn't look a whole lot different when I came out than when I went in.  This transition was much different for others in my group. Dell even invented a new style, the Manpries!   When I saw the men return in their new duds I erupted with laughter and knew this was going to be quite a weekend.  On the inside, I was apprehensive about sleeping out in the elements, getting food and trying not to be a burden to my group.  I prayed that the rain wash away my insecurities and that I feel as brave as I was trying to portray. 
We returned to Mission Waco and scoped out a place to spend the night.  The group spread out sleeping bags on the sidewalk for us to sleep on and opened sleeping bags for covers.  I was soggy and my heart heavy.  That night under the bright open stars, street lights and trees I prayed that God give me strength to do this with a happy heart and gave thanks for my "new found" friends. After a somewhat restless night, I awoke on the sidewalk feeling that it would be a good day!  My friends were gathered at a picnic table close by and I slowly joined them.  We visited about our worries, apprehensions about what may follow the rest of the weekend.  We also read the Word of God and prayed together.  We talked about things we hoped we would learn.  And again I secretly prayed that God allow me to continue my sense of humor throughout whatever came my way. 
We could smell breakfast cooking but knew it was not for us.  We would hold onto our small resources and see what came later.
  As the day continued on, it became very hot.  Summertime in south Texas can be a scorcher!  We walked a lot.  We were on a "hunt" for services, resources, food and water.  The more we wandered, the more I yearned for MY shoes.  These nicer looking shoes were not quite the right size for all this walking.  My feet were very hot, tired and swollen. 
 We made attempts to talk to people who might could help us but were not very fortunate to receive help.  We decided to sit on the steps of a church.  Elia had said that surely our own people, Christians - Church goers, would help us.  Traffic buzzed around that church but it appeared our group was invisible.  No one offered a hand. 
 Two of the group went to a local business to ask for assistance.  They returned with some cups of water to share with us. I have to say. At this point, I could feel my brain sizzling from the heat and lack of water.  I had debated earlier in the morning whether or not to take my meds.  But, thought what a luxury I had that real homeless persons may not have advantage of.  Medications that I require on a daily basis.  I went ahead and took them.  Now, as I bake in the sun, I question if that was so wise on an empty stomach.  Not to mention the fact that I felt parched and dehydrated.   Needless to say, the cold water offered to me by my friends sounded heavenly!  I put the water to my lips and oh my gosh!  How refreshing!  However, the minute that wave of water hit the pit of my stomach....I knew it was going to try to come right back up.
  Did I mention, I had made my way to a row of trees on the side of this church dividing their yard and the neighboring bed and breakfast.  I just laid there, wishing that the shade felt cooler.  Inside, I was unsure that I could get up and go anywhere from here.  On the outside, I pushed myself and told the group I would be fine. 
Let's just go eat and it'll all be good.  If I stay under these trees in the still heavy hot air much longer, it's likely I'm going to need help getting up.  I sigh and say another pray under my breath.  Beginning to wonder why I agreed to this adventure.  Not to mention pissed off.  I am very strong and can take care of myself and my friends, why is this happening?  Why do I feel so bad?
Feeling rotten is not really foreign to me.  I don't have a physical illness, but I do have a tendency to be a puker.  I think it is an anxiety thing.  IDK, but familiar to me nonetheless.  However, that typically happens in the privacy of my own company, not shared openly.
ANYWAY...we decided to try a Mexican Food Restaurant across the road.  We were becoming desperate.  A guy from the group went in and when he returned he smiled and said come on in.  Woo hoo! 
  Air!  I could start to feel air circulating around and knew that everything was going to be alright.  We sat at a table close to the facilities. 
 As I ordered a beverage I felt as if the world was closing in on me.  Everything around me started to dim and spin... I excused myself from the table.  I spent most of my time in the restroom.  OK.  Maybe it wasn't going to be alright. 
I  tried to pull it together and freshen up so I didn't appear so disheveled. I was embarrassed that I would be causing drama in this adventure.   
 When I returned to the table, my friends were discussing ways of getting me to a hospital.  As I tried to convince them that I was fine, it was evident by my color - or lack of - that I was not.  A Mexican Woman at the restaurant asked if I was ok and had a brief conversation with my Spanish speaking friends.  She returned with a sparkling mineral water in a freezing beer mug with salt around the rim.  She told me that if I could get it down, I would be much better soon.  I slowly sipped on this beverage and began to feel somewhat human again in the next 15-30 minutes.  I was so grateful for this woman and her remedy, as well as my group that was concerned for my health and very patient with me. 
As the evening went on, I continued to feel better and better.  I also was able to eat a small meal of rice and tea before night fall. 
The following day would be Sunday.  The final day of the simulation.  As a group, it was obvious that we were each having our own feelings/experience at "summer camp".  We had a brief assembly of all the participants in this simulation and were given directions to walk 20 blocks to church.  The name of the church is Church Under The Bridge.  We are given a brief description of what this may look like. 
We strike out walking.  I'm glad it's morning because the heat from yesterday will return.  I feel a curiosity about this "church".  I feel excited about the experience.  We walk through a city that is unfamiliar to me and as I admire the architecterual structures and wonder about the history of such fine buildings, I am grateful that I am not on this journey alone.  Glad to have people that are good with directions, people that pay attention to surroundings, people that make me feel safe.
The sun is starting to heat up and I can feel blisters starting to pop up on my toes and the top of my feet.  My anticipation is also rising.  Then we see the bridge.  Underneath I-35 and 4th Street, is a gathering of folks seeking to praise and worship God.  There is a lunch provided before the service.  Then, in folding chairs lined before a trailer pulled by a pickup, people assemble to sing and lift their hearts up to the Lord. 
As I stepped up on the curb my heart leapt with joy.  I was mesmerized and think I just sat back to soak it all in. I found myself unable to remain still or quiet.  With arms outstretched and love in my heart, I felt a connection to God and Him in each one of the people around me. I praised "like no one was watching".  It was absolutely beautiful to me and I felt FrEe! 
 I can only speak for myself.  But let me just say, I told Pastor Jimmy Dorrell later that I had been looking for that place all my life.  He laughed and replied, Me too. 
Church Under the Bridge is said to be an ordinary church made holy by his presence. Black, white, brown, rich and poor, educated in the streets and in the university, all worshipping the living God, who makes us one.  As tears streamed down my face and a joy in my heart, my experience there was anything but ordinary. 

I reflect now and I know that I am a much better person for having this experience.  I was reminded how important it is to value one another and treat others as you would like to be treated. I was once again reminded that my time frame is not necessarily God's timeframe.  I wanted to portray myself as healthy and tough.  The truth was, I was the weakest link in the group.  I HAD to allow my "team" to help me.  I had physical symptoms that could not be hidden or ignored.  I felt very transparent, weak and vulnerable. 
 While I knew I would not be hindered by the same level of hunger and poverty after Sunday, I also knew my heart would never be the same.  I have historically been one to give of myself to others, I learned there that I need to also open myself up to receiving good and abundance in my life.  We are ALL brothers and sisters made in the likeness of God.  We are instructed to care for one another and share His word.  I also discovered how very lonely I have been for quite a while.  To connect with other people, helped me to feel alive and reconnected to my own self again.  Oh the Goodness of the Lord! 
Thank you Lord for "Opening the eyes of my Heart". 




  

She is Clothed with Strength and Dignity and She Laughs Without Fear of the Future

2013 is quickly coming to a close and I find myself reminiscing about the year and all that it has encompassed. 

Many significant things have happened in my world in 2013.  My best friend and neighbor for the past 5 years or so relocated out of state.  That relationship has certainly morphed into another form that I no longer recognize.  It has saddened me on many levels and has been up and down for me throughout the year.  It is better this way.  He is happy in Tennessee and is where I truly believe he is supposed to be. God knows better than us who should be in our lives.

2013 brought opportunities for meeting new people and reconnecting with people I've not seen in many years.  Social media brought me in contact with a dear friend that I had not seen in over 7 or 8 years.  We were college friends and resided in the same residence hall for the duration of our time at WTAMU.

She has brought a whole new realm of craziness to my world.  I went to Waco, TX with her and 4 other professionals to participate in a homeless simulation.  The rekindling of this relationship has been a wonderful thing in and of itself.  Coupled with the experience of homelessness was life changing.  Sounds dramatic, I know.  But it was truly a blessed experience that forever changed me. I have had a lot to ponder since that experience.  That was in the summer.  Then, in the fall, God called Elia and me back to Waco.  We attended a faith based conference on empowering the poor and marginalized in the fall.  So unexpectedly, God grabbed a hold of me there and shook me to the core. I was sitting in this conference among so many caring and loving children of God listening to a simple group of three persons singing Jesus music.  I began to feel anxious and uncomfortable with my surroundings.  I started to scan the room for the closest exit.  I was moved to tears and do not even know why.  I was so overwhelmed and tears just began to flow. I began to pray that God just hold me and let this pass.  I was embarrassed by the tears that seem to flow so much easier these days than ever before. I learned so much about other people are doing in an effort to love their neighbor.  I was set on ablaze during both of these adventures.   I'm not sure what it is that God wants me to do next, but I will try to be a good and faithful servant and follow His direction. 

My daughter turned 15 just a couple of short weeks ago.  She started high school this year and things are changing so quickly.  She is such a joy to me.  Thinking about how funny, smart, mature, caring and quirky she can be brings a smile to my face.  I am so grateful that God is in her heart and has helped her thus far.  I have not been the model mom that I had hoped to be, in fact I have been very absent and preoccupied with my own feelings at times.  I know God has a hand in shaping her in spite of who her mom is.  I love this kid more than life itself and can hardly wait to see what God has in store for her future.
2013 brought financial struggles that I was not sure I could survive.  I have paid a great deal of money in late fees, interest rates and penalties.  I have been just days from closing my business.  I struggle with knowing what to do with all of that.  After much prayer and investigating options, I cashed in my retirement from my state employment.  I have paid all my business debts and have a small cushion in the bank to operate with.  It feels fantastic to start the new year debt free in my business.  My business has not ever really paid me and I feel an urgency to make it work better for our family finances.  Now, keep in mind, I say make it work, but have been open for 6 1/2 years.  I have only survived, not being able to rely on income from this venture for our sole income.  I truly enjoy what I do and hope that people feel happy and loved there. It is my hope that people receive nourishment there.  Not just from the food, but that the atmosphere is inviting and safe for all people. I worry if this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do.   Survival has been my mode for the past several years. I am ready to thrive now. 

In highlighting the major occurrences in 2013, I have to mention the fact that I am no longer a smoker or a drunk.  I picked April 1st as an appropriate day to stop those vices.  I have discovered that I can have a drink or two without getting hammered.  I have also discovered that I do not have to have alcohol to have a good time.  This has been very freeing to me.

  Now, that is not to say that I am perfect.  I am anything but perfect. But these are huge steps in the right direction.  In this healing process, I had to admit out loud to some people that I had problems.  The problems were bigger than me and I was drowning.  I have made apologies and forgave my own self.  Fortunately for me, my God is bigger than those problems and I feel very hope filled.  The healing has started within my family and I hope that I can continue to be a healthy part of this wonderful group. 

After becoming aware of my addictions and having the courage to admit them and face them head on, I have learned to have less fear.  I feel that I have had many instances in my life where I have had to be very brave and courageous.  I am no longer fearful of the small things. 
 
In a quest to grow without fear, I have gone zip lining, experienced homelessness, spoke to groups about my homeless experience and about God's desire for us to love one another, I have started reading God's word at Mass, I have made friends, I have straightened out my priorities and am striving to be a much better parent and I have learned to leave things/people behind that are not in my best interest. I have also learned to cry and just let it happen when it comes. 

I'm not big on new years resolutions. I have never been.  It may be because I have a tendency to not follow through with things.  It could be that I am a procrastinator.  I'll set a goal to start January 1, however I may not get to it until summer.  It may be because I have a tough time setting goals.  Historically, when I've set goals, a force stronger than me changes
circumstances that seem to crush the current goal.  Having said these things, I realize that I am often the biggest obstacle to my own growth and success.  So, in the upcoming new year I will strive to get out of my own way.  I will continue to pray that God guide my steps and that He use me in whatever way He sees appropriate. 

Rather than big resolutions being made for 2014, I hope to build on the positives from this year.  
I am beyond excited to see where God takes Elia and I in serving others.  I am learning to live intentionally.  I am learning to love more freely.  I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and to allow others to help me.  I would like to become a smarter giver.  I intend to nurture and care for myself.  I will watch what I allow in my life and how I allow other people to treat me.  I have learned to stop using negative comments towards myself.  I will worry less and want less material things. I will learn new things daily.  I have a desire to spread hope and love as far as I possibly can. I will practice moderation and meditation.  I will be encouraging to others and show people value.
I hope to write a book, although I don't know about what.
I hope to acquire reliable transportation and travel more.
I hope to travel abroad and experience many new things.

I'm not sure if 2014 is ready for me or not.  But I am very ready for it and am certain it will be a blessed, joyful and hope filled year. I have faith that God will provide. Look out, I'm ready to make some noise!

Lord, please direct my footsteps and use me as you see fit.  Please help me to love others freely without expectation.  I pray that I will be encouragement for others, to be a good example of your love. I also pray that I will allow others into my life and accept what they may offer.  I am grateful for all you have given me this year and all that I have.  May 2014 bring much peace and goodness throughout the world. Amen 

Blest Beyond Belief

Being how this is Thanksgiving week I thought I would reflect on a couple of the things I am most grateful for this year. 

 

Friendship

 

Friendship has become a very important part of my life.  I mean friendship is always something special but it is not something I have often sought out.  I have always been quite a shy person, way introverted.  Mostly an observer of people rather than a participant in friendships. A loner or sorts, the odd one.  Seems people always leave.  They leave for various reasons. They move away geographically, they die or they simply don't want to be in my life anymore.  I know that is shocking to believe, but yes, it's true - some people simply don't appreciate me. 

  Once they are gone, the relationship simply is over or is unrecognizable as it's previous form.  It's painful to lose people you love.  Is it worth the pain?  My answer today is yes.  I am grateful that I have a handful of people that I truly consider my friends.  They are mostly strong faithful women whom I learn from daily and love as my sisters.  I can hardly wait to see what God has planned for some newly developed as well as old rekindled friendships. 

Everyone needs friends in their life.  Genuine relationships that make us better simply by knowing one another. That cannot be replaced by anything.  Embrace your friendships. 

 

 

Family

 

I am grateful for family.  My daughter has often asked, "Mom, why can't we just be like a normal family?  Why can't we (fill in the blank) like real families?"  Well, not all families look the same. It is the two of us in our home.  We have no pets and visitors are a rarity. This scene does not at all reflect the childhood family I experienced.   However, I love my daughter so much and would give my life for her.  We are a real and true family. 

I am grateful my parents are close by.  It is tough to watch them aging and ailing but I must remind myself that it is also a gift that many people do not get to experience. 

 I am beyond excited for my sister and brother-in-law to be expecting a baby in a few short months.  I hope to be a positive and loving part of his life.  Our family has experienced some difficulties within the dynamics and relationships of us all.  I have poured out my soul in the past year with confessions, admissions, apologies, tears and a promise to change things to these family members.  It is slow healing for them, and my desire is that they will come around.  I am grateful for them all.

 

 

My Health

 

It is so odd now to think that there have been many times in my life that I wanted to die.  I just wanted to go away.  Not be a burden to anyone.  Not be a convenience to anyone.  Just simply not be.  I felt insignificant and lonely.  I felt invisible.  I did not take care of myself.  That was not a priority at all.

  It makes my liver quiver now to think of the alcohol binging and consumption over the years.  I was a smoker.  I smoked cigarettes off and on for many years.  My weight has significantly fluctuated over the years. I made a choice to take better care of myself.  I quit smoking April 1st and alcohol consumption just isn't even really an issue.  I went to therapy and started to get focused, motivated and ambitious.  I am now at an all time high weight.  I know that I will take steps to get healthier each and every day. 

All test results this year have indicated that I am the healthiest I have been in a very long time.  I am so grateful.  One of my dear friends, who is 90 years old, told me that if a person is healthy they are very wealthy.  For without your health, nothing else matters.  I watch people struggle daily with major health issues and it is heart breaking.  I will strive to bring peace and joy to those in pain, physical or spiritual.  I am so grateful for my health and for every breath I take.   

 

Forgiveness

 

I am grateful for forgiveness.  The peace that comes from forgiving others that have wronged me is extraordinary.  I have been able to forgive others by realizing that we are all simply humans.  We are all the same.  It does not matter what color, race, gender, religion or lack of, beliefs, education, finances, disabilities...  The list goes on and on.  None of those things matter.  We were created in the likeness of God who loves us all the same and teaches us to love one another by his example. People make mistakes.  People often cause injury to one another, many times with realizing the impact on others.  

God forgives us daily for our sins.  Do you know how huge that is??  We are forgiven!  We get another chance to try to get it right.

  It is in my failings that I learn to do better.  Forgiving myself and knowing now that when I know better, I do better has released chains that had me bound in ways unimaginable. 

God has brought me so far in the past couple of years and for that I am most grateful.  I am excited to see where this all goes from here.  I will continue to strive to be a strong, courageous and faithful servant.

 

These are only a tip of the iceberg of things I am truly thankful for. Thank you Lord for your many blessings bestowed upon me in my life.  Thank you for showing me the light within myself to escape the darkness I stumbled in for so long.  Thank you for using me in ways you see fit to live out your word.  May we continue to recognize our blessings and forever sing praise and thanks for the gifts we receive.

 

 

 

 

LIFECHANGER?!?

So.  I have tried numerous times to blog about a significant event for me that occurred this past July.  It has been 2 short months since I took a road trip to Waco TX with 5 other individuals.  I haven't been able to process that whole experience yet.  This is my first attempt to actually start typing.  I guess we'll see where it take us!

I am on facebook.  I have been quite surprised by my interest in this social network.  I am not the most social person ever, however I am very interested and intrigued by people. I believe this is a fun app where I find myself expressing myself with quotes, pictures, cartoons, etc.  It has been fun to reconnect with people I haven't seen for a while and to stay connected with family and friends.  I have always had a fascination with the human race and have the habit of observing others.  For me, watching others is the best way to learn. 

When I had the desire to be a social worker, I did college internship with the Maternity and Adoption Unit of Catholic Family Services as well as the Financial Services Area of the same agency.  I learned from other caseworkers.  I learned from the clients. I learned by watching.  I learned by listening.  I learned by asking questions.  I learned by doing.

When I decided to open a restaurant, I watched TV shows where people cooked.  I had watched my grandmothers and my dad cook all my life and saw the happiness it brought them as well as those they served.  I had a previous restaurateur come show me how he ran things.  He commented that if he was planning to rob a bank, I would be someone he would be afraid of.  He said he could see me soaking in every bit of what he was showing me. I felt it was the best way to learn what would work.

I also feel I should preface this story with the fact that I have been on a journey of self discovery for the past couple of years.  The summer of 2012 had been life changing as well.  I participated in an ACTS retreat and God dropped some people in my lap that I wasn't sure what to do with.  Turns out He gave me new perspective and new friendship in what He threw in my path.  I was so changed and in such a tail spin for the next year.  I have learned a lot about myself and renewed my personal relationship with God.  I had made a decision to kind of lay low and stay mostly to myself and my daughter.  A time to get reacquainted with myself and find the true me.  The me God created and maybe even the me God created me to become.   I was feeling adventurous. 

Then one day on facebook, I see a friend of mine has posted that she will be participating in a poverty simulation in Waco, TX in a couple of weeks.  I comment that I would like to go and next thing I know, she replies that she and 4 other professionals would be traveling and they had room for one more. Now, Elia is a friend I met in college 25 years ago.  We had recently reconnected on facebook.  It also seems she is working on a book and wanted me to look at some things, so we had communicated recently.  But I had not seen her in about 6 or 7 years.  I am not considered a professional in the service community, not sure this is the group for me.  Hmmm...I thought about it overnight.

The next day, I texted Elia and asked if she seriously had an opening and what did I need to do to get signed up.  She told me it would cost $60 and travel to Amarillo.  I would go with the others to Waco from there.  I told her I was in!

I thought it was a chance of a lifetime to learn what true poverty and/or homelessness was actually like.  I have worked with the poor on different levels. Hell, I am poor!  I have been interested in the human race and serving one another as God has taught us. This would be a great experience to learn more about what homelessness is like on a daily basis.  I'm tough.  I'll go and it will be good to see Elia.   I'm down for it!  I've been looking for like minded people in my lonely world.  I'll give it a try.  Sign me up!

Within a few days, I could feel the anticipation increasing. I looked up the website missionwaco.org to try to learn more about what I was really signed up for.  Naturally this is a Christian based group, I mean they are dealing with the poor. I feel comfy with this concept and I start to get nervous.  Then, I received an email from Elia.  She is addressing our "Team" with the names and phone numbers of the people going as well as an itinerary.  There I was.  Listed at the bottom of team members, all of which had their job title and place of employment or Church affiliation, was my name. We are Team Waco. I continue reading... Dalhart Community Lifechanger.  Woah!  Wait just a minute!  A LIFECHANGER, really???  What was I getting myself into?

It sounded like this may be more of an adventure than I had bargained for.  Was I going to learn so much that I would return a LIFECHANGER?  Would it really be so powerful that it might change MY life?  Would it be possible that I would become a lifechanger for someone else?  I don't know about all that!  I told myself, just be open to learning something new.  That is just a label Elia has used.  It doesn't necessarily mean anything.  People use labels all the time.  

Keep an open mind.  Now, it's the night before the trip.  It seems I am supposed to do this.  Really feels like it is Gods will.  I am nervous and apprehensive yet so excited. What does one pack to be homeless?

The reaction I had received from friends and family was interesting.  My daughter and I joked about the fact that people would probably totally think I was homeless because of how I dress all the time.  My dear friend at work, asked me to leave my shoes there because they totally look like "homeless" shoes.   While I was excited, people thought I had lost my mind and wondered why I would do such a thing.  Especially if I didn't have to.  It's not a job requirement.  I don't need the college credit.  I already have a bachelors degree, this isn't going to further my education that much.  I just felt it was something in my path of self discovery I needed to do.  My attitude was very positive and I was excited.  I would be traveling with new people to a city I've never seen.  It's already a good thing.  I can hardly wait until the weekend is over to see what other good things come my way.

Lord please help me keep an open mind about this experience.  Please open my eyes and heart to see what I need to see there.  Please watch over me as I awkwardly join these professional service providers in this journey of the unknown. Please work through me Lord Jesus Christ, to be an instrument of your love and peace. Thank you for the opportunity to learn something new. 

About to BuRsT!!!!!!

I haven't posted a blog for about a year.  

It seems at that time, I was beginning to catch glimpses of me.  I had realized some positive qualities in myself. I was excited about the prospects of where I could really be in this life.  I had hopes of things to come.

So, here we are a year later.  Where am I now?  Whew! I'm not really even sure where to start.  All I really know is I'm about to BuRsT!!!  I have learned some things that I just can't be quiet about.  I am so hopeful! I feel that I need to make some noise. 

I have put a lot of time into ME within the past 12 months.  I have showed a lot of ugly.  I have faced truths.  I have cried. I have left things behind...on purpose.  I made a decision to make things better for my family. I have been very lost.  I have been in a very dark place.  I have not loved myself.  I have not respected myself.  I have not been honest. 

When it's dark and your lost, it causes confusion.  Sometimes you don't even know how you are surviving, much less contributing anything to anyone else.

Within this time frame I was extremely loud and wordy to a few dear people. One dear woman, Teresa,  had me drop in on her world via God.  She listened to me.  She listened everyday, it seems I have had a lot to say.  She made a point to know me, truly know me.  She is the first person I have ever, in my entire life been very real with.  Excruciatingly honest about myself, inside and out.  She tried to love me and was very generous in her actions and I, being the stubborn person I am, rejected every bit of it.  Rejected it, but didn't go away.  Was drawn to it, but didn't know what to do with it. I took up so much of her time every day for a very long time!  Ranted, cried, yelled, laughed, cried some more - all in texts every day.  I'm not sure how she has put up with me as long as she has. Except for the fact that she has prayed for me and allowed God to work through her.

At some point, she told me NO! (Well, a couple of times she told me NO!  Haha)  Once on retreat, she said No!  You cannot keep on this way, you need help. And offered help.   Hmmmm...

And then a year or year and a half later, again, she said No!  You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results.  No!  Unless you make changes, you got to quit contacting me. 

Woah!  I was totally blown away. I'm not a bad person.  Why would you ask me to leave your world?  I found safety and love there, please don't ask me to leave. I know you have a ton on your plate, especially with your loved ones relocation of out the country.  In my egotistical mind, I was a good diversion for you as well.  And really?  You've had it? 

Of course she had had it!  I had been disrespectful, stubborn, under the influence, angry...  I had long worn out my welcome.  I don't know what it was that I couldn't stop it...the noise in my mind was so overwhelming I had to yell it!  I was undergoing major transition in my life, I could feel it!  A lot of it was so painful!!  I couldn't let go of everything all at once!  This was going to take some time.  I felt so alone!  I felt so lost. Teresa reminded me that I wasn't alone, God is there the whole time.

I sought out more help.  I started therapy.  Which I hope is not embarrassing to anyone, it's not to me.  Sometimes, a person just needs help.  Help from someone who knows about that stuff.  I leaned on some friends pretty hard. I tried to share my blog with a few people, seemingly random people, I'll admit.  I have quite a diverse group of people I call friends.   I found courage to face some truths and admit some mistakes along with those truths to those most close to me.  Tough stuff, I tell ya! 

Realizing that how I looked at situations could change how I feel about them, things started to settle down. I made major changes.  I truly turned to God.  Holy Thursday I went before the crucifix and as I wept I told God that I has placing my total trust and faith in Him, I was laying my frailties at His feet and asking for forgiveness. 

I grabbed a hold of some addictions that I simply could not shake before, I faced them.  I mustered up the courage to admit my faults and fight those damn dragons for once and for all!  I have cried a lot of tears ( I know, cry me a river :) ) - but seriously, have cried a lot of tears.  I didn't know what to do with everything I had bottled up for so many years.  I sure don't recommend it.  But it is so freeing to face it, ask God for forgiveness, allow yourself to be loved and love other people.  It is very lonely in that dark place.  It is much better with the light on.

I made a decision to just be still for a bit.  I was so embarrassed about having gone too far in relationships with friends and running people away.  I needed to just be still for a minute.  Don't seek anything out.  Love my daughter and take care of her needs.  Go to work and continue to try to succeed there. Take care of myself.  But be quiet for a bit. 

I did a lot of reflecting when I got quiet.  I prayed.  I read.  I reconnected with positive people.  I continued to participate in worship.  I tried to reach out, often in my awkwardness, to people that I believed were like-minded.  I became less afraid and more confident.  I can feel God at work in my life and can see Him all around me.  I'm AWAKE!  and it is AMAZING!  I am far from perfect but I have love in my heart.  I am no longer angry.  I see blessings everywhere and for that I'm grateful.  It is my hope that people will see Christ in me and want to do good things for one another.  There are so many social issues that I personally understand and feel strongly about. Some I want to learn more about.  I am not sure where God is directing me next, but I'm excited to see it unravel.  I want to live! I want to fully experience what God has planned for me.


Thank you for the wonderful gifts you have placed in my life Lord. I am so blessed by the people you put in my life on a daily basis.  I am grateful for your Perfect love and example of how to love. May I be a friend to the friendless and remind others of your love as well.


#Godhasaplan #Ifeelitsperfect #hopefilled



One of the SWEETEST Secrets I Hold

So.  It's not a secret to everyone, but for all practical purposes has been the deepest, darkest, sweetest secret of my life. 

In the fall of 1986 at the new age of 16 years old, I was testing my wings, as I often did.  I had the car for the night and there was a dance at the coliseum I was planning to attend.  But first, thought I'd hook up with a few friends for drinks first.  Better to get "loosened up" before the big social event.  I planned to meet them at some guy's house.  I didn't know him nor anything about the place, except that drinks would be available and my friends would be around.  There were several cars there when I arrived, so I decided to stop.

As I approached the door, I could hear music blaring inside.  I knocked.  A man answered the door by grabbing me by the arm and tossing me inside.  As I tried to get away, it occurred to me that no one else was there.  He told me he had been watching me for "some time" and now it was time to have me.  He ripped off my clothes, threw me into a dark room that appeared to be a bedroom.  He had a strong hold of me saying crazy things, a wild look in his eyes as he turned a light on.  When he turned the light on, he was naked and as crazy eyed as anyone I've ever seen before or seen.  He proceeded to rape me. I believe at some point I quit fighting and just lay silent, begging did not help - it only made it worse.  When he was finished and finally let me up, I frantically gathered my ripped clothes and shredded pride and ran out the door.  I was not even totally clothed as I ran.  He threw me my shoes and a Jesus medal.  He said he had prayed for that night and told me maybe the medal could help me some time.  He laughed as I drove away. 

The tears would not stop.  My mind was filled with a fog. What the hell do I do now?  My parents would be very angry at me for not being where I said I'd be, I couldn't show up at the dance in this shape to even begin to look for any friends.  Before cell phone age, things were different.  If I went to the cops my parents would be contacted...the legal system seemed a very unjust system especially when it involved minor girls and a sexual situation.  I felt alot of shame, guilt, anger, sadness....all rolled up in a ball.

This was not my first experience with sex.  You see, I was used as a sex toy or whatever you want to call it, since the young age of 5.  And just as before, there was so much shame, fear, confusion.

I drove around for what seemed like several hours and then went home.  My parents were in asleep.  I whispered I was home, threw my clothes away, showered and went to bed.   This night could never be mentioned or spoke out loud. 

Seems, almost immediately, I became ill. I was vomiting several times a day, every day.  I figured it was nerves.  I was totally sad, scared and broken down inside but was trying to put on a happy face for the outside.  

The sickness did not go away soon.  I kinda told my mom what had happened and asked her not to tell my dad.  My dad never said anything to me, but they both accompanied me to an appointment with a dr. out of town.  It was an OB/GYN.  As the doctor told me the statistics that 1 in 100 rapes results in pregnancy, my heart sunk into my stomach and I knew it was true.  What I had tried to avoid as the truth, I was indeed pregnant, I saw my mother's expression change into a sadness that was evident for years to come.  I opened the door from her office and saw my dad sitting in the waiting room at the end of the hall.  He was awaiting the verdict of this dr.  Tears streamed down my face as I walked toward him....the closer I got, it seemed he got further away.   When he saw my face, he knew.  He didn't say anything.

So. From this appointment, my parents took me straight to my mom's sisters house.  The adults visited while I was sent to the living room.  Then we left.  My parents informed me on the way home that I would be moving to live with these family members.  I had always been very close to my aunt, staying there some in the summers.  They would figure it all out and let me know what was to happen.  They didn't seem angry. They didn't yell.  They didn't talk.  They didn't embrace me. They didn't seem joyful by any stretch.  They didn't seem ANYTHING. 

That was right before Christmas.  I knew it was a secret.  That's why I was being sent away, to hide me.  They said it would be easier for me.  I'm not sure how totally changing everything you know, at a time like this, could be easier...but parents know best.  I didn't utter a word of it to anyone. 

So, in January at mid term of my Jr. year in high school I moved from my immediate family and started a new school. The staff there knew the situation and I had gone before a board to be admitted there.  The students just had rumors and whispers in the hallway.  Finally, a boy told me, you know what they are saying about you, right?  I told him it was true.  I was pregnant.  No details were ever asked from that point on.  It seemed the kids just accepted that I was pregnant and embraced me, including me in all the school functions.  The guy that had so awkwardly asked if I knew what was being said...well, he became a friend and was my date to Jr. Prom.  We all went separate ways for the summer, and my future was in limbo.  I wasn't sure where I would attend school my sr year or how the summer would turn out. 

By January, I had pretty well decided that I would place this child for adoption.  He was going to need a lot more than I could provide.  I was a kid myself.  I had no direction for the future.  I had little experience for skills in the work place to support myself, much less anyone else. And quite frankly, I wasn't sure how I would feel about him.  I recognized him as a person.  I loved him.  I felt him growing inside me and moving to the sound of my voice. I would sing to him and say prayers out loud to try to calm him and myself at times.  

 Seems very silly now to think that I might not have loved him,  that I could ever think ill thoughts because of how he was conceived. 

On June 18, 1987 at the age of 16, I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy, Matthew Ross.  I had bravely and strongly told the hospital staff that I did not want to see him after he was born.  I was so afraid that I would not be strong enough to go through with the adoption if I saw him or held him.  They respected my wishes and I was placed on another floor of the hospital until I was dismissed.  He was dismissed shortly before me. 

A few days after being dismissed, I was asked to accompany Matthew and his new adoptive mom and sister out of state to complete more legal paperwork.  Reluncantly, I went.  I held him, helped take care of him on the trip, stayed in the same hotel room with them and heard his cries.  He was heart wrenching to me to leave him behind in his new home with his new family, without me.  I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to board the plane.  But after what seemed an eternity of walking towards the plane, I boarded and returned to my parents home for the summer.

Of course I was sad.  I was very sad.  I was angry.  I still felt I had done the right thing. 

The adventure of getting him here, was anything but sweet.  But seeing his smiles and changes, to be a part of his life. Fun filled summer visits for 20 years was one of the sweetest, biggest blessings in my life! 

Tonight, I celebrate him and the impact he had on my life.  5 years ago tonight, Matthew was out testing his wings.  He was driving around a hilly tree lined road with five other kids.  He was driving at a high rate of speed and tried to do a skid he had seen in the movies.  He hit a tree and died instantly, killing four other teens in the car.  I still grieve his early departure from this world.  I hope he has found a peace like no other he ever experienced here.

Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord and let perpetual light shine upon him and may he rest in peace.

May his soul and all the souls of the faitfully departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen.