Blest Beyond Belief

Being how this is Thanksgiving week I thought I would reflect on a couple of the things I am most grateful for this year. 

 

Friendship

 

Friendship has become a very important part of my life.  I mean friendship is always something special but it is not something I have often sought out.  I have always been quite a shy person, way introverted.  Mostly an observer of people rather than a participant in friendships. A loner or sorts, the odd one.  Seems people always leave.  They leave for various reasons. They move away geographically, they die or they simply don't want to be in my life anymore.  I know that is shocking to believe, but yes, it's true - some people simply don't appreciate me. 

  Once they are gone, the relationship simply is over or is unrecognizable as it's previous form.  It's painful to lose people you love.  Is it worth the pain?  My answer today is yes.  I am grateful that I have a handful of people that I truly consider my friends.  They are mostly strong faithful women whom I learn from daily and love as my sisters.  I can hardly wait to see what God has planned for some newly developed as well as old rekindled friendships. 

Everyone needs friends in their life.  Genuine relationships that make us better simply by knowing one another. That cannot be replaced by anything.  Embrace your friendships. 

 

 

Family

 

I am grateful for family.  My daughter has often asked, "Mom, why can't we just be like a normal family?  Why can't we (fill in the blank) like real families?"  Well, not all families look the same. It is the two of us in our home.  We have no pets and visitors are a rarity. This scene does not at all reflect the childhood family I experienced.   However, I love my daughter so much and would give my life for her.  We are a real and true family. 

I am grateful my parents are close by.  It is tough to watch them aging and ailing but I must remind myself that it is also a gift that many people do not get to experience. 

 I am beyond excited for my sister and brother-in-law to be expecting a baby in a few short months.  I hope to be a positive and loving part of his life.  Our family has experienced some difficulties within the dynamics and relationships of us all.  I have poured out my soul in the past year with confessions, admissions, apologies, tears and a promise to change things to these family members.  It is slow healing for them, and my desire is that they will come around.  I am grateful for them all.

 

 

My Health

 

It is so odd now to think that there have been many times in my life that I wanted to die.  I just wanted to go away.  Not be a burden to anyone.  Not be a convenience to anyone.  Just simply not be.  I felt insignificant and lonely.  I felt invisible.  I did not take care of myself.  That was not a priority at all.

  It makes my liver quiver now to think of the alcohol binging and consumption over the years.  I was a smoker.  I smoked cigarettes off and on for many years.  My weight has significantly fluctuated over the years. I made a choice to take better care of myself.  I quit smoking April 1st and alcohol consumption just isn't even really an issue.  I went to therapy and started to get focused, motivated and ambitious.  I am now at an all time high weight.  I know that I will take steps to get healthier each and every day. 

All test results this year have indicated that I am the healthiest I have been in a very long time.  I am so grateful.  One of my dear friends, who is 90 years old, told me that if a person is healthy they are very wealthy.  For without your health, nothing else matters.  I watch people struggle daily with major health issues and it is heart breaking.  I will strive to bring peace and joy to those in pain, physical or spiritual.  I am so grateful for my health and for every breath I take.   

 

Forgiveness

 

I am grateful for forgiveness.  The peace that comes from forgiving others that have wronged me is extraordinary.  I have been able to forgive others by realizing that we are all simply humans.  We are all the same.  It does not matter what color, race, gender, religion or lack of, beliefs, education, finances, disabilities...  The list goes on and on.  None of those things matter.  We were created in the likeness of God who loves us all the same and teaches us to love one another by his example. People make mistakes.  People often cause injury to one another, many times with realizing the impact on others.  

God forgives us daily for our sins.  Do you know how huge that is??  We are forgiven!  We get another chance to try to get it right.

  It is in my failings that I learn to do better.  Forgiving myself and knowing now that when I know better, I do better has released chains that had me bound in ways unimaginable. 

God has brought me so far in the past couple of years and for that I am most grateful.  I am excited to see where this all goes from here.  I will continue to strive to be a strong, courageous and faithful servant.

 

These are only a tip of the iceberg of things I am truly thankful for. Thank you Lord for your many blessings bestowed upon me in my life.  Thank you for showing me the light within myself to escape the darkness I stumbled in for so long.  Thank you for using me in ways you see fit to live out your word.  May we continue to recognize our blessings and forever sing praise and thanks for the gifts we receive.

 

 

 

 

LIFECHANGER?!?

So.  I have tried numerous times to blog about a significant event for me that occurred this past July.  It has been 2 short months since I took a road trip to Waco TX with 5 other individuals.  I haven't been able to process that whole experience yet.  This is my first attempt to actually start typing.  I guess we'll see where it take us!

I am on facebook.  I have been quite surprised by my interest in this social network.  I am not the most social person ever, however I am very interested and intrigued by people. I believe this is a fun app where I find myself expressing myself with quotes, pictures, cartoons, etc.  It has been fun to reconnect with people I haven't seen for a while and to stay connected with family and friends.  I have always had a fascination with the human race and have the habit of observing others.  For me, watching others is the best way to learn. 

When I had the desire to be a social worker, I did college internship with the Maternity and Adoption Unit of Catholic Family Services as well as the Financial Services Area of the same agency.  I learned from other caseworkers.  I learned from the clients. I learned by watching.  I learned by listening.  I learned by asking questions.  I learned by doing.

When I decided to open a restaurant, I watched TV shows where people cooked.  I had watched my grandmothers and my dad cook all my life and saw the happiness it brought them as well as those they served.  I had a previous restaurateur come show me how he ran things.  He commented that if he was planning to rob a bank, I would be someone he would be afraid of.  He said he could see me soaking in every bit of what he was showing me. I felt it was the best way to learn what would work.

I also feel I should preface this story with the fact that I have been on a journey of self discovery for the past couple of years.  The summer of 2012 had been life changing as well.  I participated in an ACTS retreat and God dropped some people in my lap that I wasn't sure what to do with.  Turns out He gave me new perspective and new friendship in what He threw in my path.  I was so changed and in such a tail spin for the next year.  I have learned a lot about myself and renewed my personal relationship with God.  I had made a decision to kind of lay low and stay mostly to myself and my daughter.  A time to get reacquainted with myself and find the true me.  The me God created and maybe even the me God created me to become.   I was feeling adventurous. 

Then one day on facebook, I see a friend of mine has posted that she will be participating in a poverty simulation in Waco, TX in a couple of weeks.  I comment that I would like to go and next thing I know, she replies that she and 4 other professionals would be traveling and they had room for one more. Now, Elia is a friend I met in college 25 years ago.  We had recently reconnected on facebook.  It also seems she is working on a book and wanted me to look at some things, so we had communicated recently.  But I had not seen her in about 6 or 7 years.  I am not considered a professional in the service community, not sure this is the group for me.  Hmmm...I thought about it overnight.

The next day, I texted Elia and asked if she seriously had an opening and what did I need to do to get signed up.  She told me it would cost $60 and travel to Amarillo.  I would go with the others to Waco from there.  I told her I was in!

I thought it was a chance of a lifetime to learn what true poverty and/or homelessness was actually like.  I have worked with the poor on different levels. Hell, I am poor!  I have been interested in the human race and serving one another as God has taught us. This would be a great experience to learn more about what homelessness is like on a daily basis.  I'm tough.  I'll go and it will be good to see Elia.   I'm down for it!  I've been looking for like minded people in my lonely world.  I'll give it a try.  Sign me up!

Within a few days, I could feel the anticipation increasing. I looked up the website missionwaco.org to try to learn more about what I was really signed up for.  Naturally this is a Christian based group, I mean they are dealing with the poor. I feel comfy with this concept and I start to get nervous.  Then, I received an email from Elia.  She is addressing our "Team" with the names and phone numbers of the people going as well as an itinerary.  There I was.  Listed at the bottom of team members, all of which had their job title and place of employment or Church affiliation, was my name. We are Team Waco. I continue reading... Dalhart Community Lifechanger.  Woah!  Wait just a minute!  A LIFECHANGER, really???  What was I getting myself into?

It sounded like this may be more of an adventure than I had bargained for.  Was I going to learn so much that I would return a LIFECHANGER?  Would it really be so powerful that it might change MY life?  Would it be possible that I would become a lifechanger for someone else?  I don't know about all that!  I told myself, just be open to learning something new.  That is just a label Elia has used.  It doesn't necessarily mean anything.  People use labels all the time.  

Keep an open mind.  Now, it's the night before the trip.  It seems I am supposed to do this.  Really feels like it is Gods will.  I am nervous and apprehensive yet so excited. What does one pack to be homeless?

The reaction I had received from friends and family was interesting.  My daughter and I joked about the fact that people would probably totally think I was homeless because of how I dress all the time.  My dear friend at work, asked me to leave my shoes there because they totally look like "homeless" shoes.   While I was excited, people thought I had lost my mind and wondered why I would do such a thing.  Especially if I didn't have to.  It's not a job requirement.  I don't need the college credit.  I already have a bachelors degree, this isn't going to further my education that much.  I just felt it was something in my path of self discovery I needed to do.  My attitude was very positive and I was excited.  I would be traveling with new people to a city I've never seen.  It's already a good thing.  I can hardly wait until the weekend is over to see what other good things come my way.

Lord please help me keep an open mind about this experience.  Please open my eyes and heart to see what I need to see there.  Please watch over me as I awkwardly join these professional service providers in this journey of the unknown. Please work through me Lord Jesus Christ, to be an instrument of your love and peace. Thank you for the opportunity to learn something new. 

About to BuRsT!!!!!!

I haven't posted a blog for about a year.  

It seems at that time, I was beginning to catch glimpses of me.  I had realized some positive qualities in myself. I was excited about the prospects of where I could really be in this life.  I had hopes of things to come.

So, here we are a year later.  Where am I now?  Whew! I'm not really even sure where to start.  All I really know is I'm about to BuRsT!!!  I have learned some things that I just can't be quiet about.  I am so hopeful! I feel that I need to make some noise. 

I have put a lot of time into ME within the past 12 months.  I have showed a lot of ugly.  I have faced truths.  I have cried. I have left things behind...on purpose.  I made a decision to make things better for my family. I have been very lost.  I have been in a very dark place.  I have not loved myself.  I have not respected myself.  I have not been honest. 

When it's dark and your lost, it causes confusion.  Sometimes you don't even know how you are surviving, much less contributing anything to anyone else.

Within this time frame I was extremely loud and wordy to a few dear people. One dear woman, Teresa,  had me drop in on her world via God.  She listened to me.  She listened everyday, it seems I have had a lot to say.  She made a point to know me, truly know me.  She is the first person I have ever, in my entire life been very real with.  Excruciatingly honest about myself, inside and out.  She tried to love me and was very generous in her actions and I, being the stubborn person I am, rejected every bit of it.  Rejected it, but didn't go away.  Was drawn to it, but didn't know what to do with it. I took up so much of her time every day for a very long time!  Ranted, cried, yelled, laughed, cried some more - all in texts every day.  I'm not sure how she has put up with me as long as she has. Except for the fact that she has prayed for me and allowed God to work through her.

At some point, she told me NO! (Well, a couple of times she told me NO!  Haha)  Once on retreat, she said No!  You cannot keep on this way, you need help. And offered help.   Hmmmm...

And then a year or year and a half later, again, she said No!  You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results.  No!  Unless you make changes, you got to quit contacting me. 

Woah!  I was totally blown away. I'm not a bad person.  Why would you ask me to leave your world?  I found safety and love there, please don't ask me to leave. I know you have a ton on your plate, especially with your loved ones relocation of out the country.  In my egotistical mind, I was a good diversion for you as well.  And really?  You've had it? 

Of course she had had it!  I had been disrespectful, stubborn, under the influence, angry...  I had long worn out my welcome.  I don't know what it was that I couldn't stop it...the noise in my mind was so overwhelming I had to yell it!  I was undergoing major transition in my life, I could feel it!  A lot of it was so painful!!  I couldn't let go of everything all at once!  This was going to take some time.  I felt so alone!  I felt so lost. Teresa reminded me that I wasn't alone, God is there the whole time.

I sought out more help.  I started therapy.  Which I hope is not embarrassing to anyone, it's not to me.  Sometimes, a person just needs help.  Help from someone who knows about that stuff.  I leaned on some friends pretty hard. I tried to share my blog with a few people, seemingly random people, I'll admit.  I have quite a diverse group of people I call friends.   I found courage to face some truths and admit some mistakes along with those truths to those most close to me.  Tough stuff, I tell ya! 

Realizing that how I looked at situations could change how I feel about them, things started to settle down. I made major changes.  I truly turned to God.  Holy Thursday I went before the crucifix and as I wept I told God that I has placing my total trust and faith in Him, I was laying my frailties at His feet and asking for forgiveness. 

I grabbed a hold of some addictions that I simply could not shake before, I faced them.  I mustered up the courage to admit my faults and fight those damn dragons for once and for all!  I have cried a lot of tears ( I know, cry me a river :) ) - but seriously, have cried a lot of tears.  I didn't know what to do with everything I had bottled up for so many years.  I sure don't recommend it.  But it is so freeing to face it, ask God for forgiveness, allow yourself to be loved and love other people.  It is very lonely in that dark place.  It is much better with the light on.

I made a decision to just be still for a bit.  I was so embarrassed about having gone too far in relationships with friends and running people away.  I needed to just be still for a minute.  Don't seek anything out.  Love my daughter and take care of her needs.  Go to work and continue to try to succeed there. Take care of myself.  But be quiet for a bit. 

I did a lot of reflecting when I got quiet.  I prayed.  I read.  I reconnected with positive people.  I continued to participate in worship.  I tried to reach out, often in my awkwardness, to people that I believed were like-minded.  I became less afraid and more confident.  I can feel God at work in my life and can see Him all around me.  I'm AWAKE!  and it is AMAZING!  I am far from perfect but I have love in my heart.  I am no longer angry.  I see blessings everywhere and for that I'm grateful.  It is my hope that people will see Christ in me and want to do good things for one another.  There are so many social issues that I personally understand and feel strongly about. Some I want to learn more about.  I am not sure where God is directing me next, but I'm excited to see it unravel.  I want to live! I want to fully experience what God has planned for me.


Thank you for the wonderful gifts you have placed in my life Lord. I am so blessed by the people you put in my life on a daily basis.  I am grateful for your Perfect love and example of how to love. May I be a friend to the friendless and remind others of your love as well.


#Godhasaplan #Ifeelitsperfect #hopefilled



One of the SWEETEST Secrets I Hold

So.  It's not a secret to everyone, but for all practical purposes has been the deepest, darkest, sweetest secret of my life. 

In the fall of 1986 at the new age of 16 years old, I was testing my wings, as I often did.  I had the car for the night and there was a dance at the coliseum I was planning to attend.  But first, thought I'd hook up with a few friends for drinks first.  Better to get "loosened up" before the big social event.  I planned to meet them at some guy's house.  I didn't know him nor anything about the place, except that drinks would be available and my friends would be around.  There were several cars there when I arrived, so I decided to stop.

As I approached the door, I could hear music blaring inside.  I knocked.  A man answered the door by grabbing me by the arm and tossing me inside.  As I tried to get away, it occurred to me that no one else was there.  He told me he had been watching me for "some time" and now it was time to have me.  He ripped off my clothes, threw me into a dark room that appeared to be a bedroom.  He had a strong hold of me saying crazy things, a wild look in his eyes as he turned a light on.  When he turned the light on, he was naked and as crazy eyed as anyone I've ever seen before or seen.  He proceeded to rape me. I believe at some point I quit fighting and just lay silent, begging did not help - it only made it worse.  When he was finished and finally let me up, I frantically gathered my ripped clothes and shredded pride and ran out the door.  I was not even totally clothed as I ran.  He threw me my shoes and a Jesus medal.  He said he had prayed for that night and told me maybe the medal could help me some time.  He laughed as I drove away. 

The tears would not stop.  My mind was filled with a fog. What the hell do I do now?  My parents would be very angry at me for not being where I said I'd be, I couldn't show up at the dance in this shape to even begin to look for any friends.  Before cell phone age, things were different.  If I went to the cops my parents would be contacted...the legal system seemed a very unjust system especially when it involved minor girls and a sexual situation.  I felt alot of shame, guilt, anger, sadness....all rolled up in a ball.

This was not my first experience with sex.  You see, I was used as a sex toy or whatever you want to call it, since the young age of 5.  And just as before, there was so much shame, fear, confusion.

I drove around for what seemed like several hours and then went home.  My parents were in asleep.  I whispered I was home, threw my clothes away, showered and went to bed.   This night could never be mentioned or spoke out loud. 

Seems, almost immediately, I became ill. I was vomiting several times a day, every day.  I figured it was nerves.  I was totally sad, scared and broken down inside but was trying to put on a happy face for the outside.  

The sickness did not go away soon.  I kinda told my mom what had happened and asked her not to tell my dad.  My dad never said anything to me, but they both accompanied me to an appointment with a dr. out of town.  It was an OB/GYN.  As the doctor told me the statistics that 1 in 100 rapes results in pregnancy, my heart sunk into my stomach and I knew it was true.  What I had tried to avoid as the truth, I was indeed pregnant, I saw my mother's expression change into a sadness that was evident for years to come.  I opened the door from her office and saw my dad sitting in the waiting room at the end of the hall.  He was awaiting the verdict of this dr.  Tears streamed down my face as I walked toward him....the closer I got, it seemed he got further away.   When he saw my face, he knew.  He didn't say anything.

So. From this appointment, my parents took me straight to my mom's sisters house.  The adults visited while I was sent to the living room.  Then we left.  My parents informed me on the way home that I would be moving to live with these family members.  I had always been very close to my aunt, staying there some in the summers.  They would figure it all out and let me know what was to happen.  They didn't seem angry. They didn't yell.  They didn't talk.  They didn't embrace me. They didn't seem joyful by any stretch.  They didn't seem ANYTHING. 

That was right before Christmas.  I knew it was a secret.  That's why I was being sent away, to hide me.  They said it would be easier for me.  I'm not sure how totally changing everything you know, at a time like this, could be easier...but parents know best.  I didn't utter a word of it to anyone. 

So, in January at mid term of my Jr. year in high school I moved from my immediate family and started a new school. The staff there knew the situation and I had gone before a board to be admitted there.  The students just had rumors and whispers in the hallway.  Finally, a boy told me, you know what they are saying about you, right?  I told him it was true.  I was pregnant.  No details were ever asked from that point on.  It seemed the kids just accepted that I was pregnant and embraced me, including me in all the school functions.  The guy that had so awkwardly asked if I knew what was being said...well, he became a friend and was my date to Jr. Prom.  We all went separate ways for the summer, and my future was in limbo.  I wasn't sure where I would attend school my sr year or how the summer would turn out. 

By January, I had pretty well decided that I would place this child for adoption.  He was going to need a lot more than I could provide.  I was a kid myself.  I had no direction for the future.  I had little experience for skills in the work place to support myself, much less anyone else. And quite frankly, I wasn't sure how I would feel about him.  I recognized him as a person.  I loved him.  I felt him growing inside me and moving to the sound of my voice. I would sing to him and say prayers out loud to try to calm him and myself at times.  

 Seems very silly now to think that I might not have loved him,  that I could ever think ill thoughts because of how he was conceived. 

On June 18, 1987 at the age of 16, I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy, Matthew Ross.  I had bravely and strongly told the hospital staff that I did not want to see him after he was born.  I was so afraid that I would not be strong enough to go through with the adoption if I saw him or held him.  They respected my wishes and I was placed on another floor of the hospital until I was dismissed.  He was dismissed shortly before me. 

A few days after being dismissed, I was asked to accompany Matthew and his new adoptive mom and sister out of state to complete more legal paperwork.  Reluncantly, I went.  I held him, helped take care of him on the trip, stayed in the same hotel room with them and heard his cries.  He was heart wrenching to me to leave him behind in his new home with his new family, without me.  I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to board the plane.  But after what seemed an eternity of walking towards the plane, I boarded and returned to my parents home for the summer.

Of course I was sad.  I was very sad.  I was angry.  I still felt I had done the right thing. 

The adventure of getting him here, was anything but sweet.  But seeing his smiles and changes, to be a part of his life. Fun filled summer visits for 20 years was one of the sweetest, biggest blessings in my life! 

Tonight, I celebrate him and the impact he had on my life.  5 years ago tonight, Matthew was out testing his wings.  He was driving around a hilly tree lined road with five other kids.  He was driving at a high rate of speed and tried to do a skid he had seen in the movies.  He hit a tree and died instantly, killing four other teens in the car.  I still grieve his early departure from this world.  I hope he has found a peace like no other he ever experienced here.

Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord and let perpetual light shine upon him and may he rest in peace.

May his soul and all the souls of the faitfully departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen. 

SeASoNs

There is a time for everything....I'm just now getting my yard in decent shape and the leaves are starting to fall.  You can feel a crispness in the mornings, the hot days are a different kind of hot, there are different birds and insects in the yard....Fall is upon us. 

Fall has typically always been my favorite season.  I love that it changes from so hot to a milder climate.  I love the way the leaves change from a simple green into a burst of colors.  When they fall from the branches giving them life, they make a crunch under your feet and are fun to fall into. 

School starts back up in the fall and creates a buzz and busyness in our home.  Ball games, youth group, school activities are added into the schedules.  It seems a routine of this sort is embraced in our home.  We have become list makers and calendar keepers.  This is a big stretch for me, considering I never even find it important to wear a watch. 

Fall gets me to start thinking about soups, casseroles, comfort food.  Things will start changing up at the restaurant.  We are supporters of local football, sports in general, academics, arts and citizenship.  The local block party will be this month and that always gives me the warm fuzzies.  People coming together to celebrate our little town and history of downtown specifically.  Our downtown has always tugged at my heart strings.  The bricks streets and architecture of the early 1900 buildings are so full of history.  It's awesome.

Fall is the season before winter.  Things begin to die and take on other shapes and sometimes purposes.  Seems appropriate as I examine my own heart.  I have begun a journey of self discovery in recent months and it seems to be climaxing as the season of fall approaches.  I have discovered that I, myself, am my biggest obstacle is this life.  I tried to blame finances, circumstances, influences....turns out that my own lack of self discipline, self love, strong will and ample amount of stubbornness are my worst enemies.  I continue to pray for acceptance of what I can change and the strength to do what it necessary.

Very unnerving thing happened today.  I've been cleaning stuff out and in the process found home movies from like 8 years ago.  It was hard for me to believe that was me.  I didn't look a whole lot different, but my spirit was very different.  My daughter didn't believe it sounded like my voice.  It was like a totally different person that I have no recollection of.  How does that even happen? 

I guess a person can sink into the depths of the leaves becoming "dead" of sorts.  Fortunately, those leaves can become mulch and help things to grow.  There is a part of me dying as I travel this journey.  It is extremely pain filled and difficult.  I would have argued that I do not have an addiction and that my actions were not hurting anything or anyone.  The aftermath shows differently.  I'm glad God is being patient with me.  I need more time to say goodbye to some of those things anchoring me down.  If I stay too long, I will drown.  But God has thrown me a safety net.  I see things that need to change and have made some efforts to be the change. 

I will never forget the son and the husband that I loved and continue to love very much.  I am grateful that they were a part of my life and now a part of my heart.  They both died very unexpectedly. I lost my grandparents, my aunt who was like a mother, my father-in-law, my son, my husband and an uncle my parents cared for in less than 5 years.  It is a natural part of life, none of us gets out alive....but wow! sure tough on those left behind.

 I did not die. I gave up living at some point, often thinking that the world would be better off without my craziness.  But I did not die.

 It is time to live a full life in God who gives me strength and love.  It is self destructive to just try to forget the good as well as the pain that ensued from their loss.  Feeling it in real time years later and mourning again is almost unbearable but necessary for me to continue in my journey.  I have watched the film, I have sorted through the belongings, I have cried, I have been crazy.  I have come to place it all in God's loving hands.  I will ask them to pray for me and will remember them always. 

Alcohol and drugs are not the answer.  Becoming someone else to be accepted or losing yourself for someone else's benefit is not the answer.  Giving pieces of yourself to others, leaving yourself as something less, is not the answer.  Self destructive behavior gets you no where and hurts those who love you.

Seems I'm learning what the answer is not...all in good time I hope to learn better what the answer is.  The Lord is kind and merciful full of love to all those who call.

Lord, please help me to let go of the anxieties that I possess.  Help me to put my trust in You and be a faithful servant.  Help guide me to goodness and abstain from the darkness I often turn to.  I thank you for placing vessels of Your goodness in my path for as long as they may remain.  Please help me to inspire faith, love and hope to Spence, to be the example You made me to be. To continue this journey with strength and a renewed sense of love for myself and You, who made me.

HARD to FALL

Had been doing really well.  Fell exceptionally hard on Saturday.  It was quite a fall to recover from.  Not sure why I did it.  Never want to do it again.  Life is much better without the substances I have relied on for so long.  Wonder how long it will be until I no longer stumble or fall.  God is on my side and I feel his presence even stronger everyday. 

I want to experience the world through these new eyes for a while and see what I have been missing out on.  I also want to see what is in store for me.  Things are changing so quickly in my world.  It seems like a slow progression and then boom!  Everything is different.  Some changes I am REALLY struggling with, others are coming a little easier. 

Dear Lord, please continue to watch over me with your gentle kindness and love.  I thank you for the positive influences you have placed in my life.  Help me to not overuse or abuse the goodness there.  I have a tendency to wear people out and I only want to embrace the help, the goodness, the friendship of those around me.  I'm afraid of going it alone.  I know darkness and ironically have had a fear of the dark since early childhood.  It is interesting the new fears that pop up everyday, I accept that these may be obstacles/challenges that will help me learn and grow in my faith in you. Thank you for sending me angels that I recognize and accept direction from, please bless them in return. 

STAGES of LIFE

I have always known, but at times forgot, the beauty you can see when you are cognizant of Him, who created it all.

Went to mass this morning and it felt different.  I felt very comfortable and at home.  I haven't felt that way there in awhile.  As I take baby steps in my journey, I believe my spirit is truly being nurtured and loved by God.  In a weird way, I think others around me can sense it.  They may not know what is different about me but they seem to notice something.  Today, a woman at church, that has been a lifelong friend of our family came up to me and gave me a big hug.  With tears in her eyes, she said that I had really touched her heart today and she hoped I was ok. Hmmm...encouragement that I am taking steps in the right direction.  A blessing!

So, after church decided to put water on the yard, sit in the shade and just enjoy being for a bit.  Then I noticed that a couple of butterflies were playing in the water, which brought a smile to my face.  You see, I kind of have a history of the butterfly theme in my life.

Butterflies are very interesting insects that are beautiful colors and fun to watch.  I remember chasing many of them with a net as a kid.  I would capture the beauty and observe it in a jar before releasing it back to it's natural habitat.  They were quite a challenge to catch!

At the age of nine or so I joined 4-H.  I particpated in method demonstrations that year with a fellow 4-Her.  Method demonstrations are a public speaking project (which quite frankly horrified me, initially) and can be on any topic within certain areas.  Anyway, ours was about butterflies.  We dressed as butterflies and actually made our entrance emerging from a cocoon, which was actually pretty cool. 

What I learned in that process is that butterflies have 4 stages of life.  They begin as an egg.  When it hatches, a tiny larva (stage 2), called a caterpillar emerges and begins to feed.  The 3rd stage is called pupa.  Once full grown, the caterpillar molts into a chrysalis.  This stage has often been referred to as the "resting stage".  It is actually a time of intense developmental activity.  Then stage 4.  While a chrysalis, the caterpillar is converted to a butterfly.

My grandmother, loved butterflies.  We affectionately called her Bow-Bow.  She wore big butterfly pins on her scarf or blouse, often times.  She was very artistic and often drew pictures of them. She loved when we would catch them and bring them to show her.

When Matthew was born, his adoptive mother made me a stained glass butterfly.  She gave it to me as a gift with a letter saying that I was so strong, brave and beautiful.  The butterfly was a symbol of life.  Life that I had given Matthew and the potential of life I had to live. 

My grandmother died in March 2004.  The family was gathered at the family farm and it was warm outside.  A butterfly kept coming around different people at different times.  I joked that it was Bow-Bow spreading her love around us.

 Shortly after that, a butterfly flew into my parents house (which used to be my grandparents).  It rested on a flower arrangement my mother had on the table.  It stayed there for over 3 weeks.  I think in a way, it brought my mother comfort.  It made her think of her mom and she felt oddly close to her. 

Later that year, my granddad, PaPa was living with us and next door my aunt had moved in with my parents.  They both required some medical care and we brought them home to live out their last months.  When things looked very grave for them, I went to the cemetary and sat next to Bow-Bow's grave to pray.  It was a very warm October day.  I bowed my head and prayed that she would make a place ready for Mary Lou and Pa-Pa as I felt the time was near.  It's weird how sometimes our prayers change for people.  Sometimes rather than praying for physical healing our prayer becomes for spiritual healing and that the last stage of their lives is peaceful and painfree.  I felt a strong presence of Bow-Bow as I prayed.  It seemed she was telling me it was going to be ok and their place was secured in Heaven.  Then, a big beautiful orange butterfly landed on my shoulder. I knew whatever God's plan was, it was going to be ok.

Most things in life, I think, have stages.  Everything is a process.  As people, we have stages of life as well.  They are somewhat different than butterflies, obviously, as our bodies are more complex.  However, I believe our spirit may go through stages very similar to that of a butterfly.  I wonder what stage I am in at this point in my life?  Fortunately, unlike a butterfly, our spirits' stages can waver back and forth, always with a possibility of emerging into beautiful butterflies that can take flight. That is what God wants for us.

Lord, thank you for the beauty in nature that you have given us.  It is awesome that not only can we be amazed, we can also learn lessons from them.  Only Your design could be so perfect.  Thank you for the gift of being able to see it and be amazed by it.  Help me to see your goodness in others, even when it is difficult to do so.  Please help guide me through the stages here on this earth....until I become a beautiful "butterfly" with you in Heaven.