How did I end up here?

So here I sit the week between Christmas and New Years.  I said at the beginning of 2015, "If I can survive this year, everything will be ok."  I put my faith in that statement and then put a step forward to tackle the new year.

I'm not big on new year resolutions.  Mostly because I tend to lose sight of the goals by mid-January.  It appears, however, that I typically do take time in this season of the year to evaluate where I am and where I hope to go in the new year.  It's on TV, radio, social media and on and on.  Look what happened over the past 12 months.  How do you feel about it?  Is this where you thought you'd be now? Now look forward, what do you hope to achieve? 
 
I must say that I am no where near where I had intended to be.  But one thing for certain is, I'm grateful to be here. 

So, I guess I'll reflect over the past year.

2015 has been the year that I got honest.  Not to say that all the other years, I was totally dishonest.  But this year, stuff got real.  I got real. There is typically a reason why a person doesn't want to be honest.  Well, I was not honest with myself because I did not like what I saw, it has been a painful process.  However, after I've weeded through the ugly, painful, dark stuff, I discovered some of the good stuff about me.  Good things that I had not been honest with myself about either.

I've been scared to death of responsibility.  I was convinced I could not survive running a one parent household with a teenage daughter and run a successful business that was suffering financially already and maintain my sanity. Meanwhile, plunging into a quest regarding my sanity, my spirituality and so much more. Also trying to nurture that beautiful daughter of mine and take care of my personal needs, take care of the yard, the house, the bills.... You know, just everyday things.  Getting out of bed.  I've tried to keep up a happy face and balance all of these things.  Whew!  I'm tired just thinking about it.

That's some truth I learned.  I was convinced I was inadequate, but the truth is quite the contrary. I'm adequate.  I am enough.  I fail, but I get back up.  I'm enough.

I learned that I tend to be a hermit.  I go to work and home.  I don't branch out much more than that and my social circle is small.  Hell, who am I kidding, I've had no social circle for several years.  I've become more active in causes I believe in. I've made new acquaintances.  By nature, I'm quite shy.  I'm introverted.  I prefer to observe rather than participate. Strangely enough, I love people.  They fascinate me.  The stories of people's lives and what happens on a daily basis in my work is way more interesting than any fiction I've ever read.  I've learned that as different as people can be, we are all really pretty much the same.  We all have hopes and fears.  We all have dreams.  We are all connected.  Every single person on this planet has a story.  A story all their own.  Unique to them. Often times, their stories resonate with us, but their story is theirs.  Just like my story is unique to me.  I'm no longer ashamed of my past experiences.  Those experiences just taught me lessons along the way, just like the experiences I'm having now will be certain to teach me something new.  I'm learning to pay attention.

I'm not perfect.  I don't have to be.  Humans make mistakes.

Words are so powerful.  Words are used to name, describe, put into action people places and things.  Words are used to build up or words can be used to tear people down.  I prefer to use my words to build people up, to be positive in a world with so much hurt and negativity.

I've learned to observe my own self.  To observe myself in social situations, when I'm alone, when I'm working, when I'm resting....  It seems my brain hasn't stopped. It also seems I have learned a lot about myself. 

 I can conjure up a situation in my mind in 0 seconds.  How things could go wrong, what if I make the wrong decision, what if I put myself out there and am ridiculed, what if, what if, what if.  Who cares what if?  Well, apparently I care about what ifs.  Right?  I mean, why would I be writing this if I didn't care.  This year, I've tried to put the what ifs away.  Sure, there are lots of things that could go wrong but the biggest thing I learned is that a lot of things can go right too.

I've continued to struggle with addictions in 2015.  When I said I got honest with me, let's just say, to an addict, honesty may be really hard to swallow.  I lost connection with a friend I had relied on too much for the wrong things.  She cut the ties but said she would pray for me.  I understand.  I was toxic to her.  I've made mistakes and I took some of them too far.  With her guidance and prayers I found a supportive group of people that are helping me with those struggles.  Life doesn't have to be this way.  I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to do the work.  I've admitted that I have to do something different and I'm taking steps.  I am doing the work.
 
I've worked my ass off this past year.  I added hours to my operating schedule.  I've had liens put on and taken off my business property.  Then put back on.  My bank account was froze due to my owing money.  No bank would loan me money to keep going.  In fact, one banker told me that my business had served its purpose for me and it was time to sell before it was taken away from me.  In my heart, I don't believe that banker to be correct.  I pondered that conversation for months.  I talked to several real estate pros, none who really seemed to offer much encouragement or information.  Property really isn't moving so hard to compare a market.  It has been hard for me to approach the banks, realtors for help.  The what ifs kept creeping in.  I did not formally place my property on the market.  I was denied several loans.  I have been in the red most of the year.  I've thought of every other option I could conjure up that might be more successful than my current venture.  Let me point out at this time that I have had this business for 8 years.  There have been lots of ups and downs.  This year has been super hard.

I took a spur of the moment summer vacation with my daughter and some of her friends.  We went white water rafting. It was wonderful.  Sometimes you have to stop and play.  Trying new things can be refreshing.

In regards to my heart, I got it broken this year.  Not because of the relationship I lost but I had created a relationship in my mind that was simply not reality.  It was a part a pipedream. A part of my dishonesty with myself.  I am now embracing my newfound feeling of freedom.  Freedom to be alone and not feel lonely.  I actually enjoy my alone time.

I had some health issues creep up this year.  A fight with a kidney stone.  Off and on from March to November.  I have been tired.

In October, I had an accident.  I received second and third degree burns on my left arm and hand from a kitchen grease accident.  It was the most painful physical experience I've ever had.  I was very fortunate.  There was no nerve damage and it is healing well.  It could have been so much worse.  Having said that, it took me about 6-8 weeks to be able to recognize how fortunate I was that I had not been hurt worse. The physical pain was like none I had experienced.  I had so much to do.  Business was just getting better and the holiday season right around the corner.  The holidays are the busiest time of year and you have to work when you can.  I was so anxious.  I sat and cried for a couple of days.  Then, I tried to work.  I did what I could with some parties that had been booked and searched for help.  This would be an increase in my expenses.  Medical expenses plus more wages.  Can I do this??  Calls everyday from bill collectors.  I'm at my wits end.  I can feel the spinning of the downward spiral and it's fast... 

About a week after my accident, a friend from church said that she knew I would say "nothing" if asked what someone could do for me.  She asked if it would be ok to open a fund for me at a local bank.  People had asked about me and what they could do.  I was overwhelmed by her gesture.  I immediately thought about the poverty simulation I had experienced and what I personally learned there.  Yes.  Thank you.  I appreciate that people would like to help me.   An account was open and people's generosity was mind blowing to me.  And people seemed happy to help.  I was totally in awe. 
I prayed about the money and prayed about the money.  Did I mention I don't have health insurance?  I simply did not have the money for that expense any longer.

I prayed about the money that had been so generously gifted to me.  I have so many needs, where do I start?  I want to use it responsibly.  As of today, I have no liens on my property. I am not homeless.  In fact, my mortgage is almost caught up and I am not worried about becoming homeless today.  My mortgage is current on my business and I am working some payment plans out for other debt.  My car will not be repossessed today.  My payment is caught up.  I am far from debt free.  However, I am not losing what I have worked for,  today.  That feels very comforting right now.  I was able to have my surgery.  People took care of me.  God provided for my needs.

My reflection of the past 12 months, reminds me that you must be resourceful, resilient.  You have to take chances.  Things good AND bad will happen, it's the nature of this beast called life.  This wonderful journey is better with other people in it.  We are all connected.  We help each other find our way. Glory be to God!

 In an ever changing world, I tend to look for constants.  It brings me comfort to find things that won't change or go away. The only things I've found that simply will not change are intangible.  Things you can't see or touch.  Things like, the love I have for my daughter.  I love her unconditionally, that will never change. And God's love and graces.  That doesn't change.  I forget sometimes that He and all He has to offer are there, but it never changes.  He's always there.  Hearing our prayers and providing for our needs.  I have a renewed spirit and intend to make the best it.

I have survived 2015.  I am ok.  I will keep going, paying attention to God's gifts.  One day at a time.
 
So, I guess this is how I ended up on a needy family list and in AA at the close of  2015.  Think it doesn't sound impressive?  Think again.  I caught a glimpse of where I could be.

I am so humbled.  I am so grateful.  I am so blessed.

God is so good.

Thank you Lord for uniquely making me.  Thank you for the gifts I can share with others.  I intend to use them for Your glory.  Thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life.  The daily reminders you show me, help me strive to be the person you created me to be. I am sorry for my failings.  I am glad you are in my life. 

Some of Life's Lessons I've Learned

So.  I haven't written in a while.  I started blogging the summer of 2012.  It was just after what turned out to be an incredible life changing event.  I was searching for something.  I started a journey.  I thought blogging would be a great outlet for what I was experiencing.  I have been sporadic in writing, but constant in learning.

That was three years ago. Either I'm a slow learner or I've had an awful lot to learn!  Ha!  The Spring of 2012 I had been called to be a team member on an ACTS Retreat.  I truly believed that I could not be of any benefit there but also thought, hey, there must be SOME reason they are calling me.  Maybe I'll ask some questions and sign up, might be good.  I was not really active in the church at that time and was required to have my parish priest sign the form allowing me to participate.  Father Scott looked into my crying eyes and very kindly said, "I have faith in you.  Little did I know what was in store for me!   

God slapped me upside the head with GRACE, FORGIVENESS, HUMILITY, KINDNESS, and LOVE.  A group of beautiful women was dropped in my lap and they reminded me what it is like to be a child of God.  They loved me right where I was. It was incredible.  I began searching for something. Unsure of what I was searching for, I knew after that experience, I would never be the same again.

The following is a list of things I learned on this journey.
A stranger can change your life.

I am a child of God.  As crazy as I may be sometimes, I am a child of God.  I was beautifully and wonderfully made.  So are you.

I am visible.  For a very long time, I believed I was invisible to other people.  They must not be able to see me and they certainly can't hear me.  Yes.  I believed this to be true.  I believed I was truly insignificant and the world would not miss me if I disappeared, maybe it(my family) would be better off without me.  Turns out, I'm visible.  And I have purpose.  So do you.

Everyone has a story.  Life is a series of events and changes.  The only constant thing in life is change.  It's inevitable, you might as well embrace it.

Forgive yourself.  How can you expect anyone else to forgive you when you can't even forgive yourself?  Jesus died on the cross for your sins.  They don't matter anymore.  Learn from them and move on trying to do better.

Be still.  Be quiet.  You'll be surprised what you can hear.

Anger is ugly.  I was full of anger.  I didn't even know I could be angry.  I was incredibly angry for a long time.  Angry at myself for so many things.  A lifetime of things.  Angry about disease and how it takes people I love.  Angry at Bruce for dying.  Angry at Matthew for bailing on life after all the struggles.  Angry at God for taking two of the most important men in my life ever.  Anger may be a stage of grief, but I'm sure glad it didn't last the rest of my life.  Having said that, I sometimes have to remind myself, to let the anger go. 

I've relearned to love others.  I make a point to pay attention to others and love them, wherever they are.  Maybe my kindness will matter to someone.  People should know they matter.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
I have many gifts. 
Follow your dreams but be diligent in your work.
Pray often and in all circumstances.
Surround yourself with positive people and things. You do not have to tolerate negativity.  Pay attention to yourself and don't be the negativity either.  Toxic behavior does not have to be tolerated.
Words are incredibly powerful.  They cannot be taken back once said. Use them to build people up not tear people down. 
Use your words to communicate.  Don't expect people to know what you are thinking.  Speak up. 
If you think kinds things, share them.  The other person will appreciate it and so will you.
To help yourself, help someone else.
Smile and laugh often. 
Fear can be paralyzing.  Don't allow your life or thoughts to be consumed with fear.  It accomplishes nothing. 
Everyone dies.  Make the best of the time you have.  There are no do overs. Live by God's commandments, especially loving one another.  Make a difference while you are here.
Our purpose in life, is to help one another get to Heaven.
I'm a sinner and I fail daily.
I'm forgiven and as long as I'm breathing, I have another chance to do better.
I am a work in progress.
God provides.
You can wear people out. When someone goes out on a limb for you, don't wear them out in return.  Be a blessing back.
Don't judge anyone.  You have no idea what is going on in their world.
Take care of yourself.  No one else will do it for you.
You are stronger than you know.
Life is not a competition.  Don't compare yourself to others.  You are different people in different situations with different gifts.  Be yourself.
Don't focus on what you don't have.  Focus on what you have.  Take care of what you have and use it to the best of your abilities.
Keep an open mind. 
Enjoy nature.  You can learn a lot by watching nature.
Keep a sense of humor and laugh a lot.
Embrace changes in seasons.  Life is a natural cycle.

Three years have passed since God dropped an unexpected group of beautiful people in my life.  I am so grateful that I can continue this journey today.  I will continue to be aware of myself and my actions and strive to be a better human daily. These are just some of the highlighted lessons along this incredible journey.  May I be wiser with each passing day.


Father God, thank you for this incredible gift of life that you have given me.  I am sorry that I do not always use my gifts for your glory.  I fail you daily.  However, you continue to love me and forgive me.  May  I use the things I am learning in this journey in a positive way.  I ask you to guide me where you want me. Help me to love others, especially those who need it most.  May I show compassion to others, who feel invisible, lonely, afraid and unloved.  Thank you for sending angels my way, to get me on track to live a life You designed me to live. May I be open to your direction.  Thank you for Your love and graces.  Amen